Can't go to BIL wedding

posted 4 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
9688 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

If you can’t go, you can’t go. Expecting you to quit your job is unreasonable. If it was that important that you be there they should have asked about the dates before booking things.

All you can really do now is shrug your shoulders and tell everyone it is what it is and you won’t be quitting your job. You can’t control what they do.

If your husband would really divorce you over this he’s probably not that great of a husband anyway.

Post # 3
110 posts
Blushing bee

maggiek123 :  No one is suggesting you divorce your husband, unless your husband doesn’t respect your career and thinks you should quit your job to please his family. Does he feel that way?


I guess as a life rule, I would never give up a job for people who demand I give up a job. Obviously those people don’t care about me.

Post # 4
1539 posts
Bumble bee

Giving up a job for a single event is extreme. Yes it sucks you cannot attend, but it isn’t because you don’t want to. Your husband should be on your side doing damage control. Stand your ground.

Post # 5
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

I am not sure what you are looking for? Your not going to quit your job, ok. You can’t go to the wedding, ok. And your telling us your not divorcing your husband, ok. Well from what you told us if you don’t go your husband is threatening divorce. So I guess I would suggest getting a good lawyer if he wants a divorce. I am not sure what kind of advice your seeking since your mind is already made up.

Post # 6
337 posts
Helper bee

What an awful situation, Bee. My thoughts go out to you.

Post # 7
4910 posts
Honey bee

I think its insane that your husband is threatening divorce over this. Over a wedding that’s really far away. If Brother-In-Law truly wanted you all to go he should have asked if you all could go on short notice. This us awful.  And  unreasonable.  Like crazy unreasonable.  They want you to quit to go to a wedding?! Then how will you have money. 

At this point even if I could go I’d have SO much anger from the position I’d been put in that I’m not sure I’d even go. This is insane. 


Post # 8
10695 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

maggiek123 :  

It seems that the bigger problem here is your husband, not your inability to attend your BILs wedding.

He’s threatening to divorce you because you can’t go to a wedding?  WTAF?  Is this a pattern? Does he typically side with his family over you?

Your husband should have your back 100%.  Particularly when his family is being completely unreasonable. No rational human expects someone to blow up their career so they can go to a wedding.

Post # 10
6445 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Well, I guess you will have to choose between your Dh and your job, at least if he is serious about the divorce threat. Personally, I’d lose the husband and not the job…

Post # 11
1599 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

anonymousbee001 :  I believe she put her BIL’s wedding date as opposed to her own.

OP, there isn’t a whole lot you can do. You did what you could to try to make it to the wedding, but it is not worth risking your career over. It’s not surprising that your in laws are pressuring you, but for your husband to threaten divorce because you can’t make it to his brother’s wedding? That’s absurd, and it’s likely an empty threat. Either way, stand firm and keep reiterating you could not get time off and you will not quit your job, end of story. If he wants to divorce you over that, he’s really not worth it.

Post # 12
8323 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

What everybody says. Of course don’t give up your job because someone demands you attend a faraway expensive event you don’t even want to go to.

If your husband really is threatening divorce, then that is awful. Frankly l’d tell him to go right ahead and file, not neglecting to give as cause ‘would’t give up her job to go across the world to my brothers wedding”

lt maybe he said it in emotional state and doesn’t mean it at all ( not excusing it of course) :  If it were me in your horrible position, l would state my case one last time in a reasonable and unemotional fashion and thereafter refuse to discuss it . 

Good luck OP. 

Post # 13
8832 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

maggiek123 :  How absurd. People expect you to quit your job to go to a party? This is crazy. And your husband is threatening divorce? Over a wedding on another continent…?! I can’t even imagine this. Why is it a big deal to go without you? I sure would not quit my job, and if my husband was mad at me over that, well I have to thing we probably would not have gotten married to begin with, but I’m not sure how that helps you now. He’s not being reasonable, that’s for sure.

Post # 14
4497 posts
Honey bee

My tip?

Don’t marry assholes who don’t have your back.

And if you already married an asshole who doesn’t have your back, don’t stay married to one.

There really are no tips to be had here beyond that.  As PP pointed out, you won’t quit your job, nor should you be expected to.  You can’t go to the wedding.  And you’re perfectly content being married to an immature asshole who is willing to threaten divorce over a big party.  Truthfully, if my SO threatened to break up/divorce me at the slightest bit of discord, I’d give him what he wants because he obviously doesn’t respect the commitment that we made to be so flippant about ending it.  I don’t have time for that.  So end it or get into counseling since the two of you obviously aren’t on the same page and have issues communicating without resorting to b.s. like this.

Post # 15
12128 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Your issue is your husband. I’d tell him that I don’t take threats of divorce lightly, and that if he wasn’t serious, you are. Ask him how that will look to the extended family he is so concerned about. 

He’d have only one other option, marriage counseling. 

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