Post # 1
They’re such small things, but because my wedding was SO close to perfect they’re playing on my mind so much and I can’t help it.
1 – the ceremony didn’t get filmed. I asked a friend to film it, and repeatedly asked my (then) fiance to ask some of his friends/family to film it as well to make 100% sure we got it. He didn’t. He ended up asking his mum to pass on a message to people on THE MORNING OF THE WEDDING which meant people of course didn’t think it was that important, didn’t want to ‘miss’ the wedding themselves by focussing on a screen, and so didn’t film it. My friend ended up misunderstanding what I wanted (she thought I wanted her to film people after the wedding – like a video guest book). It’s been over a month and I can still remember that moment when I turned around after the ceremony and saw she didn’t have her camera out and my heart just sank.
2- the “best man” – my husband’s original choice had to pull out due to military commitments so had to be replaced at the last minute by my husband’s other best friend who is a woman. I have issues with her already, but I knew they were down to my insecurities and not anything she had actually done so I didn’t object to him appointing her “best man” – but I was very clear on what she should wear. We had a kind of victorian-esque theme and I didn’t want any of the wedding party showing leg so I said if he wanted her she’d have to be in a long dress or trousers. She turned up wearing a knee length dress and when I asked husband about it later he said he’d KNOWN she would wear that, apparently when he told her what I wanted she flipped out and went on a rant about how “no-one could tell her what to wear” and he immediately backed down.
That’s it. That’s the only thing wrong with my day. The dress was gorgeous, the flowers were perfect, the cake was amazing, we had fantastic weather, a perfect reception, everyone commented how brilliant it was…on the day, I got over it in a matter of seconds and didn’t care but now I look back at my day and I get angry and depressed because these were things that should have gone right and didn’t.
I am genuinely resentful of my husband’s friend and don’t even want to see her again.
I am angry with my husband for not bothering to ask people to film.
And I’m angry with him for allowing her to dictate what she wore – if she was a guest, fine, but I’ve always thought the wedding party should wear what the bride and groom want them to wear.
I’ve not even been married two months and I’m feeling upset and resentful about the whole thing. I don’t want it to affect my marriage. I know it’s stupid because 99% of my wedding was genuinely perfect and I should think about that but I can’t…Any brides have any ways to get over their regrets?
This topic was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by mocg2016.
Post # 2
These details are minor, and I think (and you probably know this) that your big issue here is with your FI’s relationship with his female friend. By The Way, while in the grand scheme of things her dress length won’t affect anything about your lives and your wedding pics will still be lovely, I do think that her flipping out and saying nobody could tell her what to wear was a BS reaction on her part and maybe even her way of challenging you. Every simpleton knows that when you’re in a wedding party the bride and/or groom decide what you’ll be wearing. But maybe she thought she was exempt because she was doing him a solid at the last minute or something.
Anyway, I think you have an issue here that you both need to work on. There’s no problem having friends of the opposite sex, but different people in different relationships have different boundaries as to how close it’s acceptable to be with those friends. You guys have to find your boundary so that he’s not behaving in ways that are not appropriate and you aren’t resenting him having truly innocuous contact with her.
PS – I think the wedding video thing is bugging you because someone said they would do something and then didn’t, which is annoying to all of us, believe me. But it seems to have been an honest mistake on your friend’s part. FWIW, I don’t know anybody who has ever watched their wedding video beyond a day or two after the actual wedding when they were still high on the wedding excitement. Those things always seem to be put on the shelf and quickly forgotten. I’m sure you have wonderful pictures! 🙂
Post # 3
I would let number 1 go, but number 2 would still bother me. Your husband backing down is one thing, but he didn’t tell you so you’ll find out on the day of the wedding? I would have a hard time feeling I can depend on him if I were you, unless he acknowledges what he did was messed up and apologized.
Post # 4
The best woman sounds rude and annoying, but don’t hold it against your husband- he was just being a man tryng not to cause a fuss or upset her, he was a bit weak not to be more insistent about the dress requirements but maybe after losing one best ‘person’, he was worried he’d end up with noone. Plus men don’t always ‘get’ the importance of these style things. Edit the silly woman’s legs out of your photos!
The video thing is such a shame but you have to let it go. I really sympathise but you will look at your photos more than you’ll ever watch your vows. I also failed to get my ceremony filmed (plus it was my own fault) and I was initially very upset, especially as my wedding was a religious one in a tradition that’s not my own so it was totally overwhelming and I forgot so many colourful and stunning parts, but I am over it now. It’s just done. I just rounded up as much (crappy) phone footage as I could and that will have to do.
Congratulations on your wedding! Have you got photos we can see?
Post # 5
It sounds like alot of miscommunication with both. No magical cure will make it all better. You simply need to accept it and move forward. At most see a therapist but that sounds like overkill
Post # 6
Sounds like you have the post wedding blues. It’s a real thing! Time to shift your focus on to new projects and future activities, all the looking back will make you go mad!
Post # 7
You can’t undo what’s done. Time to refocus yourself on other projects. Being resentful and angry is not gonna hurt anyone other than you. Plus being angry at your husband for not getting to control other people’s video documentation skills is gonna affect your marriage in a negative way. I gotta say that if video wasso important to you you should have hired a videographer, instead of putting unnecessary responsibility into your guest’s unwilling hands. As for the lady’s attire, she is not your bridesmaid, and because this was a last minute change, (she was not his original pick), she is not required to purchase a special dress. Don’t waste your time stewing about stuff you can’t change.
Post # 8
mocg2016: Is your resentment reallya bout these things are your wedding…or are they about your husband?
Your husband didn’t follow through on asking his friends to get video of the ceremony, your husband basically let the best-woman wear what she wanted and didn’t tell you. That’s the crux of the probem IMO.
I don’t have much advice for you except to say just let it go. You obviously didn’t prioritize video of the cermeony highly enough to pay someone to do it, so it couldn’t have been that important. Someone wore a different dress than you wanted. Sucks, but really, it doesn’t matter.
Post # 9
RE the best woman – I should point out we did buy her her outfit. She came round to our flat one evening whilst I was at work so she and my fiance could buy something online. I trusted him to buy something suitable.
The weird thing is, I’m not angry with my friend at all. She made a genuine mistake and I haven’t even said anything to her because I don’t want her to feel bad. Her mistake wouldn’t have mattered at all though if he’d asked other people to film it like I’d been asking him to for weeks…I could only ask one person because I had a very small guest list so I wanted him to ask friends because I’m not that close with the rest of my family and didn’t think I could trust them to film.
We’re in the process of buying a house so I was hoping that would take my mind off things, but I can’t stop thinking about it! I’ve had depression and anxiety for years so I guess maybe it’s something to do with that but I’m tired of falling back on medical interventions.
Even to myself I sound stupid and pathetic for caring so much about this…
Edit: I would have loved to have paid a videographer but we just didn’t have the £500+ it would have cost in the budget. I don’t even think we’d have the nice amount of photos we’re going to end up with if it weren’t for a friend doing the pictures for free because we couldn’t have hired a photographer for any real length of time.
Post # 10
It is hard to get over the things that went wrong. What I usually do is remind myself that it could have been worse. In the end, I can always re-do my wedding on a future anniversary, lol.
Post # 11
mocg2016: I’m old and one thing I’ve learned now is that there are some things you cannot change so stop stressing on them. What’s done is done and there is nothing you can do. Take a deep breath, put it to rest, and life goes on. When you start thinking about it, turn your brain around and think of something else (part of the whole Law of Attraction thing). Find something else to obsess on. Me? Today I’m obsessing on decks. Googling deck builders. Go go go!
Post # 12
- Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess
I would sit down and make a nice long list of all the things you’re grateful for. About the wedding, what went right, how you felt, the looks on peoples’ faces etc. Then continue to add general things about your life you’re grateful for. I am a huge believer in focusing on the positive.
“don’t sweat the small stuff…and it’s all small stuff.”
Post # 13
1) I find it sad that instead of being happy about being married, your VERY first thought was being sad that it wasn’t filmed. Sheesh. Talk about not being able to enjoy the moment for what it is.
2) How dare that hussy show her calves at YOUR wedding. Seriously. HOW DARE SHE.
Post # 14
honestly.. the film thing you live and learn. Be glad you didn’t have all your loved ones watching your ceremony through their camera phones… not worth the shaky, startchy “videos” you’d be getting from them.
The woman who refused to wear a long dress like you asked and then your husband who lied to you by omission about it.. that much I’m totally with you. I’d be livid.. at HIM.
100% agree with the PP who said it sounds like you’re pissed at your husband more than anything–that’s how I read your post, too. And rightly so–even if I do think the film thing was a bad idea.. he essentially lies to you by omission. If he didn’t want to ask friends to do the film thing, if he didn’t want to force his friend to wear a long skirt… that’s all stuff he should have simply had a conversation with you about. Unless you’re the sort that will tell him the way things HAVE to be, he needs to learn to talk with you about things you tell him to do that he doesn’t want to do.. it is NOT ok to blindside you, and on such an important day.. imagine how you’ll be blindsided on average days in the future?
Are you open to discussion? Make sure you really ask yourself that one, with a lot of skepticism… it doesn’t matter what you reply to my post, but make sure YOU are sure, in your heart, that you did not put him in a situation where he felt he couldnt’ talk to you.. not that that would let him off the hook, but its important to know how you contribute to patterns so you can help change your dynamic.
Post # 15
OP, a little tough love. If the ceremony filming was not important enough to you to hire a professional to be responsible for it, then it should not be important enough to you now to be upset over not having it filmed. Sounds harsh but it’s true. You can’t treat something like a fairly casual detail before it happens, then get upset when it’s not handled properly. You need to accept this and move on. As for the “best woman” I kinda see her side on this. I get that the bridal party should theoretically wear what the bride and groom request, but the way you’ve worded things here, well, let’s just say I can understand why she might bristle at that.