(Closed) Cant shut it up. Terrible gf. Long post.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

From what you’ve said, it sounds like he does want to/is ready to ask you, but probably wants to do it his own way. If you keep asking him about it, then he probably feels like you’re pushing and pressuring him, and it’s maybe ruining his own plan for a proposal. Even if you both know it’s coming, I’m sure he wants to make it a special moment and give you a bit of a surprise, but if you keep focusing on it-there’s every chance you’re not giving him an opportunity to make it special for you, instead you’re basically saying “Get on with it already!” You’ll remember the moment he proposed forever, and you don’t want it to be an answer to a question, because that’s not as special. Example: “When are you going to ask me to marry you?” “Fine! Will you marry me?” Is that what you really want? 😉 I’d say keep focusing on other things, and no matter how anxious or impatient you are getting, bite your tongue if you have to and just let him have his moment and take the lead. I bet if the pressue is off him, he’ll feel a lot better and less frustrated. 

Post # 4
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee

Why won’t he ask?  Because you are pressuring him.  Even though he wants to marry you, all this nagging could push him away.  Heck, I feel the pressure just reading your post.  Drop it and don’t expect a proposal soon.  This needs time to cool off. 

Post # 5
Member
979 posts
Busy bee

Last thing a man wants is a woman naggin him all the time.  You are going to push him away if you keep bringing it up. Sorry, but it’s a complete turn off for a man and it’s something that just pisses them off.  No matter how hard it is, stop talking about it. If it’s meant to be, it will happen.  

Post # 6
Member
9953 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@sapphirecupcake:  Try to put yourself in his place.  You’re pressuring him to death and causing him to feel: 

– As though you don’t trust that he loves you as much as you love him.

– As though you don’t trust him to be a man of his word and follow through on his plan and promise.

– As though you don’t respect him enough to get it right.

That’s not how you want him to feel!

You owe him an apology.  Tell him you’re sorry for behaving in a neurotic, anxious and self-defeating way (because you are).  Tell him you do love and trust him.  Also, tell him, IF this is true – that you love him above all.  Above the ring, above the proposal, above the marriage, above the wedding.  You might be making him feel used right now, as though all he’s good to you for is an engagement ring.  That’s not what you want.  If you love this man and truly want him, no matter what, tell him you would be with him even if he NEVER proposes to you – that you love him for himself and not for what he can/will do for you.

Then SHUT IT – or you may drive him away from you permanently.  Behave like a woman a man will want to marry.  !

Post # 7
Member
9115 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

You’re pressuring him. This is something that you need to let go control of. You need to. This is something that is his — his moment, his time, his preparedness. You cannot keep bringing this up and taking the time away from him and then get angry at him for not doing it fast enough. Men who feel pressured and nagged won’t do it for many reasons, and continuing to nag and pressure is just going to either make him propose to shut you up, or never do it at all.

 

This is the harsh reality of it. If you don’t want him to do it to shut you up, you need to do exactly that and shut up about it. Do not bring it up. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars. The moment it pops into your head, dismiss it.

 

I agree with Sunflower — I feel super pressured just by reading your post. “Why won’t he do it already? If he wants to marry me, just do it! Why do I have to keep bringing it up? I wouldn’t bring it up if he would just get on the ball and propose!” Jesus, take a breath and cool off.

 

If you love and respect the relationship and the time you’ve put into this, you need to take a few very large steps back and let go, or else he may never propose to you. I figured it’d feel a lot worse knowing he didn’t/won’t propose because of something you did.

 

This is his moment. For the rest of the wedding, it will only be about you, you, you, and not him. This is the moment he gets. Chill out, and let him have this.

You’re acting like an impatient child. You need to put your big girl panties on, become the woman everyone knows you are, and wait like an adult. It will happen if you just shut up about it.

 

Post # 8
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

@sapphirecupcake:  Hugs…I know it’s really hard to shut it up when you want it sooo badly, I feel the same way.

 

In the past few months I’ve really shut it up. I ultimately decided that I don’t want to pressure him and really want him to do it when he’s ready (which I know is in the next few months). From what you’ve said, it defintely seems like he is on the right path and you guys will be engaged soon.

 

I’ve also done all the “things to keep my mind off of it”. Going to the gym, hanging out with friends, doing things for me….BUT I’ve also been doing things for him. Small little gestures that show him how much I love him, and how much he means to me. Leaving a note in his lunch bag, getting his favorite candy at the store, leaving a note on the bathroom mirror for when he gets up for work…I know he appreciates all of these things. For a while I let the waiting get to me until I realized it was the only thing I could possibly get upset about in our relationship…everything else is literally great.

 

My advice, and trust me, I know it’s difficult, is to appreciate the time that you have together now and focus on not only yourself, but the good things in your relationship. If the only thing that is upsetting you about your SO is the fact that he hasn’t proposed yet (and you know that he will soon), then I think we can agree that you have a solid relationship. I’ve noticed that when I stopped bringing it up, he was actually the one who started talking about it more. Hang in there!! 🙂

Post # 10
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

i had a total deja vu moment reading your post. my SO said the same thing as yours did.

 

‘i wish i hadnt brought up marriage to you now’

 

he’s not saying that because he doesnt want to marry you, he’s saying it out of frustration because you wont shut up about it, which only adds more pressure onto him.

 

the more you talk about it, the more you push him away from asking you. youre basically damaging your chances to get what you really wanted. i know its tough, i was impatient, and i made the same mistakes that you did by pestering him about it.

 

my SO was the first one to inquire about marriage, it wasnt even on my radar yet as we were still pretty young, not long after he brought it up, i ran with it. you couldnt pay me to shut up about marriage. it got so bad we split over it, reconciled 4 months later.

 

the more i would push and ask about it, the more frustrated and distant he became where he finally made that statement above. it was a dagger through the heart, but i realized later why he was saying it. my actions led him to that.

 

i know its hard to keep quiet about something you really want, but learn from my mistakes . he knows you want marriage, youve chosen a ring, now its time to shut up. only speak of it when he initiates. .

 

 

 

Post # 11
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee

@sapphirecupcake:  im just gonna have to tell him that if he wants to talk weddings he can talk to his mum or my sisters because otherwise i will never be able to stop talking about it.
 

Sounds like a good idea.  He can talk about it all he wants.  You need to just nod and do not open the flood gates.  You absolutely can stop yourself from talking about it.  I think this is your last shot – he is close to the edge when he says he wishes he never brought it up.  

Post # 13
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

I know it’s almost impossible to stop thinking about and talking about when it is the thing you want most.  I have driven him crazy as well as my friends. It  finally occurred to me  that getting engaged won’t make us love each orher more.  It is no guarantee that  a wedding will happen  nothing really changes in your relationship until marriage.  Engagement is a traditional formality.  Once I realized that, I have been able to shut up about it.  I know it will happen and when it does i will be so excited, but in the mean time, I’ve accepted that  I need to be happy with today instead of being miserable waiting for tomorrow.

Post # 14
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee

@sapphirecupcake:  My SO told me once to just. stop. talking.  It sank in.  I realized if I didn’t shut up right then, it was over.  When he starts talking about it remember the goal.  Take yourself out of the situation and think about the end result, not the current moment in time. 

Post # 15
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I hate to sound mean, but I swear if you were in front of me and said all that, I’d probably have thrown my ring at you to make it stop.  I totally agree with telling him that if he wants to talk about the wedding, he can talk to his mom or your sisters.  And I get that when you know that you CAN’T talk about something, that’s all you think about.  But that’s just too bad.  This is the moment to put on your big girl pants, and exercise some serious discipline.  Because you don’t want to be that person when you do get engaged that never shuts up about it and drives their friends and family crazy. 

Post # 16
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I might suggest making an appointment once a week or once a month where you can talk about your feelings and about how you’re moving towards marraige.  Ask him if that’s ok.  Once a month is probably better, but if you’re at it every day, once a week would be better.  Schedule a dinner alone, and then you can talk about it civilly. 

If he has some time to think about it beforehand he won’t snap at you with things he doesn’t mean like “I wish I didn’t bring it up.”

If you have some time to think about it beforehand, you can concisely let him know how you’re feeling, whether it’s you’re worried about your son getting old enough to realize you aren’t married, you worry whether you should have bought the house, etc. 

Pick one thing you want resolution on each time – start big – is he committed.  Then, is he going to buy a ring and when?  Can you at least talk about what you’d like? Then, does he want you to let him surprise you?  (ha)  I bet the longer it goes the better it gets – he can just tell you that he has the ring and you can tell him you’re going out of your mind and you’ll have your stuff packed on Sept. 11.  🙂

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