Post # 62
Hmmm, my thoughts are clearly he is in the wrong for *intentionally* deceiving you. My other thought is if he continuously is telling you these ‘white lies’ either he has a straight up lying issue or he is afraid of how you will react when he is honest. Neither is good.
If you’re the kind of person who would leave your ring and a note because you had a big disagreement before you were able to rationally talk through things, I could see why he would be a little timid to discuss things you may not care for (ie going to a bonfire in the middle of the week). Not making excuses for his behavior at all, but I think that says something. If he’s the one for you, I hope you can work it out.
Post # 63
@lmarsch1: why does he feel the need to lie to you about something so trivial. what’s the problem with him going out to a “bonfire”. would you care if he did go?? why couldn’t he tell you straight up?
you may be overreacting a bit here but that being said, i don’t know what your relationship is like. does this happen often? maybe the two of you should sit down and discuss this.
trust is a cornerstone of any relationship and w/o it, you have no foundation.
Post # 64
When you take into account the out of control spending, the lying, faking you out by putting on his pajamas…he sounds like a child and you sound like his mom. That is a recipe for a failed marriage.
Post # 65
Yeah, I’m sorry but I have to agree with @peachacid:
on this one. We are only getting one side of the story here and based on what OP has said, I do suspect a bit of controlling issues.
I have a friend who had the same issue as you. She would call me and complained about how she caught her husband lying or trying to sneak up purchases and stuff like that. I used to think he was bad news until I spent a few weeks at their house. I realized that my friend was a real control freak. She would call him several times a day at work, get pissed if he didn’t pick up his phone, feak out if he came home late, control how much food he ate, etc. I mean it was riddiculous (I’m not implying that you are like that). He admitted to me that lying or sneaking around was just easier than having to deal with her and her tantrums.
The thing is your Fiance is 35 years old. He shouldn’t be given restrictions by you, nor should he be lying or sneaking out. If you are getting married, you should be at a point in your relationship where you can discuss rationally your expectations from one another. To me, expectations are not the same as demands. You should expect him to be mature enough to contribute financially to the household’s expenses and savings. You should expect him to be respectful of your relationship and not do anything that could jeopardize your trust when he is out with his friends. But you can’t demand him to go out only once a month.
As for finances, my Fiance was a big spender when we first started dating. It was bad. We had a few heated arguments about that. I realized that I couldn’t change it. But we discussed it. We had mutual goals and came to an understanding that Fiance would put aside a certain amount of his paycheque in a joint account. What he did with the rest of his money was his business. That brought peace to our home. He didn’t resent me for trying to control his spendings and I was more relaxed knowing that he was contributing to our life goals.
You need to sit down and have a frank discussion with your Fiance.
Post # 66
i was with you until you said you want him to only go out 1x/mo during the week. that comes across as extremely controlling. let him go out and have a life if he wants!
that said, if there is no trust, there is no relationship. sounds like you could both find a better match.
Post # 67
I don’t think you should call it off, but I do think you need to get counseling to address these issues if you want things to work. You obviously have conflicting ideas about some things.
Post # 68
I’m going to second what Sunfire said about these not being white lies. A white lie is when you have a big zit on your face and your SO says it’s not even that noticible, and not to worry about it.
It seems like he is habitually acting to deceive you, which is something that needs to be addressed before you guys get married. These are not normal mistakes, they are thought out plans meant to avoid problems.
If he had an issue with not going out with his friends more than once or twice a month, he should have acted like an adult and discussed it with you.
I know you probably are aware of all of this already, but it’s easy to get sucked unto the, “I must be crazy mentality.”
ETA: Everyone has the right to determine what things are okay, and what are not in their relationships. Some people have problems with their SO’s going out to bars, and some do not. Some people are okay with open relationshiops, and others are against them. It does not make someone controlling to determine what is okay in their relationship.
Post # 69
In My Humble Opinion I think your 100% right to be upset and call off the wedding. A marriage is based on trust and honesty and it seems like you guys are lacking both right now. If for whatever reason he feels that he cant be 100% honest with you then thats something you guys need to work on before you make it final. Marriage is hard by itself but to be with someone your always second guessing is going to be even harded. The truth has no colors its either right or wrong. Your talking about spending the rest of your life with this person, do you want to go into your marriage always second guessing his actions/thoughts? Always following up on his stories and whereabouts?
Post # 70
I think you’re both in the wrong here and need to have some serious conversations. First and foremost you need to get to the bottom of his lie – find out the truth. And he has to realize that lying is wrong and won’t be tolerated anymore.
Second, I think that you should come to a mutual understanding of how often going out is okay. Not a one sided understanding, you should both agree. Because the real issue is that he lied, but another big issue is being on the same page about the frequency of him going out. Personally, I think if he doesn’t have to work the next day and all of his responsibilites are taken care of – let him at it. It’s important to pick your battles in a relationship and everyone needs breathing room. He probably feels a little suffocated with your rules which is why he lied.
Post # 71
Personally I don’t care for liars…I find them to be tiresome and irritating…BUT, that’s what you’ve got here, so here’s what I have found in my personal experience with this deceptive and confusing practice. People who lie, do so to either avoid confrontation, or because they have zero faith in the person their lying to…..So, while I HATE people who lie, and consider myself lucky enough to be married to a person who’s so honest it can blister an unsuspecting person’s skin, I think if you love this guy enough to get engaged to him it’s probably worth some counselling. People who lie constantly have learned to do it since they were little, it’s a coping mechanism and that can be a difficult practice to break, because if your fella really does sit down with you to have a truth-a-thon, your going to find that everything he says to you unravels in layers and layers of lies…which is funny, because most of the stuff probably wouldn’t have even shown up on your radar if he just told you where he was at…but he lied, so now your mad and suspicious…his attempt to avoid upsetting you, or having a confrontation with you just because he wanted to go out…which is FINE, dudes go out and hang out with other dudes…till like three in the morning…I know, because it happens at my house all the time! Yup, we’re that house, with the fire pit, and once those boys get to chewin the fat, the only thing that stops them is when the sprinklers come on….but I’m the nice wife, who takes the keys and calls the other wives to let them know where their other halves are…drunk in my backyard and they’re not comin home until they’ve had breakfast and a shower!
Post # 72
@moderndaisy: It’s important to pick your battles in a relationship and everyone needs breathing room. He probably feels a little suffocated with your rules which is why he lied.
This, exactly. I wish my Fiance would come home one day and demand that I only go out once a month b/c he didn’t like me to go out without him. I’m an adult and I will go out when/how late/how often I want – because we have established that trust. He knows I would never do anything to disrespect our relationship and honestly it feels great to have some space sometimes. He went out on Saturday night, and I hung out at home alone in my sweatpants with some fro yo watching Titanic (go on, judge me!) and it felt great.
Post # 73
Rock on girl! If my husband wants to go somewhere without me, I can have a bag packed in 5 minutes!! Go!! Have an adventure! Get lost somewhere, find your way and happen upon a restaurant with amazing bbq…whatever! I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you…now get outta the house already…I wanna paint my toenails!
Post # 74
I’ve been in a similar situation before– telling lies about dumb things, which made me question if he was ever telling the truth, which led to me wanting to be nosy, which led to me wanting to restrict his time, etc.
It took a lot of work on both of our parts– he had to understand that it’s better to upset me with the truth rather than appease me with a lie. He didn’t want to upset me and deal with the negative reaction, not understanding that my negative reaction after being lied to aout something inconsequential was 1000 times worse than my initial negative reaction of hearing a truth I didn’t like. I had to understand that he’s an adult and can make his own decisions and plans, and that I shouldn’t feel the need to dictate his schedule. It took awhile to work through!
Post # 75
Exactly! It’s like “Babe, I love you SO much… so how long you gonna be gone?” hahahaha.
Post # 76
There is no excuse for him lying like that. If he disagreed with your preference on going out, he can TALK to you! He doesn’t have to sneak around! My ex did this type of shit to me when I was pregnant and also engaged. He would go to work, go to friend’s houses after and do who-knows-what until 3, 4, 5 am!! No call, no text, would get upset if I called or text him because I’m “bothering” him. Um, hello, you left the house at 8 am, it is now 4 am, are you dead?! No, he was just out partying all the time. I have another child too, so he was mad that I couldn’t be out with him (pregnant and all) and he would just stay away from the house. This in turn, made me more insecure and I tried to talk to him, tell him I was hurt and upset he was always gone, told him if he wanted out to leave, threatened to kick him out, etc. Things escalated so bad I finally did just kick him out one day because I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t like who I had become-depressed, angry, feeling like a nag, feeling unappreciated and unloved. I knew he wouldn’t change and my asking and then finally demanding respect was so pathetic I told him to get out. I don’t know what your SO’s underlying problem is, but I don’t think you should put up with that. If you have different priorities, let him go sort them out for himself while you find someone who doesn’t treat you that way. And if he’s an older guy, hanging out with a younger crowd all of a sudden, it sounds like he has issues on growing up because this seems to me he is still trying to hang on to those 18-25 year old habits. He is not ready for a commitment, in my opinion.