(Closed) Can't change situation :(

posted 6 years ago in Fitness
Post # 3
Member
1695 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@kay01:  It’s hard to watch the person you love doing something not good for them.  I can see that you are really concerned for his health, but I think that you’re doing everything you can.  By offering him healthy alternatives you are already being supportive.  But you’re right, you can’t do this for him.  Perhaps suggest some walks after work together.  Or join a sports league together.  Help make working out fun for him if it’s something you would really like to do.  For someone who has never exercised or who hasn’t done it in a long time, working out can be scary.  And for someone who is overweight, the gym can be very overwhelming. 

Post # 4
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I know people like this in my extended family– they are heavy because their parents have fed them large portion sizes and unhealthy food all their lives. My family has a culture of food– if you’re well (over) fed– you are supposedly happy and content and the individual giving the food feels good about themselves as well.

Being over-weight is A LOT more than physical looks… it puts you at a large risk for heart disease and diabetes.  Getting your weight under control is serious, and as a spouse you should be concerend because you’ve invested your life in him.

I don’t know how to tackle this because you don’t want to ‘push’ too much, but I suggest do a lot more cooking at home and make sure that you ONLY have healthy food availble to eat.  IF people offer food to take home, tell them that YOU’RE on a diet and don’t want it tempting you– that way you dont come off controlling. Best of luck, bee!

Post # 6
Member
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@greenviolets:  I agree with the ideas to exercise together.

Also, if you do the grocery shopping, try to only buy healthy things. Maybe completely cut out going to restaurants so he can’t order a bacon cheeseburger. Also, if he flat out refuses to exercise, go to the doctor, and weigh himself, he may have a deeper issue, which I imagine would be harder to address than merely eating habits.

Post # 8
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@kay01:  I feel for you and I wish I had some helpful advice but I think unfortunately you understand all too well the situation–a person has to really want to do something themselves in order to change. I also understand about how telling him that you won’t listen to his complaining also gets you nowhere. I have tried that and I find that they just complain anyway and when you tell them you don’t want to hear it, they just clam up and think you’re a bitch and it creates distance in the relationship which of course no one wants. Anyway again I wish I had more helpful advice–all I can say now is don’t give up on him, he may well come around still. 

Post # 10
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My FH has gained a good 60 lbs. over the past 5 years. He likes to blame it on my cooking but I think he is wrong. I cook very healthy food and I totally refuse to buy junk food. So FH gets his “fix” by eating fried food at fast food places or goes out with friends after bowling, etc. He also buys himself candy and junk food since I won’t. I got him a Bowflex, but I ended up using it more than he does. SO I really don’t have suggestions for you but I definitely understand!

Post # 11
Member
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@kay01:  So it sounds like he and his mom have a good relationship (she was able to get him to go to the dentist, you eat there every week), so can you talk with her one on one about your concerns about his health? Can you get her to “gang up” with you again to get him to go to the doctor? Ask her to cook healthier foods when you go over for dinner? Not offer you left overs? I bet she wants him to be healthy too!

Post # 13
Member
5959 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

You are right  – you can’t make him change.  But I’ll bet that one day he’ll come around to it on his own.  I think all you can do is 1) take care of yourself and be a good example, and 2) be supportive and give positive reinforcement when he shows the “right” behaviors.

Keep all junk out of the house, prepare healthy meals at home and healthy lunches to take to work, cut down on restaurant eating, and try to replace more sedentary activities that you do together (TV, movies, etc) with more active activies (walks, hikes, whatever).  

For me, the big reason that other people can’t get me to change is usually ego.  I don’t want to admit that there is something about myself that I am unhappy with/ashamed of and therefore can’t accept help.  This seems consistent with your husband – he wont tell family that he’s trying to lose weight, he wont listen to you, he wont even get real with himself and look at the numbers on the scale.  

Post # 14
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

No exercise and bad eating habits is just *asking* for back problems.  Begging for them, in fact.

I posted here once that weight issues can be a real problem in a relationship and got jumped on by a bunch of posters for being mean.  To this day, I have no idea why what I said caused such a ruckus. One of my best friends used to be very, very big and *she* doesn’t understand why people took offense.

As you’ve discovered, your husband’s weight issues affect more than his clothing and appearance; now it is starting to affect you.  I really wish I could offer you a proactive solution, but other than refusing to keep junk food in the house and having a bunch of good, healthy food around, there isn’t a lot you *can* do.

In addiction, they talk about the patient needing to hit bottom before he decides to make a change.  The same thing is true for the overweight individual.  There is usually a catalyst that spurs them to make a change in their eating and lifestyle habits.  Perhaps that will happen with your husband.

Post # 15
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

With regard to your cake situation, can you tell him that you want some cake too? And then even if you don’t want to eat it, just throw out a little each day. Then he won’t feel the need to eat it all before it goes bad. Then at least he is eating less cake?

Post # 16
Member
6742 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

That is really annoying, I feel for you.  I feel like I’m your SO and my Fiance is you (except he’s overweight, too).  Background is that I was 108, had a hard time at work, gained 30+lbs, and can’t seem to get it off.  My Fiance and I just decided to do nutrisystem together – mine cost me $320 for the month and he got $50 off so it was $300 for him.  You have to supplement it with fresh fruits and veggies and it’s kind of pricey (they have cheaper ones, that’s the most expensive one) but maybe doing it for 2-3 months might kickstart some health eating habits, especially portion control.  And as far as the walks – if that’s all he’ll do, that’s better than nothing and it might be a good start.  Just make sure it’s 30 minutes every night to start and take it from there.  I’ve always learned that taking really small steps one at a time makes it easier to make changes than trying to do them all at once. 

As far as people pushing cake on him, he needs to learn to say no.  And maybe you should have a talk with these people – giving him a small sliver every now and the won’t hurt, but large slices isn’t helping anyone, that’s for sure.  Tell them that they’re making it difficult for you to have a long future with your husband and that when you two say no, you mean no.  And, talk to your husband – who cares if the cake goes bad???  It’s friggin cake.  There’s always more cake out there.  I would have taken that cake and tossed it in the trash as soon as I got home, this way, it doesn’t matter if it goes back.  From now on, if someone forces cake on you and won’t listen to you when you say no, take it and throw it right out – open the box and toss it directly into the trash so it’s ruined for sure. 

Good luck!

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