(Closed) Can’t help but be sad about non-engagement (long)

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

At least you know he’s on board with getting married. As many girls on here will tell you, that’s half the battle right there. I’m sure once he has a job he will be able to make it work in no time, either by making payments on a ring or something like that.

It doesn’t really sound to me like he broke his promise. Usually I’ll be the first one to call guys out, but in this case it sounds like he is doing the best he can. If you aren’t willing to take a less expensive ring, you can’t really complain that he isn’t proposing. Not saying you SHOULD take a less expensive ring if you won’t be happy with it, but it sounds to me like he is trying to give you what you want. It just looks like it may take a little longer than you were expecting.

Have you thought about compromising, and maybe getting a blingy moissanite, gemstone or white sapphire ring? Or maybe get your dream setting with a CZ in it now, and upgrade in a few years? Weddings can be pretty cheap if you do them Friday or Sunday in October or November rather than Saturday night in June. You’ll stilll have to wait, but maybe not quite as long.

I’m LDR too. It sucks. 🙁

Post # 4
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think it would make you feel better if you saw some emotion from him. Maybe you should say something along the lines of “Babe, I know it’s stuff beyond your control and that’s okay, I just need to know that you’re as bummed as I am.”  It seems like that’s the reason you’re most upset about having to wait.

Post # 5
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would for sure let him know you are hurt. I mean he said it would happen by now. I know he can’t afford anything but he should have thought everything through better before hand. He probably does feel bad, but I think it would help to discuss your dissapointment with him.  I know you said you didn’t want to get engaged with just a cheap place-holder ring, but what if you guys started saving for one little by little? You could always still get engaged and tell everyone that you are in the process of getting the ring. I am sure you have heard of moissanite, if not I would look in to that. You could get something super nice for a fraction of the cost of a diamond, though I understand if you are really wanting a diamond.  Even just putting away a little at a time would help. I am really, really sorry you are dealing with this. Just stay strong and talk to him. Maybe you guys could figure something out? 

Post # 7
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Mewcakes: Oh I understand!! It’s just something you’ll have to get used to, to put it bluntly.  I used to be the same way. I couldn’t articulate when I was upset or why.. but he helped me work on it and now it’s a lot easier to tell him straight up what I need, when I need it, and why. It takes practice and it’s still not perfect, but it improves things a lot!

I’m kind of going through the same thing.. Instead of living together now, like I thought we’d be, we’re about to be long distance. It took a serious toll on me. I told him I was sad because my plans didn’t work like I’d expected, and he made me feel better by saying how much better our plans will be in the long run.  I think if you go to your SO with how you’re feeling, he’ll reassure you and make you feel better about the whole situation.  As long as you don’t blame him or make him feel guilty, and focus on how the situation upsets you, he should be happy to make you smile 🙂

Post # 10
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Mewcakes: Man, once again I am sooo sorry. I wish he would have just figured out some way to keep his promise to you. I think that is what is really bumming you out, the fact that he knew for soooo long and did not find some way to come through. I would be bummed too. ): Man that is a tough situation. Atleast you still have each other and you know after this there is probably going to be a fire lit under his @ss to get the ball rolling. Especially if he knows how bad it hurt you.

Post # 11
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I am very sorry about your situation. I am sure a lot of bees would totally relate to the “bum” you are feeling. Seriously financial frustration + waiting could be the worst. I feel for you for thinking in terms of coulda woulda shoulda about your guy having started his business. SO FRUSTRATING! But what Amusememusically said. Your guy is on the same page about the future, and that is very “ahead” of the game.

I think it’d be wise to use this waiting time to really prepare yourself intellectually and emotionally for marriage. There will be similar financial issues or other issues that may be out of your control that you two will have to face as a married couple. That’s life! Especially since your guy is a start his own business type.

Post # 12
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

I just wanted to say that I KNOW what you’re feeling and I sympathize with you. I’ve been there. I initially went ring shopping with my SO 13 months ago. At that time he was really excited and I figured we’d be married by this Summer 2011. So when the end of the year came and he lost his job and hadn’t saved any money I was devastated. And even now 8 months since he lost his job we JUST got a ring 17 days ago. He was out of work for at least half this year. I was so resentful, hurt, frustrated, you name it. But I loved him and I knew it wasn’t his fault. And just like you I was mad that he DIDN’T save before he lost his job. Even though looking back in hindsight we couldn’t have used the money for the ring anyway but it would have been nice to know. Hang in there. Your SO does want to marry you. This economy sucks and is hard on everyone in some way. Try to talk it out with him. Be honest. It will make you feel better. It’s hard for guys to plan without an income. So still be realistic. If you have no income how will you plan and pay for a wedding? I had to start thinking about that in my situation because I lost my job a few months after SO. Even if we would have stuck to the plan of getting married this Summer as I wanted to initially there is no way we could have afforded the wedding we want with the break in income and employment. So it worked out for us. I’m now working. He now has two jobs and it’s all more clear.

A timeline from him right now would be like pulling teeth. Instead make one for yourself. I did. It was my 4 year anniversary (which was yesterday). And even though we still aren’t engaged YET he did take me with him to purchase the ring as I stated 17 days ago (yes I’m counting). Good Luck!!! I hope he finds a job soon and you’re able to get engaged.

**hugs**

Post # 14
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

@Mewcakes: I definitely know what you mean. Sometimes guys needs to know that we have an expecatation. Without the nudge, they tend to take a lot longer than we’d like.

One reality though, is that men equate the feelings of stability and happiness with marriage. And often they need to feel accomplished in order to be stable and happy and in order to make engagement/marriage a priority. So unfortunately it looks like you’re going to have to give him some time. And it sounds things will only get better for you both financially with time, because you don’t want to enter a union like that in a bad financial positon anyway! You’ll fell better and he’ll probably be more inclined to make moves when the both of you have solid income and more freedom to do what you want.

If you still want to get engaged regardless of your financial situation, I would say sell some things of value that you own to get the money. I wouldn’t get an extravagant ring to begin with, but upgrade later. If it’s really about making moves toward starting your lives together, it shouldn’t be all about a pricey ring. Consider making the tradoff…get a modest ring now (or at least sooner than you would otherwise) and you will be happily engaged and taking steps toward marriage. Then upgrade later when you two are more comfortable.

Don’t let something like this stop you if you are both ready to move forward.  However, waiting can certainly prove to be a good thing. Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
3303 posts
Sugar bee

I am sorry you feel that way- I am in the group of “get a cheaper ring and upgrade later” just because I know that the engagement (to me) meant more than the ring. I was tired of waiting, tired of wanting, tired of wishing and if it meant having a smaller/cheaper diamond just to get past that, then that was what I would do (If I did wait then I wouldn’t be engaged for another year and a half).
Since that isn’t what you want, I hope your heart feels better about the situation and you are able to get engaged soon. I am sure he feels bad for disappointing you but men aren’t that emotional so I am sure his feeling on the matter are just locked away! *easier waiting vibes for you*

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