(Closed) Can't get over my regrets about my wedding – any advice?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you are probably just overly stressed right now, and this is how it’s coming out. Try making a list of all the things you are grateful for, things that went well on your wedding day, and really meditate on that for a moment. Start shifting your focus from the wedding to your new house, and how you’re going to decorate it. Go for a run or a yoga class and burn off some of that stress.

If the friend was standing on your husband’s side, ultimately, what she wore was up to him. As for the videography, it’s a shame that having friends take video didn’t work out, but maybe that allowed people to be more present during your ceremony, and ultimately made it more meaningful.

Post # 32
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Is it possible you are having anxiety more on your husband’s lack if follow through and you are worried it will carry into your married life and that with how anxious you are on things going perfect that you are worried you can’t handle him making these same mistakes through out your life together? Because…that would be me. 

Post # 33
Member
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I can understand feeling disappointed about these things. Feeling obsessed and regretful isn’t good. I agree with a PP-post wedding blues are a thing and these are also possibly symptoms of maybe some frustration with your new husband.

It’s okay to be frustrated that an event you spent so long planning got changed and I’d be bummed about the video too even – even thought it’s great you’re not mad about it. The friend with the dress thing-I guess maybe I’m a bit immature on that but that would have really bugged me too. But I would have moved on by now and not let this be weighing me down…I think you can accept the disappointments-but accept the reality that no wedding can be totally detail perfect and Also its okay that newlywed life isn’t always picture perfect. Then accept the reality that you married the man you love-he chose you-and now you can choose to be happy and focus on your future. Not the past.

Post # 34
Member
3171 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with a PP who said these things are because of communication issues. Even taking the first one out, as you’ve said you’re not as upset about that one, the second one is because of poor communication between you and your husband.

A productive way to turn this regret into something positive would be to work through your communication issues so these things don’t happen again. At least not in relation to something as important to either of you as your wedding.

My husband and I went to couples counselling before our wedding and it was really helpful. I will go back myself after as, like you, I still have some things about our wedding I am ruminating on. It’s not healthy and is something to seriously work through and get to the heart of 

Post # 36
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

Number 1 happened to me. Oh well. I have great photos. There’s nothing you or I can do about it so the choices are dwell in the past and be pissed forever more or…focus on all the things that did go so very well.

Number 2 – fuck ‘er. She didn’t ruin your day. She’s second fiddle anyways. Now you’re his wife. If she douched out and didn’t want to wear what you requested, that’s on her. So your husband backed down. That happens. Again–she’s second fiddle (in more ways than one–she was a FILL IN for the real best man!). Allow her the silly little dress consolation prize.

Post # 38
Member
9606 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

“I knew it’d upset you” is NOT a valid excuse!

If you accidentally ruin a 3 course dinner he prepared for a big dinner party for his friends, should you not tell him until it’s time for dinner, with everyone sitting at the table waiting for the appetizers.. becuase you didn’t want to “upset” him?

 

Post # 39
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

You lived the moment. That is what matters. And who the hell cares what anyone else’s dress looked like?!?

Post # 40
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

What’s done is done, and dwelling on it isn’t changing anything and is only causing you distress. *let it go*

As long as you ended up married at the end of your wedding, I’d say everything went perfectly!

Post # 41
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee

I too think that his excuse is terrible! He prefered you getting the “surprise” at what is supposed to be the perfect moment, rather than talk to you before and to probably have to go against HER wishes and hurt his lady friend feelings? 

 

how can it be worth it? To ruin your vision just ro avoid a argument (or not even avoid, just push it into the future, into what is supposed the be the most wonderful and relaxing time of your whole relationship?) and to not go against this friends wish?!?

 

And to hear your reason for wanting someone to make the video… I just can’t understand him at all?!? that’s just awful. I really hope he understands that this WAS you wedding day, no matter how many wow renewals you make in your life, he lost his chance to be GREAT on this ONE day. Cause he was lazy, thoughtless and cared more about her feelings than yours.

And he will never get that chance again.

 

sorry I rarely get pissed, but this just made me so upset! 

 

Post # 42
Member
7414 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

mocg2016:  “While it’s true I didn’t *really* want her to be in the wedding party at all, I was very clear with my husband that I was only OK with her being best man if she wore trousers or, if she didn’t want to do that, a long dress or skirt. It probably is the fact that he intentionally kept it from me that’s bugging me (he has admitted he didn’t tell me before the wedding because he knew I’d be upset about it) “

while I’m still not really clear on why you insisted on trousers or floor-length dress for this lady, if your husband knew she was going to wear a knee length dress and even bought the dress for her, you can’t possibly be upset with her. She’s not a mind-reader and there’s nothing outrageous about a bare knee. It’s clear that this lady has reached “bitch eating crackers” stage with you, but you need to relax, let it go, and accept that she is important to your husband even if you don’t like her.

You also need to understand that when you ask other people to do things, there’s always a chance that it won’t get done how you want or might not get done at all. If it’s something important and you’ll get upset if it’s not done right, do it yourself. I’m not saying you should have done your own video. But you should have asked your friend directly, rather than sending a message through your mom.

lastly, you and your husband have some issues. He needs to feel comfortable and confident admitting he’s made a mistake so that he will learn to be accountable, and you need to learn how to hear that he’s made a mistake and how to react properly so that he will not feel like he needs to hide things from you.

Post # 43
Member
7910 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You married your husband. That should be enough to make it a good day. With both of your grievances, it seems like you and your husband weren’t sharing the same priorities, which doesn’t sound like the best partnership. 

We didn’t have videography. I don’t think it’s a big deal that you didn’t have a videographer. People have married without video recording many times before. If it was a big enough priority, it would have been better to hire a professional. Your Darling Husband did pass on the request; it just didn’t work out the way you wanted. 

If you really didn’t want DH’s female friend to be part of the wedding party, you should’ve laid down the law earlier. It sucks that she couldn’t respect your wishes on the attire, and I’d be disappointed in your Darling Husband too that he didn’t stick up for you. 

I hope you’re able to move forward from these wedding issues. As you said, there were so many other good things about the wedding. I hope you didn’t make the wrong decision. 

Post # 44
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

For the first one you could have hired a videographer, not asked anyone to film it. But bummer that no one did.

The second one would piss me off. Towards both of them. No one can tell her what to wear? Oh F her. To YOUR wedding, YOU can’t tell her what to wear, seriously? What nerve she has.

Post # 45
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee

mocg2016:  I think you issue in both cases is that your husband disregarded your wishes. It is something you should definitely talk to him about.  I don’t understand how someone who claims to love you would have such disregard for your feelings. Perhaps a councillor could help you figure out how to approach the discussion with him.

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