(Closed) Can't Agree on a Type of Wedding

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I didn’t read all the answers but why are only your parents paying? Have you talked about the wedding and budget matters with both parents?

Post # 33
2113 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@ag22:  Fiance and I are the opposite. I want the big wedding and he doesn’t. Our compromise has been to have a wedding with the minimum people, he picks the where and the decor revolves around his interests.

Post # 34
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

View original reply
@ag22:  “I asked him this morning actually, how much he thinks that weddings cost on average, and he said $3,000″

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I assume you disabused him of that notion?

I would like to say that drawing lines like “BUT… It seems like my family shouldn’t be spending a lot of money for something that I don’t necessarily want. If him and his family want to pay for the wedding, fine.” sets a bad precedent for the relationship. The whole “the person with the money gets to be the decisionmaker” thing is not a healthy way to be in a relationship.

I must also say, that wanting a “big” wedding in the sense of wanting to include all your loved ones is not exactly the same as wanting a “big” wedding in the sense of wanting it to be elaborate. I’ll admit that I can’t blame him for feeling like the participation of his loved ones is important.

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@JenGirl:  +1 to everything you said.

Post # 35
45 posts
  • Wedding: July 2014

We had a somewhat similar situation with my Fiance in the beginning. I’m from Finland, and he’s American, so since the beginning there was the whole issue of what country to get married in, who would have to travel, should we have two receptions or not, etc etc. I wanted to have a very casual, smaller wedding, like maybe 30-50 people, and his preferred guest list of his side alone was more than that. I also would obviously have preferred to get married in my home country, versus his, since there’s a ton of people who can’t attend otherwise.

Ultimately, what happened was dictated by immigration laws an paperwork, as unromantic as may be. I’ll be moving to America, and the most convenient way to do the immigration was to get a fiance visa and get married on American soil. End result: we’re getting married properly in America and inviting about 80 people to a semi-casual outdoors wedding (because Southern California offers that opportunity!), and having a sort of pre-wedding reception for all those relatives and friends of mine who can’t make it to the wedding in California. It won’t be an actual wedding, nor will we pretend it is one, so we’re getting away with a lot less expensive event – it’s more a farewell/good luck type party, really. (Plus, caterers are much cheaper when you omit the magic word, “wedding”.) He’ll come here to meet everyone, along with his parents, so we get the families mingling a little. Then, my immediate family, and a handful of my friends will be flying to California for the real event itself. I’ve gotten a fair bit of backlash from my family for the whole thing, but on the whole, they understand.

We also had a lot of disagreements in terms of tradition. Fiance is much more traditional than I am, plus American traditions are slightly different from what I’m used to, so we’ve had to do some serious compromises keeping both of us happy. From the ceremony to the cake to entertainment, everything has more or less been disagreed on initially, but we’ve dealt with it. If something is important to me, we’ve tried to keep it intact, such as having the event be outdoors and as small as possible. It’s the same for him – the things he thought were most important I’ve all accepted as is, such as a religious ceremony conducted by a family friend of his, and so on. Other things we’ve negotiated to a point where we both can be happy with it. For example, I didn’t want to have a traditional bouquet to carry down the aisle, because it seemed like a huge waste to me (costs a lot, flowers die, etc), but he really wanted me to have one, so we compromised and are getting me a small bouquet we’ll bring to his brother’s grave the day after the wedding. It would have been his 22nd birthday, but he passed away a year and a half ago, and I thought that giving my bouquet to him includes him in the wedding in a way that’s important to us and also makes the flowers have real meaning. I also really wanted to have a sword included somewhere (yes, I know, I’m sort of weird), so we compromised on that and are now getting a sword to cut the cake with!

So, yes, wedding planning is pretty much an exercise in compromises from day one to the actual date itself. I agree that sitting him down and showing him how much weddings cost is a good idea, but also I think you need to discuss the matter from the point of view that doing things exactly as he wants to would not make you happy, just as doing things your way would not make him happy. You’ll have to meet in the middle one way or another. But, frankly, I think that compromises will really make you happier about everything in the end. After all, if you only get your way, it’ll be your day, and your Fiance is just sort of along for the ride. If you decide everything together, it will be a day for both of you. Maybe all the details won’t be the way you envisioned, but he’ll be happy, and that matters so much more. 🙂

Post # 36
8 posts
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m also in a similar situation – currently in Boise, ID and FI’s extended LDS family is all in the region but my extended family is quite small and from Iowa – so with a Boise wedding, my family has to pay airfare, hotel, etc.  However, because my parents have decided to do the paying for most of it, while I’m okay having it in Boise so my local friends can attend, I’ve let my Fiance know that the max guests are going to be 50.  His extended family is huge, his parents cannot afford to help us out at all with any wedding costs and I’m trying to make it so the guest list is mostly 50% his side and 50% my side so lots of guest cutting will be coming up for him.  

The other alternative was Vegas, but Fiance said then most of his family couldn’t attend and at that point we might as well just go to the courthouse.  

For my Iowa relatives who will not travel for the wedding, my parents will have a casual meet-and-greet whenver Fiance and I visit for the first time after getting married.  

I will say for a lot of people I know who had a large distance between one side and another, the wedding ended up being in the bride’s hometown or state.  

Hope you two can come to a compromise that works for both sides!  Good luck!


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