Can't Enjoy Being Engaged Due to Wedding Pressure

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Congrats on your engagement!! It’s your wedding, so do what you want!! It is your big day. It’s not their big day. If someone else was paying for it, I’d give them some control. We are so thankful that we had an elopement ceremony!!! The cruise ship sounds like another awesome idea. A lot of people complained, but we did it our own way. (We are in our 40’s and 50’s, so don’t care what others think.) I’m so thankful that we did what we wanted. It was beautiful and all ours. 

Post # 3
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You are way too worried about what other people think. This is YOUR (you and your fiancé’s) wedding. You are paying for it. The only opinions that matter are the two of yours. 

They will get over you not having a big wedding. And his one family member just sounds like a bitch. Her opinion isn’t necessarily his whole family’s opinion so I wouldn’t worry about her.

Post # 4
Member
3470 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

If his family expects a 200+ person wedding but aren’t offering to pay for it never mind their opinions. Do what you can afford and what works for both of you. Congrats! 😊 Stop letting outside opinions influence your decisions and enjoy your engagement.

Post # 5
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018 - The Venue, Barkisland, UK

That family member sounds like a real peach. I’d have been tempted to reply along the lines of “Oh it’s OK, we’re only inviting people we actually like and want to be there.” and then not send them an invite.

Post # 6
Member
2424 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

Congrats on your engagement!

And I understand. Most of my family (I’m the youngest of 14 first cousins besides my sister) is already married and they had large, formal weddings. I don’t even want a wedding much less huge reception. So we decided on a courthouse wedding and a very small private party to invite my family to at a restaurant I used to work. 

It’s your wedding and ESPECIALLY if you’re footing the bill….you should do what YOU want. 

Post # 7
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

What does your Fiance want? You absolutely should do what the 2 of you want and let him field the questions/complaints.

I’ll be getting abroad, in my SO’s country and I know some people here will gossip after because I don’t want to do everything as they do things.  But I don’t care. It’s my day not theirs. Try to develop this attitude!

Post # 8
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

We eloped at the courthouse, and then planned a small reception celebration 6mo later! Having a huge fancy wedding was our original plan, but then we realized going into debt and inviting people who weren’t even close to us for a one day party just wasn’t worth it! It really doesn’t matter what other people think, they’ll get over it eventually anyway!

Post # 10
Member
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

It doesn’t matter what his family wants. It matters what you can afford. If that means that most of them can’t come, oh well. If they want more, they can pay or it. Or they can dela with the fact that you want a smaller wedding because IT’S WHAT YOU WANT. 

My Fiance has a large family. I have no family like you. However, even if I had family they wouldn’t pay nor would I want them there. I had to give in a little because of his family, but it’s okay. However, I would NEVER invite everyone because they wanted to throw a fit. 

I would simply say “We are still deciding on things.” and drop it. Walk away if you have to. Do NOT go on. 

Post # 11
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

Congrats on the engagement!

If I was your friend, I’d smack you by now!

1) People are going to talk/gossip anyway. It can’t be helped, because they can’t help themselves. you’re not going to make everyone happy.

2) You want to appease people who are complaining because you aren’t going to spend enough on them? seriously?! They aren’t paying and can go kick rocks!

3) Fiance may be going to grad school, so figure out what the budget, and time commitment he is going to make to the planning process, because you will find yourself resenting him somehow if he falls short of not helping out. and YES!! let him deal with his family! HE can say we’re keeping it small, and simply cannot extend ourselves financially to host everyone. (sad panda face)

TIP: IDK how big immediate family is, but it may help to just keep it to immediate family and friends. I didn’t do this. sometimes I wish I had. I was thinking our 100 guest list is progress from 300+ family list, but snarkiness I’m sure is afloat from family who didn’t get the invite. Easier said than done to do this, but its an option.

 

 

Post # 12
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I agree with everything said above.  You can’t please everybody, so you should focus on your needs and wants for your wedding day.  What’s more, even if you won the lottery and put on the kind of production that the family expects, you’ll still have that feeling in the pit of your stomach wondering what they’ll say next or if they’re going to hate the color of the flowers.   So of course you should focus on you and your soon-to-be husband’s priorities for the wedding.  That’s easier said then done though, so let me make some practical points that may help 🙂

1. The number one priority is your relationship (both now and post marriage).  The stress of planning + the financial stress will be a burden on your relationship.  Whatever you pick, it’s vital that you are picking what it going to have the most positive impact on your relationship and that you are both going in as a team to tackle all the hurdles.  If you’re feeling resentful or hurt (justifiably!), that’s not what’s best for your relationship.  You wouldn’t let other non-wedding related factors effect your relationship, don’t give the potential toxicity of this situation a pass just because it has “wedding” attached to it.  You get to define what you want for your wedding.  And you should NEVER feel guilty about protecting and fostering your relationship with your husband. 

2. Cruise weddings are awesome! If that’s what you want, go for it. One of the best parts is it’s just not comparable to a traditional wedding.  They’re completely different.  I did an Alaskan cruise wedding.  My best friend had a traditional wedding.  Where she was buying flowers, I was chartering a helicopter for wedding portraits on the glacier.  Both of our weddings were perfect, just very different.  It’s hard to make condescending and snarky remarks about something so unique.  What are they going to say “They got married in St. Thomas at sunset on a private beach. Can you believe it?!”  Even if they want to be mean, whoever is hearing about it is going to think it’s awesome :-).

As for being concerned about people coming/how they will feel/etc, cruise weddings are a lot more flexible than you think.  You can do embarkation day ceremonies so that guests have the option to not cruise, you can do a day at sea, shorter/cheaper cruises, get married in a port (with guests having the option to just fly into that port), etc.  And you’re not limited to the Caribbean.  You can do an awesome fall trip up the east coast and get married in a beautiful seaside town, which would mean cheaper and shorter domestic flights for family that don’t cruise.  You can do a wine cruise up the west coast.  Go exotic and do the Mediterranean.  Oh? Aunt Snarky wants to be a jerk? Just remind her you got married in a castle in Italy, then sailed to Mykonos and checked out Greece on your honeymoon. 

As for them not wanting to take a vacation….I was really surprised at the number of people that came to our wedding. We had almost 30.  For Alaska.  Talk to the core people that you really need to have at your wedding, and make the call from there.  If they are excited about the idea, then that’s all you need.  Yes some people won’t be able to make it, but a lot of these people are probably those that would have made you feel miserable during the whole planning process anyway. If there’s an exception, you can look into helping with costs or picking more affordable cruise dates.  I really underestimated how very special it would be to have my closest friends and family together for a whole week.  Lots of bonding and making memories.  Everyone still talks about it and wants to do more trips (minus the wedding) in the future. 

There’s also other types of destinations obviously. All-inclusives, resorts, etc.  Let me know if you have any questions about cruises specifically!

Post # 13
Member
8177 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

When I said that they were deceased, she sneered and said, “So you’ll have a small wedding because you don’t have any family,”

To which you say, yes that’s absolutely right , so we are only going to invite the people we really want there. And with a smug and infuriating smile on your face,  walk away and/or change the subject…

 

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