Post # 1
I have never posted on a message board like this before but I think it’s time…I don’t want to vent to my friends and family because I hate the idea that anyone knows that our relationship is having problems. And besides two of my BM’s already are annoyed with me because of how emotional I am, and really just annoying despite having done my best to not be a “bridezilla”…This just adds to the issue…
Here’s the summary..Engaged for almost two years because we were young and knew that we wanted to be engaged but were fine with waiting for the actual wedding. Maybe drawing it out for too long was our first mistake…My fiance was never into the big wedding idea, but he was OK with it and was willing to do it for me..In the two years we have been engaged we have definitely had arguments, not over wedding stuff but the wedding became the “ammo”. But we always bounced back and never went to bed angry.
But now, three weeks before the wedding..It’s like he hates me…We got into a huge fight over thigns I still don’t understand and now for the first time ever we are not bouncing back…He says he will go through with the wedding but that it won’t be real..I’d rather cancel a wedding than marry someone who doesn’t want to marry me…I feel so alone..my friends are annoyed with me for being an emotional rollercoaster and my fiance still admits he loves me but he’s disappointed, the only word to describe it is cold..because he’s not being mean, it’s like he just doesn’t want to be around me….
I feel alone…And don’t want to whine to everyone and make people get annoyed with me and then on top of that, if we get through this I don’t want people to judge us on our wedding day…
Any words of wisdom would be appreciated..maybe I just needed to vent
Post # 3
@LittleBride85: Go to couples counseling – quick. There are obviously some issues here you need to work out. Your Fiance seems like he can’t express himself. You guys need to talk openly and honestly and move past whatever fight you had.
What was this big fight about?
Post # 4
@JrzyGurl: I agree. But I think you need to put the wedding on hold indefinetly, until you both figure out whether you should get married to each other or not.
Post # 5
You are right to not want to walk down the aisle as the relationship currently is.
you need to sit and have a long talk about what is making him unhappy, why he is acting the way he is and what BOTH of you can do to help correct things. Unless there is a simple solution, I suspect this is something that has been brewing with him for awhile, you should postpone the wedding indefinately and work at it. It will cost you more money and pain to deal with these problems post marriage and possibly ending in divorce.
It was not appropriate for either of you to use the wedding as ammo. Its important to fight only about the issue at hand and items effecting it. I think counseling for both of you to learn to communicate appropriately and effectively would do your relationship a world of wonders.
Do not walk down the aisle unless you are both really happy and really excited, and especially, really willing to work to make the relationship work. I suspect you will need more than 3 weeks to reach that point.
Post # 8
Why is he being like that? Is he scared? Cold feet? You need to get to the bottom of this.
Post # 9
I am almost scared to talk about the fight in case anyone I knew saw this and knew it was me haha…He’s been working A LOT, long hours these past two weeks which I am sure does not help as it is abnormal for his job and just weird timing. I had my bach party and there was a stripper (purely as a joke) and for whatever reason he wasn’t happy about it…But then things were fine..more than perfect actually…He apologized for getting mad about something so stupid but within 12 hours he found a recent text where I told my friend not to post photos on facebook (there was nothing I was ashamed of from the party, but didnt think FB was the best place for my bach party photos)…I guess it was just too soon and he took the text like I was trying to hide something…so he got upset…and I promised him I wouldn’t vent to my friends, but I cracked cuz I was so upset and vented to a friend and then lied to him and told him I didn’t vent to anyone..and then I got caught in the lie and admitted, yes I vented to a friend..just typing this I feel like I would advise myself to run..but there is such a love between us..we have always been best friends..sure, we argue, but not in a weird way and when I say we used the wedding as ammo I mean that every fight he woudl say “maybe we shouldnt get married”…people are flying in from out of the country for this wedding so postponing is tricky..I feel like we either do it or we don’t..
Does anyone think that maybe we have a chance? Maybe he just needs to take a deep breath and maybe I am being too emotional and need to let him get over whatever is bothering him????
Post # 10
aww. im sorry that you’re feeling like this. from what he said about going through this, but not being real…is enough for me personally to want to rethink seriously if i want to marry this man still.
Post # 11
It was mean of him to say the wedding wouldn’t be real. We all say things when our feelings are hurt or we are harboring some resentment. I agree with PPs that recommend couples counseling asap. If marriage is where you both want to be, counseling will help you with communication to strengthen your relationship. If one or both of you are unwilling to attend therapy, you may seriously reconsider if a wedding and this relationship is really what you want for yourself. * hugs *
Post # 12
IMO You should not go through with a wedding with anyone who says :“He says he will go through with the wedding but that it won’t be real..”
That’s just not ok. I would say cancel the wedding. See if Counseling can help. But, I wouldn’t go through with it in 3 weeks no matter what he says.
Post # 13
If I were him I would be having trust issues because has has been deceived and lied to. You need to talk with him to set up boundaries about these types of situations for the future for both of you to follow. He probably is questioning the marriage right now because of the deceit, but you should talk to him and you may be able to find common ground and you can fogive each other fully.
I still think that if either one of you were throwing the marriage as a threat or anything as part of an argument either 1) you are comunicating in an immature way and it needs to stop or 2) there are real doubts that are coming out in the arguments. Either way it needs to be addressed.
Ask what what he meant by “it wont be real” (the wedding). It may be more immature arguring or it could be the root of the problems
Post # 14
I am so appreciative of all the posts coming in…This is really helpful for me seeing as I want to keep this private for now and obviously not disrespect him and go to my friends but I need to talk…I am not going to defend either of us, but the one thing he always said was “I don’t mind a big wedding and all of that as long as you and me are OK and happy, that’s all that matters” so I think his “not real” comment stems from that his one thing has always been that big weddings are not his thing but he was happy to oblige as long as we are good and now that we are in a weird place it just doesn’t feel right/real that we are getting married…He admitted the love is there but just that it doesnt feel right to get married after a fight…ugh…maybe what hurts the most is that I just wanted bliss these last few weeks..I love him so much…
Post # 15
I’m sorry you are going through this. Although if every couple that fought before their wedding called it off…well there certainly wouldn’t be very many weddings.
I agree that you should go talk to a couples counselor, and see if that doesn’t help get all your (both yours and his) crap out in the open to talk it out. Both of you are probably stressed out more than you even realize, and he probably has cold feet and doesn’t know how to react to it. He is probably just freaked out.
I hope you guys can work things out. Good luck =)