Post # 1
Hello I have been on the boards for a while and wanted to get all your opinions on a matter. Let me start by saying Fiance is a wonderful person, very loving and attentive and I have no reason at all to suspect that he has ever cheated or crossed any lines. This is just a thing that has been bothering me for a while now and I don’t know what to do. So here it is
Fiance is friends with pretty much every person he has ever been in a relationship with or even just slept with, and its driving me crazy. Its like at this point any time I even meet one of his friends for the first time, if it’s a woman, I can pretty safely assume that at some point they slept together. He is also very close friends with his ex from his longest relationship (7 years), and she has outright said she still has feelings for him but “would never do anything about it.” She slept with his best friend and her and the friend have a baby together now, but somehow he still thinks this is a good friendship? Fiance brushes this off and tells me I’m who he wants and that I need to get a grip on my feelings because all of that is in the past and I have nothing to worry about. But I can’t help feeling like I’m constantly just “the new girl” to all these women he has been with. We have been together for 2 years.
When I bring this up to him he tries to be nice about it and reassure me, but I don’t want reassurance, I honestly want him to stop hanging out with everyone he’s slept with in the past or at least create some distance there, but then I feel like I’m asking him to choose between me and his friends and it makes me feel like crap. I don’t know what to do. We are supposed to get married in less than a year and I love this man with everything in me, but I’m honestly starting to question whether I want to be married to him, because I have to accept him for who he is and this is who he is. I can’t ask him to change for me, but I also don’t want this to be a running theme in our relationship forever.
Bees what would you do in this situation? Is this something you could just get over? Or would this be a deal breaker for you?
I shoudl add that he does sometimes do things with these friends without me around, but it’s rare and always something public, like going to a game or whatever. He has been good about respecting my boundaries around not just going to hang out at the exes house without me, etc. He’s not a jerk, it’s just really hard for me to deal with and I don’t know what to do. Help!
Post # 2
I don’t see how this is a problem. I think it shows great character that he’s still friends with them and isn’t bad mouthing them or whatever. If you’re insecure about who he is friends with, perhaps individual therapy might be helpful?
Post # 3
Well, I’m guessing you’ve known this about him in the 2 years you’ve been with him. So, you’re asking him to change. You can’t ask someone to change. If he’s the type of person to have continuing friendships with past lovers, then well, that’s the cards dealt. You chose to be in a relationship with him and that means you should accept him for him. If you can not, you need to truly figure out what you want to do, and that’s either get over it since you say he shows no signs of cheating on you and you feel loved…or two, you decide you can’t deal and just break it off now.
Post # 4
My husband is in a way like your Fiance. He’s been around the block a few times and a lot of those times were with female friends. They were young, single and not hurting anyone so I have no problem with shit he did before we ever met. The women are all lovely and have always treated me with friendship and respect and I don’t have any issues or worries with them continuing their friendships.
I don’t think that your Fiance has done anything wrong. I also realize you can’t help the way that you feel about it. But you can’t ask him to give up every friend he’s ever had just becasue they may have fooled around once or twice back in the day. The ex you could make a case for since she’s freely admitted to having feelings for him, but the rest I don’t think would be fair.
Honestly, I think the best thing you can do is find someone else who aligns with you on this issue. I’ve seen there are a lot of bee’s on this site who have relationships where neither partner has opposite sex friends and maybe thats the sort of relationship you would be comfortable with. This relationship however is kind of at an crossroads. You likely won’t ever be able to change the way you feel about your Fiance having a past with his female friends and he likely won’t want to cut every woman out of his life except for you. There isn’t really anywhere to go from there unless someone gives in.
I would like to touch on that this seems to be coming from a place of insecurity that you probably should address. Are you concerned he’s going to cheat on you? Having secret feelings for one of his friends? What is the real cause of the unease?
Post # 5
How does he have time for all these people? ! Not pc but I would not care for this either….especially the long term that still has feelings for him.
Post # 6
I think it’s time for you to make a decision on whether or not you could deal with his “friends” forever. Some people are totally cool with knowin everyone who has ever slept with their SOs and others just never want to know, let alone see them on a regular basis. I know I wouldn’t be able to deal with a relationship like yours. I just wouldn’t want that constant reminder.
Post # 7
He didn’t ask any of them to marry him, did he? He asked you.
Post # 8
I can relate a lot to this post, as my SO also has a lot of past lovers/exes as friends, and I, too, struggle with it at times. So while I can’t tell you whether you should leave him or not, I can tell you what has worked for me, and maybe that would be helpful to you, as well.
The first thing you need to do is stop judging yourself through their eyes, and assuming what they think of you, which is what it sounds like you’re doing when you talk about being “the new girl.” For all you know, these friends of his are happy for him that he has found someone that he wants to marry! You are possibly going into these meetings or situations with a negative perspective from the jump, and changing that slightly can help a LOT. I say this from experience. Instead of focusing on “ugh he slept with her” why not actually allow yourself to get to know her and focus on the fact that YOU are who he chose to marry? Ask yourself if you would have a problem with these women had you not been given the information that they had slept together. Your answer may surprise you, and you may even find yourself making a few friends in the process.
Secondly, I would do some serious soul searching to figure out WHY this bothers you so much, given the fact that he seems like he has been very patient with you and respects your boundaries. Do you feel as though you aren’t as good as them? Do you feel like you’re just another link in the chain of women? Do you TRULY believe he loves you more than anyone else and wants to spend his life with you? Do you believe you are worthy of that love? Really dig deep and see if you can figure out where the insecurity is coming from. For me, it came down to me not truly trusting that my SO could be JUST friends with someone she had a strong attraction to in the past. Some part of me believed that if she was attracted to (or in love with) this person in the past, there was NO WAY she could not still feel that way now on some level. Once I nailed that piece down, I was able to work on that issue directly and get over my insecurities (for the most part, lol).
Finally, you have got to stop obsessing over this. It will destroy your relationship and eventually your Fiance is going give up, get frustrated, and/or think you don’t trust him at all. That is not a good foundation for a marriage! Distract yourself. Shift your focus. Get to the root of the issue and work on it, and then LET IT GO.
I know it’s tough, but I don’t believe the answer has to be a black and white “leave and find someone else, or stay and suck it up.” Good luck to you!
Post # 9
I personally couldn’t deal with that either. However, I wouldn’t date someone like that in the first place, just because I know myself and how I would react. I think it’s not fair to ask him to change. You’ve made your feelings clear. If it still bothers you and he feels his friends are not a big deal, you may have to find someone new.
Post # 10
thanks everybody. he has time for them mostly through text and messenger, not in person. I also have full access to his phone any time I want it (he also has access to mine, it’s something we both agreed to early on in the relationship – no secrets). His ex that still has feelings for him is someone he talks to through text and occasionally on the phone, but because of my discomfort and her admitting her feelings he has not seen her in person for over a year.
I guess I have some work to do here and some things to think about. I really don’t know why it bothers me so much but it just does. ugh.
Post # 11
I’ve read enough comments on here to know how this should go.
You’re being controlling, you should trust your mate, without trust there’s no point in being in the relationship, you are being jealous, paranoid, controlling, smothering, you don’t own him, he is allowed to have friends, he should dump you…..oh wait, that’s when the guy has some boundaries he doesn’t want crossed. I’m sure that same crap doesn’t apply to you ladies.
Seriously though. You need some boundaries. If you are uncomfortable with him having all of these ex’s in his life and women that actively have crushes on him than they shouldn’t still be in his life. It isn’t healthy for the relationship. When you become his wife these other women should fade away and shouldn’t still be an active part of his life.
Have you two ever sat down an established some boundaries? You might need to. If it makes you miserable than state it honestly and you should go after what makes you happy. If him always having all of these women around doesn’t make you happy then ask him to stop (you insecure, controlling, non trusting, jealous…..). If he won’t stop then this relationship may be making you more unhappy than happy. You may need to move on if you are with someone who always does things that make you feel bad and hurt you.
Post # 12
derville : Actually, if you read the thread literally no one has said any of that and most of the posters agreed with the OP that they would also be uncomfortable.
Post # 13
Yikes, these comments are not what I expected. In my experience, my fi and I have a few friends who we’ve had some sort of relationship with in the past…a few, as in 1 or 2 total. And I’m talking like a drunken kiss here..nothing past that. But it isn’t a good idea to drag your past along into your present and future with multiple people. He obvously had been attracted to them at some point, either physically or emotionally (or both) and ties like that don’t need to be brought into your marriage. Especially if the attraction is still strong on their end. He isn’t being ‘admirable’ for mainitaining such relationships. Being admirable is being a decent person to them in passing while respecting your emotions as well. I think you need to examine the kind of friends you and he are allowing in your life. Close friendships, IMO, should be meaningful and not just with any joe-schmo that hangs around. And certainly not with every old flame there is…it ended for a reason so tell him to keep that in mind and keep moving!
Post # 14
slomotion : I think she was referring to the whole site when she said “on here”, not just this thread. But she’s right about what she said. That’s the usual response to posts like this.
Post # 15
Everyone has their own boundaries. The problems come when we try to pretend to be someone we’re not.
This is who he is, it’s not who you are. That’s okay, no one is wrong. But it’s not going to work unless one of you agrees to stop being themselves, and that’s not a great plan.
it would be a mistake, imo, for you to try to fundamentally change yourself to stay with him. You can love many people, but that doesn’t mean they are the right mate for you.
I’d tell him you love him and wish this were different, but it bothers you and it’s not going to stop bothering you and you don’t want to spend a lifetime monitoring his friends.