Post # 1
So my fiance and I are holding two receptions in two different countries so that our families do not have to do a lot of traveling to celebrate with us. This was something we talked about doing even before we were engaged. However that meant we had to be very careful about our budget since we’re essentially throwing two weddings.
As a result, we tried to be super tight about our North American wedding’s guest list. I’m a teacher and I have a lot of colleagues, but I narrowed it down to a handful of close colleagues that I’ve worked with a lot. Both the numbers for my family and my fiance’s family is unpredictable since we don’t know who would fly in for the North America wedding and my dad would casually add someone every so often. We don’t want to restrict family, especially if they are flying in from another country. So the number of friends and colleagues had to be tight so that we could have some wiggle room with the family numbers.
I’m on a leave right now so most of my colleagues don’t know that I’m engaged. However I did, in my excitement, post a picture of my engagement ring on social media the night after I was proposed to. (I also did this for practical reasons. It was an informal way to announce our engagement to my fiance’s family.) So as a result, some people know about it, particularly this supply teacher I have a friendly relationship with. We joke around a lot and every few months, she’ll message me on social media to ask me how the wedding planning is going. She’s a very sweet person and I enjoy her company.
The thing is…I didn’t put her on the guest list. I couldn’t invite everyone or else we’ll go broke. I’m getting married in city hall so the number restrictions are even worse there so it’s either the reception or nothing.
I feel bad because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. She asked me how wedding planning is going today and I was pretty vague about it. I felt like if I wasn’t going to invite her, then I shouldn’t be going into detail what I’m doing.
I’m pretty sure other people have gone through this. Are people usually understanding? I was thinking when I go back to work and if people ask, I’ll just say it was a small intimate wedding and we couldn’t invite everyone we wanted. Some of my friends are trying to reassure me that people should be understanding, but I get nervous. I don’t want people to be offended, but I’m not rich enough to throw this huge reception.
So I guess I’m just fishing for some reassuring words and if not, some tips to think about or be prepared for.
Post # 2
naturalflight: I think it will easiest to just be as honest as possible. If you’re getting married in city hall, that will clear up the issue for most busy-bodies. That usually indicates on its own that it’s a smaller, more intimate wedding (you don’t have to mention your reception plans or anything like that). In my experience, people have always been understanding, and it sounds like your coworker is just genuinely curious about your planning. Best of luck! 🙂
Post # 3
Yeah I’m hoping so. I already had another colleague ask me why not have a big wedding and I said I want a city hall one because I was proposed to outside city hall. So I’m hoping that’s a big enough clue. I purposely didn’t mention my wedding date or details about my reception on social media so that the date can go by without people knowing.
I guess I got a bit nervous with her especially because I still remember her saying the first time she messaged me how she’s looking forward to attending my wedding. But that was the first 1-2 weeks of the proposal and at that point, I didn’t have a plan at all. I was just too happy to care. 😀
Post # 4
We are having a very small wedding of 20 people. there are lots of friends and family members we were unable to invite. Truthfully, some people take it harder than others that they’re not invited. I think the best excuses are money and venue. I just tell everyone that our venue only holds 20, and we are paying for it ourselves and unable to afford to have a big wedding and wanted a short engagement. When we say we can’t afford it people seem to be more understanding than just “we’re only having immediate family, grandparents and close friends”. The hardest is when people assume they are invited and you have to tell them they’re not. It’s not easy bee! your friend sounds sweet though, so I’m sure she’ll be in the understanding bunch.
Post # 5
naturalflight: I would just talk to her and be really really honest, and say that you are so grateful and happy for all her loving support around your wedding. Then let her know that you are also really sad, because when you did the numbers, you realized that you have to limit your guests! Tell her that you feel really bad, and you wish you could invite her, but that once you researched how much things cost, etc. you realized that you just can’t.
I’m sure she’ll understand :). And if she seems distant or a little hurt for a while, let her be – friends who wouldn’t understand that aren’t necessarily worth keeping 🙂
Post # 6
IMO it’s pretty presumptuous of people to assume they’re going to be invited to your wedding. People have all different kinds of weddings nowadays, I don’t even assume that I’m invited with my best friends! I think saying “it was a small wedding” should be good enough for most people.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2016 - Garden
Gosh that’s hard bee!! It’s hard for me too. My Fiance sand I only want close to 70-80 people at our reception but I have 120 on my guest list! So I’ll have to be cutting down a LOT of people! After finding the dress, that’s when it gets little harder. But you got this bee!! Hang in there.
I’m pretty sure people can understand. They’ll be happy for you anyway regardless if they didn’t come. Honestly it shouldn’t feel like the end of the world if they didn’t come. If you’re on a budget then stick with your budget! What I’ll do is send them pics and/or videos of my wedding so they can feel like they were there the whole time they’re looking at my smiling face :)) not the same but it’s close enough :/
Post # 8
naturalflight: I think most people should understand when you say you chose to have a small wedding that you could afford–anyone who thinks you should go in to debt in order to put them on the guest list isn’t a friend at all.
Post # 9
When she asks about the planning just tell her the truth, that it’s going to be a small, city hall wedding. It’s never appropriate to tell people they aren’t invited to something. She’ll figure it out and I’m sure she won’t be offended.
Post # 10
She hasn’t really mentioned it since she made that comment in August so I’m kind of hoping she kind of knows what’s up. I also told the handful of colleagues I invited to be discreet about the invites. Added to this is that there’s a good possibility I won’t even be in the same school when I go back next year. So this might even be the last time I’ll see some of them!
Thanks a lot for the replies everyone! I’m trying to be calm and cool headed about wedding planning, but every so often I get a bit anxious about things. It’s always the little things too.
Since I’m on this topic…social media. Right now I’m keeping super quiet about my wedding on social media. But when I get married, is it okay for me to post a picture of my wedding? Or should I keep quiet? I understand the practical reasons for being quiet right now, but I also feel like I’m hiding this big secret as if it’s something shameful when it’s not. I’ve been with this guy for over a decade and thank God, we’re finally tying the knot.
Post # 11
We’ve been telling everyone it’s a small wedding.
Everyone we wanted to invite we already told months ago so though we’ve been asked a few times since by people we didn’t invite, I don’t feel too bad about it. We also have a very strict cap on numbers so anytime anyone pushes we just tell them that that’s all we have.
Some people are going to be offended – that’s just the way it is. : / But I figure, who cares, it’s what we want and I’d rather have 60 people we really want there rather than 150 that we invited just so no one’s feelings are hurt… If you know what I mean.
Post # 12
naturalflight: One or two wedding photo shots are fine to post to social media as is changing your “status” to married, not that it’s necessary. Including photos of the party itself, including the guests in attendance is not okay no matter how many people do it.
Ditto regarding engagement news. An announcement and a photo of the two of you is fine. Details about the upcoming wedding are not. IMO close family members, ie siblings, grandparents, close aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. should be told individually.
Post # 13
I completely understand your situation! My entire company is about 30 people. Some I’ve worked with much longer than others but I’m not inviting anyone just to keep it easy & then I can say “you know I’m not inviting anyone from work just to be fair.” I’m not super close outside of work with anyone since I’m a lot younger then most of them, but I still feel awkward when someone asks how wedding planning is going. You just can’t invite everyone in your life & if people get upset I think that’s really rude in itself. I wouldn’t be open with the guest list on social media but I would post any pictures you want! I know how much I’m paying for my photographer so if I want to post pictures of my wedding day on my own social media account I do not see how that wouldnt be okay. I have plenty of FB friends that have gotten married lately and posted pics and all I thought was “awhhh that’s cute” This is again a situation where I think if someone gets upset over your own pictures because they weren’t invited then they’re the rude ones