Can't connect w/ future MIL

posted 10 months ago in Family
Post # 17
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

itsgoingtohappen :  yup. I did.

Like i said. Based on the way you describe her/her communication maybe she doesn’t feel that you are genuinely interested. Because you aren’t genuinely interested in HER, or you would realize that the “bs” she emails you about IS a way of getting to know her, it’s just not what you might want to talk about. 

It sounds like you want her to be something and someone she just isn’t. Unfortunately not all relationships will fit the ideals we create in our heads of what we want.

Post # 18
4548 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Sounds like she doesn’t want to connect with you and it’s better to let things go. Not everyone is warm and wants close relationships. You have to learn to appreciate her for who she is, thorns and all.

Post # 19
210 posts
Helper bee

itsgoingtohappen :  I get being dissapointed, truly.  Two of my exes had really the best moms.. I really connected with them and if I’d married either of their sons we would’ve been really very close.  I miss them, as friends.

My mil and I struggle with our relationship, to say the least.  I could write a whole thing about what is wrong with our relationship but lets just say it’s not great.  She wants more control over me.. I am not a fan.  To sum it up.  (She also doesn’t like my body and isn’t afraid to let me know what’s wrong with it..)

There just isn’t much you can do about it: people are who they are, for better or worse.

You did mention she likes to talk about her garden, what she sees on walks, and her garbage pickup schedule.  I’d assume you tried connecting over that since you say you tried everything, but you also called it “bullshit no one would care about” so perhaps you haven’t.  If not–maybe try connecting over that, if you really want to have some sort of connection?  I try to get mil to gossip about her friends, even though I’ve never met them, because she loves that topic of conversation and while its not really ‘connecting’ with her, it does keep a pleasant enough conversation going between us.

Post # 20
6321 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

A lot of people have to “connect” on trivial things before they will ever discuss “substantive” things. or perhaps the things you find trivial really are important to her and you simply don’t find them important. Either way it is okay; she doesn’t have to discuss whatever deep topics you might find worthwhile and you don’t need to engage in discussion about her interests, either. But whichever situation is true, it seems pretty clear that one or both of you are either unwilling or unable to make a relationship happen. From your descriptions, it sounds like both. She IS being social, probably in the best way she knows how, but that’s not serious or engaging enough for you. It is what it is.

Post # 21
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

Don’t worry about it. It happens. If he is the man you want forever  with, well this is the package deal he comes with. As long as his mom isn’t being actively mean or rude to you there is nothing to do about this. If you want mil who can be a second mom to you go date someone else. 

Post # 22
2413 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Idk. Your posts virtually scream that you don’t like her. I can only imagine that you probably come across as not really liking her in real life, as well. If you have zero interest in her life & what’s important to her… why are you even pretending? 

Post # 23
8783 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

itsgoingtohappen :  “We hear from her via email every 2 weeks or so and it’s usually just so she can tell us how her flowers look, what local concert or event they attended, what they saw on a walk around the block, and some random BS no one cares about like the change in the leaf pick up days.” — Wait, what? This is perfectly normal conversation material. All your bitching about how odd and anti-social she is and maybe even on the autism spectrum, and you’re the one pissing on her attempts to connect. 

My advice was initially going to be that you don’t need to connect with her, especially since it seemed to be a her-problem rather than a you-problem, but after reading your updates, this is more of a you problem. You think you’re better than her. Which is allowed I guess but it’s pretty rich to then complain about how hard it is to connect with her.

Post # 24
1379 posts
Bumble bee

OP, you’re upset that she’s emailing you to talk about her INTERESTS? Gardening and music?? I mean… how exactly HAVE you been trying to connect with her if not by asking about her interests…? Do you expect her to email you about in-depth philosophical or scientific theories? Emotional journaling and spilling her darkest secrets? What the heck? My own father and I email about how our flowers are looking! We also email about philosophical issues, but that’s because he’s MY father and we both have Master’s degrees in Philosophy. So those are our…. dun dun duuuuun interests! Dude, she’s trying to connect in a super normal-person way. You missed the boat. 

Post # 25
3011 posts
Sugar bee

itsgoingtohappen :  x

“…it’s usually just so she can tell us how her flowers look, what local concert or event they attended, what they saw on a walk around the block, and some random BS no one cares about like the change in the leaf pick up days.”

Every single one of these topics is a window to her world. A pity you’re not interested/willing to discover it.

Post # 27
209 posts
Helper bee

It truly is okay that you won’t ever have the type of relationship you want to have with her. Some people just don’t get along. You live far away, and she hasn’t done anything to undermine your relationship with her son. She is allowed to communicate with her own son about whatever she likes, with or without you. To put it bluntly, it sounds like you’re turning a non-issue into a big deal.

I can understand that you maybe you’re frustrated because you’ve put a lot of effort into your relationships and you want to have a closer one with her, but everyone’s social interactions are a little different. I want to encourage you to respect her (your comments come across as pretty condescending), but unless she is wreaking havoc in some other way (which again does not seem to be the case at all), just let her be and stop talking about her behind her back.

You are probably coming from a good place and a genuine desire to be more comfortable around your SO’s family, but I would feel devastated if I were already an introverted and socially awkward person to begin with, and someone responded to my awkwardness by telling my family members that her therapist thought I had autism. You say that you are social and outgoing; believe me when I say that introverts are usually very self-aware and know when people think they are “odd.”

Post # 28
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

itsgoingtohappen :  

Theres no point stressing over and trying to force something liek this. If shes blatantly not interested then take your mans advice and hamg with his dad at events. 

We dont have to be friends with everyone- I understand its bery disappointing but you have done all ypu can do andnyour man supports you. Dont wastenyoyr energy over thos 🙂

Post # 29
473 posts
Helper bee

You criticize her clothes, her personality, and her “bullshit no one cares about” but you are confused why you aren’t closer? Maybe discuss that with your therapist next time. 

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