Post # 1
Bees I am so torn. I’m less than three months away from my wedding and I still can’t decide at ALL whether I want to change my last name or not. I thought that it would become clearer to me what I want to do closer to the wedding, but that apparently is not the case. I like the idea of having the same name to indicate that we’re a family unit, but I hate the patriarchal implication of having to take his.The symbolism of giving up part of my identity once I get married is really unappealing to me… And I’m very close to my family (both immediate and extended), I’ve always identified very strongly as a “My-Last-Name” and my 3 sisters and I were always referred to as “the My-Last-Name girls” but both of my older sisters have already changed theirs to their husbands’. One of them totally regrets it though and has thought about changing it back.
However, I especially want to have the same last name as our kids when we we have them. Seems kind of unfair that I would be the one to carry them for 9 months and then am left out of the family name group haha. I feel like I’ll feel more strongly about wanting to all be considered the “XX family” when there are kids involved. I would probably keep my last name as a middle name if I do change it, as well as give it to our kids as a middle name, but our names would sound terrible hyphenated..
Basically I’m not even remotely leaning in either direction… Would it be strange to wait until we have kids and then change it then? For anyone that was on the fence about it, how did you make the decision in the end?
Post # 2
So I made a new Gmail account for all of my wedding emails Bc it was just getting to be too much. My old one was [email protected]
I made my new one as [email protected]
its helping me get used to the change when I get married.
Why don’t you try that? See how it sits with you. If you don’t like it you can just stop using it
Post # 3
I feel like I could have written this post! (Except I only have 2 sisters, and one has changed hers already but regrets it). I’m also really undecided.
From what I understand, there’s no rush with name changing. Get married and see how you feel with not having the same last name as your spouse. There’s always time to change it down the line if you decide it’s what you want to do. Harder to undo it if you rush into it, and then have regrets.
Post # 4
I don’t think it would be strange to wait until you are ready to have children to change your name at all. If anything, you can try going by your married name socially and then change it legally if/when you have children. I have friends who use their married name on facebook, but professionally and legally have kept their maiden name. Nothing wrong with that! Do what works for you!
Post # 5
My advice to you would be not to rush it- you don’t have to make a decision before you get married or even soon after! I was basically in the exact same boat but immediately changed my name after the wedding so that we’d all have the same name. Honestly, I kind of regret it. I love having the same last name as my DH but sometimes it just doesn’t feel right. We just got back from our (delayed) honeymoon where I went by my maiden name (so that I wouldn’t have to get a new passport) and it felt really nice when people called me Ms. Maiden Name. So if you stay indecisive, I’d just hold off until a bit after the wedding and see how you feel later on. You could also just go by his name socially and keep your maiden name legally- I know people who have done this too. Also, its totally not weird to wait until you have children!
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2017 - State Park
Just throwing it out there – why couldn’t the kids have your last name?
Post # 7
I’m stuck with that decision too. We both love our last names and are very proud of them. And I am bringing a child into the marriage and their name won’t be changed as that’ll just open a can of worms. So I want to keep my maiden but I also want his last name. I’m currently thinking about either hyphenating as ours go ok together or just having my name be “first middle maiden his” so I’d have four names. I can’t decide and so far he doesn’t seem to have an opinion either way. I almost like the four names better as it still gives me his last name exactly as it is. If I hyphenate it I feel like I’m not really taking his but making my own.
Post # 8
Sounds like you’d be selling out your principles if you change, leave it for now.
When/if you have kids you can reconsider if you want. Otherwise you can double barrel, let girls have one surname and boys the other, create a new surname – lots of options.
Don’t make the wrong decision for you based on humans that don’t exist. Some people would say to me “what about your kids!?” And I’d just look blank and confused and be like “but we don’t have any kids…”
Post # 9
I vote to keep it for now. You can maybe start by changing your name on Facebook and just see how it goes. I like the PP’s suggestion of making a g-mail account with your new, married name. I have quite a few friends who have kept their last name for a while and then eventually changed it, or who decided after years to just keep their maiden name.
Post # 10
wolfeyes : I kept my name legally but use his surname socially. As I understand it, you can change your name legally at any time. Based on what you said, I’d wait until you have a clear sense of what you want to do.
Post # 11
wolfeyes : I completely understand how you feel. It sounds to me like you’re leaning towards not changing your last name, but maybe that’s just because the reasons you gave for not changing your name sound bigger deals to me. I didn’t want to change my last name for a number of reasons including many of the ones you listed. I wasn’t concerned about kids because we had decided long ago that they would carry both of our last names regardless of what we decided to do with ours. My FI surprised me by suggesting that we both take each others names and therefore all of us (including any future children) would have the same name. You might want to consider having both of you change your last names. You can combine last names or create something new! I feel like it’s a great reflection of equality in marriage. If he’s not up for it, you can always just hyphenate or double barrel yourself and then you can share at least half of your last name with your kids (assuming you want those kids to carry your husband’s name)
Post # 12
My sister-in-law decided to wait until after she had children to change her name.
I haven’t had any children of my own due to age and health issues, but I loved changing my name to First Maiden Newlast. This is the formal, traditional name change that many women in the US have used to change their names throughout history. I like it because it shows continuity of identity and allows a woman to maintain a visible connection to her family of origin while she shares a name with her husband and children. I also like that it shows that “Jane Smith” is now married when she shows up in the email system at work as “Jane Smith Doe.”
Post # 13
sarahparkview : We could give them my name, but it would kind of boil down to the same problem of not all of us having the same last name. Our kids will have my maiden name as their middle name regardless though.
I would feel a bit bad asking my fiance to change his because he’s Italian by heritage and traditionally the oldest boy is named after his grandfather, so his full name (first middle and last) is generations and generations old. He is using his grandfather’s wedding ring as well so.. I would just feel a bit bad.
Brielle : I will keep my maiden name as a middle name for sure if I do change it! (As well as give it to my kids as one)
yorkshirerose : Very good point! I’m going to hang on to that – “Don’t make the wrong decision for you based on humans that don’t exist.”
Thank you so much everyone!! I think I will just wait and see how it feels. I’ll probably get called both either way when we get married so it will give me a bit of a chance to test it out..
Post # 14
This is one of those times where there is no reason to rush. Rushing to change it when you feel unsure will leave a bad feeling with it. And it is a huge pita to have to change it back if you decide you want to. But waiting you have nothing to lose currently.
For me personally, I was excited to change my last name. It made me feel more married, and I knew we would have kids right away, and I wanted a family name. Now my kids are the “Lastname” kids, and it makes me feel proud to have created this life with my husband. But there is no one way to do it. And it is all very emotionally charged, so just wait until you get a more concrete feeling about what will work for you.
Post # 15
jcent : “Now my kids are the “Lastname” kids” – See I love this as well! I loved being the “My-Last-Name Sisters” which on the one hand makes me want that for my kids, but on the other makes me want to hang on to my maiden name for nostalgia’s sake! However, we’re not planning on having kids for a couple of years at least, so I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
I thought it would be strange to wait and then change it later, so I’m really glad to hear from everyone that it’s not a big deal to wait.