Post # 1
my mom passed away 6 years ago. I was fine with previous girlfriend but not the current who he has been dating for 3 years and living for 1. Earlier this year she wrote an email telling me exactly what she thought of me. Just a side note I met her once and a few times I invited her here she declined. So I heardly know her. I forwarded to my dad and she said she doesn’t remember sending it. My dad had a heart attack in March and she was keeping me up to date since I live 7 hours away. During one of our phone conversations she told me she might leave my father and it will be my fault if he has another heart attack since he will miss her so much.
Fast forward now my spouse and I decided 22 people tops to invite to the wedding. Close family and friends only I am not inviting my aunts or uncles. Since I got engaged in November I haven’t wanted to do anything since I thought of this moment as mother daughter time and my mom isn’t here. The though of the girlfriend at the wedding gives me anxiety and makes me miss my mother more ( in tears now writing this).
Is it fair for me to ask my dad to not invite her since I miss my mom and it would be hard. My dad wants me to like his girlfriend and mentioned numerous times after the incident it’s serious. I am an only child so I want my father at my wedding to at least be there for me.
Loss at what to do. My fiancé thinks the right thing to do is invite her, but I don’t want the Anxiety.
Post # 2
If you dont invite her, are you OK with your Dad not coming? Thats likely what would happen.
Post # 3
midnightrain : in 99% of cases, i say if you invite one you have to invite both. That said, i think that toxic step parents are an exception. BUT – be prepared that he might insist that they both come or neither does.
Post # 4
I’m sorry bee, this sounds like such a difficult situation. I can’t imagine planning a wedding without my mom – that has to be really hard for you especially given what a cow your dad’s gf is. Does your dad know about the hurtful things his gf has said to you? Saying it will be your fault if he has another heart attack is beyond the pale…
Post # 5
Before you just simply don’t invite her, I’d have a discussion with your dad. Do NOT say you dislike her, but lay things on thick about missing your mum, and how hard it would be on that ONE day to see her next to him instead, and how you’re afraid it would make you cry from missing her. Ask him if he could just make it to the ceremony and/or first dance by himself, and that you would normally never ask this of him, except for this one day. I wonder if you can drum up enough sympathy for his daughter that he would be willing to leave her home for a day.
Post # 6
Well, I can see you don’t want her there for good and sufficient reasons ( the mad heart attack comment for one !) But you will be putting your poor father in such a difficult position if you don’t invite her , or ask him to leave her at home as he will have to live with the consequences if he does that, or if he has to ‘choose’ her , as it were and not come himself.
I would ask her, but talk to him first and say that he must wrangle any nastiness she may pull on the day and tell him of instances of things she’s said to you if he needs proof she’s capable of it. Show him the email maybe
With luck she won’t come anyway.
Post # 7
Oh bee I’m so so sorry about your mom. My mom passed two weeks after I got engaged. I very much dislike my dad’s new girlfriend. Different situation since my dad basically jumped into a relationship with her less than a month after my mom passed. The woman was a family friend! I still refuse to speak to her.
i think what you are articulating is that this is hitting you hard not having your mom and circumstances are kind of irrelevant. This is going to be painful regardless. The fact that the girlfriend is not nice to you only complicated things. If you liked her as you liked the previous gf it would be easier to invite them together. I think what you are realizing is that there is no winning here. Someone is going to be next to your dad and the devastation of it not being your mom is too much to process. I myself thought a lot about this. This is actually why we are eloping. I couldn’t bare to do a wedding without my mom. She was the only reason I would have done a big celebration anyway.
Inviting your dad and worrying about her is just causing more heartache. Unfortunately they are serious as it’s been a 3 year relationship and they live together. So basically manners dictate you invite them both or not at all.
Are you very close to your dad? I would hesistate to say anything about inviting him alone. If he wasn’t dating anyone he wouldnt want to draw attention to your mom’s absence and would likely ask another family member or a sister to stand with him and it would still be painful for both of you. In saying that, I very much doubt he will come alone. Can you forgo inviting either of them or is his presence more important to you than the potential added stress of her?
Post # 8
I told my dad what she said including sending the email to him she wrote. He confronted her but she told him she doesn’t remember sending it and was going through some personal stuff at the time. In a nutshell my dad is afraid of being alone.
I am also an only child so no one else can stand in for my dad. I am not close to any living aunts or uncles either ( just how I grew up).
Would it it be wrong to ask if she show up they don’t sit together at the church? We are having a restaurant reception and I can sit them away from us. Or at least not in my direct vision.
Post # 9
midnightrain : this sucks. I don’t think you can ask them to sit apart at the church. As much as your father means to you, I think that if you don’t plan on inviting his gf then you can’t expect him to be there. At this point I’d just tell him that you love him but that since you don’t want his gf there at your wedding you understand if he can’t come. Have your fiance’s father or someone on his side stand in for your father. You’re all family after the wedding anyway. I wouldn’t give in and have the gf there, and risk her ruining my day. GL
Post # 10
I really understand where you coming from! I also have dad girlfriend issues and have done for years (Hes been with her 5 years).
My mum is still around just my parents have been separated for 10 years and me and my partner love my mums boyfriend.
Up until early this year my dads Partner was not getting an invite to our wedding (mutual agreed however my partner is less bothered either way). I discussed it with my dad, and he understood (He won’t leave her despite everything she has done as he doesn’t want to be lonely at his age). My dad accepted that she had done a number of things wrong and we are having a small wedding (30people) but he was upset that he would be there alone, and he wouldn’t enjoy as much (plus we are getting married abroad so it meant travel/holiday alone in his 70’s). He would have still come without her. But i wanted my dad to enjoy my wedding too so she is now going to come reluctantly.
The truth is I don’t think your dad wouldn’t not go if you have reasons for feeling uncomfortable (anxiety i really sympathise with and part of why im having a small wedding), and discussion it with him. You are his daughter surely he wants you to be happy on your day.
If he says he won’t go then maybe as you said previously sit them where she won’t further upset you. Its going to be very emotional without your mum on your day, so you really do need to do what will make you confortable.
I think you really need to talk to your dad rather than assume what will happen. And if need be looking at a compromise.
Also she sounds awful saying you would be giving your dad a heart attack?! There’s some horrible spitelful people 🙈
Post # 11
She doesn’t seem unbearable based on your post, unless you didn’t give details. Your dad needs someone new, I think you should try to understand that and give her a chance. He can’t stay alone forever just because you don’t like his girlfriend…
Post # 12
I think you just need to have another heart to heart with your dad. To me this is an unusual situation given the grief you’re still going through over your mom’s passing, plus the horrible way your dad’s gf has treated you and the astonishingly cruel things she’s said to you. What if you said something like this to him:
“Dad, I love you so much and I want you to be happy. But I am really struggling right now as my wedding approaches. I miss mom so much it hurts. I have to ask you: is there any way you’d be willing to come to my wedding by yourself? I want to give your gf another chance, but she never even apologized for the horrible things she said to me. I’m just worried that seeing her there on my wedding day will be too hard for me both because of how much I miss mom and because of how she’s treated me so far. After the wedding, I will be open to trying again to build a relationship with her, but I was hoping you might be willing to give me this one day on my wedding where it’s just you and me again. What do you think?”
I mean all you can do is ask. You are putting him in a really uncomfortable position, but he’s also putting you in one by continuing to date this woman who has said such abominable things to you and her best excuse when confronted is “I don’t remember, I was going through shit.”
Post # 13
This is hard. I don’t see how his fears trump your feelings though. I feel like some of her words to you have been incredibly cruel and unacceptable. If anyone said that to my child (although I don’t have one) I would be done with them, alone or not. Having said that, I feel you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. You could mention your plan to your father and see how he responds. If things are too ugly you can always change your mind and extend an invite. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!
Post # 14
” Earlier this year she wrote an email telling me exactly what she thought of me.”
I don’t understand how you’re not mad at your father for not dumping this woman right away. Who cares if she “didn’t remember sending it”. That’s total BS anyway. If someone I was with sent my adult child a nasty email for no reason whatsoever, they’d be out the door before they could blink.
Post # 15
She sounds like Satan, I’m so sorry. She doesn’t remember? Can you say gaslighting? It depends how close you are to your Dad/how much of a priority putting your foot down on this shitty relationship is. Your Dad is blind/doesn’t want to be alone. Fine. Doesn’t mean you have to accept their relationship.
I would invite both of them and for every thing you can control, sit them away from you. But you cant actually ask them to sit apart lol good try though.
Its either invite both and have them sit as far away from you as possible or dont invite them at all.
Those are your two options.
And if your Dad gives you a hard time at the wedding, straight up tell him, ‘I love you but your girlfriend doens’t fly with me, I don’t agree with your relationship for many reasons, some of which you are aware of. Don’t fight me on this one Dad’.
Good luck Bee.