Post # 1
Okay bees, so i’ve posted a few times about not being able to shut it up, I’m super impatient but this is one of the things my SO likes about me (on a normal day anyway), my inability to wait for anything and i also hate surprises. So when we decided we were at the right stage in our relationship to get married (just bought a house, i have a 4 year old son who he treats like his own and were both in stable jobs) he knew he would have to include me in his plans. We talked about a timeline (september 12th is his deadline) and i have chosen a ring so now i’m just waiting for him.
My problem is, i can’t shut up about it at all!! I cannot stop bringing it up. He then acts like he doesn’t want to marry me at all which upsets me, so i get upset about it and then he gets upset about it. It’s a terrible circle that we can’t get out of. I’m trying mr bees plan by staying active (playing with my son and set up my own baking business in my spare time) and I’m going out with my girlfriends and sisters more regularly so that we don’t spend all our time together but whenever we are together talk always turns to marriage and ultimately engagement.
Last night he shouted at me for bringing it up and said he would buy the ring this weekend just to shut me up which is not what i want. I just want him to WANT to ask me, this is my problem that he acts like he doesnt want to ask me to marry him. I have told him that if he doesn’t want to marry me at all then to tell me because at least then i can move on from the situation and maybe be happy again but he still says he DOES want to ask me.
If he wants to ask me, why wont he? what on earth is holding him up, he has the money (although I have said many times i do not need a ring at all i dont wear jewellery at all now so it wouldnt be a big deal to me), we’re both on the same page (unless hes lying about wanting to ask me) and we already agreed a wedding date which was his idea in the first place. I feel like im pressuring him into asking which was never my intention its just that whenever i bring it up he will make comments that make me think he doesnt want to ask me at all (like saying he wishes he’d never talked to me about marriage in the first place) which really upsets me and the cycle starts again.
I dont want him to ask me just to shut me up, he knows i just want him to want to ask me. If he doesnt want to ask me i want him to tell me that too. No hard feelings, i wont leave him because he isnt ready, i love him to bits and so does my son. He doesnt understand how much he upsets me by saying he wishes he had never spoken to me about it. I just want us to be happy again and i know its my fault by keep bringing it up and i try so hard not to but we see something on tv or facebook about marriage and it comes up naturally. I’m at a loss as to what to do i cant go on like this forever it feels like he will wait until the last day of his deadline to ask me which he knows will irritate me i just feel like sometimes he likes winding me up because he knows its something i want more than anything.
Sorry for the super long post and i already know where the failure is coming from. its me!! im well aware of this so please do not post nasty comments as i already feel terrible. I barely even need advice since i know whats going wrong i just needed a place to vent, im not allowed to talk to my friends/family about it because he wants it to be a surprise to somebody when it happens so you bees are all i have. sorry again xxx
Post # 3
From what you’ve said, it sounds like he does want to/is ready to ask you, but probably wants to do it his own way. If you keep asking him about it, then he probably feels like you’re pushing and pressuring him, and it’s maybe ruining his own plan for a proposal. Even if you both know it’s coming, I’m sure he wants to make it a special moment and give you a bit of a surprise, but if you keep focusing on it-there’s every chance you’re not giving him an opportunity to make it special for you, instead you’re basically saying “Get on with it already!” You’ll remember the moment he proposed forever, and you don’t want it to be an answer to a question, because that’s not as special. Example: “When are you going to ask me to marry you?” “Fine! Will you marry me?” Is that what you really want? 😉 I’d say keep focusing on other things, and no matter how anxious or impatient you are getting, bite your tongue if you have to and just let him have his moment and take the lead. I bet if the pressue is off him, he’ll feel a lot better and less frustrated.
Post # 4
Why won’t he ask? Because you are pressuring him. Even though he wants to marry you, all this nagging could push him away. Heck, I feel the pressure just reading your post. Drop it and don’t expect a proposal soon. This needs time to cool off.
Post # 5
Last thing a man wants is a woman naggin him all the time. You are going to push him away if you keep bringing it up. Sorry, but it’s a complete turn off for a man and it’s something that just pisses them off. No matter how hard it is, stop talking about it. If it’s meant to be, it will happen.
Post # 6
@sapphirecupcake: Try to put yourself in his place. You’re pressuring him to death and causing him to feel:
– As though you don’t trust that he loves you as much as you love him.
– As though you don’t trust him to be a man of his word and follow through on his plan and promise.
– As though you don’t respect him enough to get it right.
That’s not how you want him to feel!
You owe him an apology. Tell him you’re sorry for behaving in a neurotic, anxious and self-defeating way (because you are). Tell him you do love and trust him. Also, tell him, IF this is true – that you love him above all. Above the ring, above the proposal, above the marriage, above the wedding. You might be making him feel used right now, as though all he’s good to you for is an engagement ring. That’s not what you want. If you love this man and truly want him, no matter what, tell him you would be with him even if he NEVER proposes to you – that you love him for himself and not for what he can/will do for you.
Then SHUT IT – or you may drive him away from you permanently. Behave like a woman a man will want to marry. !
Post # 7
You’re pressuring him. This is something that you need to let go control of. You need to. This is something that is his — his moment, his time, his preparedness. You cannot keep bringing this up and taking the time away from him and then get angry at him for not doing it fast enough. Men who feel pressured and nagged won’t do it for many reasons, and continuing to nag and pressure is just going to either make him propose to shut you up, or never do it at all.
This is the harsh reality of it. If you don’t want him to do it to shut you up, you need to do exactly that and shut up about it. Do not bring it up. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars. The moment it pops into your head, dismiss it.
I agree with Sunflower — I feel super pressured just by reading your post. “Why won’t he do it already? If he wants to marry me, just do it! Why do I have to keep bringing it up? I wouldn’t bring it up if he would just get on the ball and propose!” Jesus, take a breath and cool off.
If you love and respect the relationship and the time you’ve put into this, you need to take a few very large steps back and let go, or else he may never propose to you. I figured it’d feel a lot worse knowing he didn’t/won’t propose because of something you did.
This is his moment. For the rest of the wedding, it will only be about you, you, you, and not him. This is the moment he gets. Chill out, and let him have this.
You’re acting like an impatient child. You need to put your big girl panties on, become the woman everyone knows you are, and wait like an adult. It will happen if you just shut up about it.
Post # 8
@sapphirecupcake: Hugs…I know it’s really hard to shut it up when you want it sooo badly, I feel the same way.
In the past few months I’ve really shut it up. I ultimately decided that I don’t want to pressure him and really want him to do it when he’s ready (which I know is in the next few months). From what you’ve said, it defintely seems like he is on the right path and you guys will be engaged soon.
I’ve also done all the “things to keep my mind off of it”. Going to the gym, hanging out with friends, doing things for me….BUT I’ve also been doing things for him. Small little gestures that show him how much I love him, and how much he means to me. Leaving a note in his lunch bag, getting his favorite candy at the store, leaving a note on the bathroom mirror for when he gets up for work…I know he appreciates all of these things. For a while I let the waiting get to me until I realized it was the only thing I could possibly get upset about in our relationship…everything else is literally great.
My advice, and trust me, I know it’s difficult, is to appreciate the time that you have together now and focus on not only yourself, but the good things in your relationship. If the only thing that is upsetting you about your SO is the fact that he hasn’t proposed yet (and you know that he will soon), then I think we can agree that you have a solid relationship. I’ve noticed that when I stopped bringing it up, he was actually the one who started talking about it more. Hang in there!! 🙂
Post # 9
jesus i know i am impatient and everything but calling me a child? harsh much? i already said i know how terrible ive been and in real life im not sat there saying to him ‘omg why wont you ask’ most of the time i try to be quiet and then he brings it up because x got engaged and what are my thoughts or theres something wedding related on tv and he will ask me my opinions on it so hes the one to bring up the subject quite a lot and i cant seem to ignore it, like once the gates open i cant stop talking about it.
Also my problem was that he gives me mixed signals like saying he wished he hadnt thought about it and then talking about ‘our’ wedding i dont know where i stand oh and i have apologised to him for keep nagging. Im doing all i can to take my mind off things but it seems like the convo comes up every other day and it gets me frustrated that it isnt my time yet which is why i get upset then he does etc.
oh and i would just like to point out that the wedding isnt about me, he has told me what he wants and its a tiny wedding whereas i wanted a big one so i get no say it it because he is the main earner in the house and i provide for my son so he will be the one paying for it, i have no problem with doing it his way because it will cost less and im not just after a ring, i have told him i dont need a ring.
Thankyou for your advice i know im stupid and probably delaying the proposal myself by talking about it, im just gonna have to tell him that if he wants to talk weddings he can talk to his mum or my sisters because otherwise i will never be able to stop talking about it.
Post # 10
i had a total deja vu moment reading your post. my SO said the same thing as yours did.
‘i wish i hadnt brought up marriage to you now’
he’s not saying that because he doesnt want to marry you, he’s saying it out of frustration because you wont shut up about it, which only adds more pressure onto him.
the more you talk about it, the more you push him away from asking you. youre basically damaging your chances to get what you really wanted. i know its tough, i was impatient, and i made the same mistakes that you did by pestering him about it.
my SO was the first one to inquire about marriage, it wasnt even on my radar yet as we were still pretty young, not long after he brought it up, i ran with it. you couldnt pay me to shut up about marriage. it got so bad we split over it, reconciled 4 months later.
the more i would push and ask about it, the more frustrated and distant he became where he finally made that statement above. it was a dagger through the heart, but i realized later why he was saying it. my actions led him to that.
i know its hard to keep quiet about something you really want, but learn from my mistakes . he knows you want marriage, youve chosen a ring, now its time to shut up. only speak of it when he initiates. .
Post # 11
@sapphirecupcake: im just gonna have to tell him that if he wants to talk weddings he can talk to his mum or my sisters because otherwise i will never be able to stop talking about it.
Sounds like a good idea. He can talk about it all he wants. You need to just nod and do not open the flood gates. You absolutely can stop yourself from talking about it. I think this is your last shot – he is close to the edge when he says he wishes he never brought it up.
Post # 12
@Sunflower–girl: agreed. i hate what ive become, i never even wanted to get married until i met him and now ive turned into gfzilla. i hope he can see past my craziness and i hope i can shush about it for now. hopefully the next post you read from me will be that im engaged instead of more ranting. i might stay off the bee for a while too so i can be quiet. it might help. thanks for the advice xx
Post # 13
I know it’s almost impossible to stop thinking about and talking about when it is the thing you want most. I have driven him crazy as well as my friends. It finally occurred to me that getting engaged won’t make us love each orher more. It is no guarantee that a wedding will happen nothing really changes in your relationship until marriage. Engagement is a traditional formality. Once I realized that, I have been able to shut up about it. I know it will happen and when it does i will be so excited, but in the mean time, I’ve accepted that I need to be happy with today instead of being miserable waiting for tomorrow.
Post # 14
@sapphirecupcake: My SO told me once to just. stop. talking. It sank in. I realized if I didn’t shut up right then, it was over. When he starts talking about it remember the goal. Take yourself out of the situation and think about the end result, not the current moment in time.
Post # 15
I hate to sound mean, but I swear if you were in front of me and said all that, I’d probably have thrown my ring at you to make it stop. I totally agree with telling him that if he wants to talk about the wedding, he can talk to his mom or your sisters. And I get that when you know that you CAN’T talk about something, that’s all you think about. But that’s just too bad. This is the moment to put on your big girl pants, and exercise some serious discipline. Because you don’t want to be that person when you do get engaged that never shuts up about it and drives their friends and family crazy.
Post # 16
I might suggest making an appointment once a week or once a month where you can talk about your feelings and about how you’re moving towards marraige. Ask him if that’s ok. Once a month is probably better, but if you’re at it every day, once a week would be better. Schedule a dinner alone, and then you can talk about it civilly.
If he has some time to think about it beforehand he won’t snap at you with things he doesn’t mean like “I wish I didn’t bring it up.”
If you have some time to think about it beforehand, you can concisely let him know how you’re feeling, whether it’s you’re worried about your son getting old enough to realize you aren’t married, you worry whether you should have bought the house, etc.
Pick one thing you want resolution on each time – start big – is he committed. Then, is he going to buy a ring and when? Can you at least talk about what you’d like? Then, does he want you to let him surprise you? (ha) I bet the longer it goes the better it gets – he can just tell you that he has the ring and you can tell him you’re going out of your mind and you’ll have your stuff packed on Sept. 11. 🙂