(Closed) cant shut up. ahhh

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2490 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

*hugs* I know exactly how you’re feeling! I have been “waiting” for over a year now.

We moved in together in November 2011 into his house. The deal was that was our “trial run” and if we liked living together we would buy a place. I didn’t want to buy a place unless marriage was in the near future for us and he agreed and kept telling me not to worry about it. While we were househunting I would keep remind him that I wasn’t comfortable buying together and he would just hug me and tell me he’s “on it”. We bought a house, moved in last May…. no ring yet… still waiting… our anniversary has passed, both of our birthdays, numerous vacations, every holiday and still no proposal. It’s soul crushing at times. We’ve had some huge blowups because of it and it’s been really hard to deal with.

Sorry for going off there, I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. Can you talk to him seriously without crying (I know it’s harder said than done) and let him know how you feel and ask for some clear answers??

Post # 4
Member
352 posts
Helper bee

@roughtimes88:  I was going through a similar thing, where I was trying to be quiet about it but my boyfriend would keep bringing up the future, and forever, and getting old, but wouldn’t even give me a timeline for engagement. My therapist suggested I just ask him to stop talking about it… not in a mean way, I just said, “until you have a specific plan, I’d rather not talk about the future, it just makes me upset, and I don’t want to be that way.”

AS SOON as I said that, he gave me a timeline. I think you should mention to him that when he keeps talking about it without anything ACTUALLY happening it’s upsetting. That way, you’re letting him know you’re upset, but the focus is on talking about it and not “wahhhhh when are we getting engaged!” (not to imply that you’re like that, but I sure can be, LOL)

Post # 6
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You’ve got to stop with the crying.  The moment the waterworks start, you’ve lost.  You turned a rational, reasonable discussion about timelines into emotional hysteria, and men turn OFF at that point. 

 @laughs:  is absolutely right.  Calmly tell him that you’re not going to talk in vague wishes for the future, you will only discuss specifics.  Continue repeating that every time he brings it up. 

Post # 7
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MariContrary:  @orchidaloha:  I’m sorry you’re both going through this and trust me I can completely relate.  We bought our house at the start of 2011, moved in together in March of 2011.  That same year he kept telling me that it would happen by the end of the year.  Well unfortunately for financial reasons (we were both laid off 6 months after we bought our house) it didn’t happen and I totally understood.

Fast forward to August 2012 and we started looking at diamonds, my brother-in-law is a jeweller and we found one we both really liked.  Paid half the diamond off in August and again my SO was laid-off and than started school so we couldn’t pay the rest of it until January this year.  Well he finished paying off the diamond, we picked out the setting and the ring has been ready since FEBRUARY! 

He had today off work so he stayed up till 4am playing video games, which for whatever reason honestly made me so hostile today.  He got up this morning to have coffee with me before I left for work and the first thing I said to him was that if he devoted a fraction of the evening to planning a proposal instead of his video games he’d have a proposal planned.  He just keeps saying he wants it to be special and the fact that everyone keeps asking when we’re going to get engaged has put a damper on the whole engagement.  To top it off he said to me last week “I guess I should start planning the proposal before you get seriously pissed off.”  Pardon me?  Start planning.  You’ve known since August last year that the engagement was a definite thing and you’re just starting to plan?  Honestly I wanted to reach across our kitchen table and shake him at that point.

Post # 9
Member
3248 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@GonnaBeAFind:  

@roughtimes88:  It sounds like you both are experiencing a huge amount of negative emotion directed at your SOs and about the engagement. I have to say, from experience, that being unpleasant about it is not going to get anyone anywhere. I went through the unpleasant stage– I was a huge grouch most of the time and couldn’t shut up about it– and it really made everything suck. It made my SO’s and my relationship difficult and actually, it made him scared of my temper. That really upset me when I realized that. Not to imply that either of you are making your SOs feel like that… but realizing he was beginning to be scared of my moods really frightened me and made me snap out if it. So much negativity is not inviting for a proposal, and makes it look like one doesn’t trust one’s partner, which is one of the worst things that can happen in a relationship.

 

Sorry if this sounds lecturey. . . but I have to say it: it isn’t just about what we as women want and expect; the whole thing is a huge deal for them too, and I think that men need to feel ready to actually get married now to be able to propose and get engaged, which I think is why it takes them so long. Often I think women want to be engaged as a step toward being ready to get married, rather than being emotionally ready for marriage right then, and having the engagment be a promise of that. Does that make sense?

 

It sounds like you both need to try really hard to calm down about this some. Having calm and rational discussions about your future and your own hopes/expectations is more productive, and often what comes out of those helps everyone to feel better. I know that when my SO and I finally had a calm and pleasant discussion about what our timeline was, I immediately felt much better and there was no need for me to be upset any longer.

 

roughtimes88, have you and your SO openly discussed the fact that your families need time to save for your wedding travel? Have you agreed on when your wedding is going to be? It sounds like it if he is saying that he’s going to propose within a reasonable amount of time of your wedding. It sounds to me like he has a plan, and “soon” for guys appears to be anywhere from next week to next year. . . so I think it would be best for you to trust what he says and try not to worry about it. Distract yourself with stuff to do. Try not to come on here too much– I found that reading other people’s engagement angst on here made me feel MUCH worse when I was feeling bad about it, and made me obsess and pressure my SO far more.

 

Oh, the pleasures of waiting when thing are unclear. . . it really sucks that so many of us go through this.

Post # 10
Member
4962 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeah I don’t know what it is with boys. We picked out a ring and it took him more than 2 years to actualy order it, and he hung onto it for months. I have no specific advice, but I feel your frustration. 

Post # 11
Member
429 posts
Helper bee

@roughtimes88:  Been there, it’s so awful and I think the waiting period really puts a strain in the relationship. The biggest issue I had was that he always said “it’s coming soon” but one month passed by, then two, so I started thinking that maybe soon for him meant 1 year, and I just couldn’t take it. I don’t really have any advice for you except trying not to get super mad or upset as time goes by. But if you can’t wait I think we ladies have the right to talk upfront with our SO, it’s not just about when THEY want to propose, we have plans and dreams too, so what we want must also be taken into consideration by them, so let him know, just not in an ultimatum kind of way. good luck

 

Post # 12
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Creiddylad:  My frustration comes from him constantly saying he wants us to get married early next year and start a family ASAP.  I’m 30 he’s 31 and we both feel like we’re already married.  Joint accounts, mortgage, 2 dogs etc.  He doesn’t understand that planning a wedding doesn’t just magically happen over night and that if he does want to get married early next year we need at least a year’s notice for either of our churches (who have both already told us we’re pushing it for April next year).  It’s the fact that every time I try and have a serious conversation about setting a timeline his only response is he wants it to be romantic and special.  Though I completely respect and understand that, at the same time he’s had 7 months to think of a way to make it special.  I’ve thought of a million different unique ways to propose to him and I’ve even brought up that maybe I’ll do it to take some of the pressure off of him.  He doesn’t like the idea at all, and feels that it’s immasculating because it’s the guys job to ask, he’s got a bit of an alpha mentality to him and has said that he’d be super embarassed if I did the asking.  So I’m caught between a rock and a hard place.  All of our friends/family keep asking me when the ring is coming etc. no one says a word to him.  The last 3 major family events I’ve probably had at least 35-40 people ask me when we’re getting engaged.  It’s just frustrating when you know the person has the ring, has actually brought up wedding planning, looking at venues, setting a budget etc and hasn’t actually asked yet.

I know this is becoming a little bit of a rant but honestly I can’t tell you the last time my SO planned anything for me, a date night, weekend away etc.  I’ve always done the planning for everything so now that it’s the one thing he actually has to plan and he hasn’t taken any innitative to actually plan something is hurtful. 

Post # 13
Member
3248 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@GonnaBeAFind:  Oh my gosh, that does sound extraordinarily trying and hurtful. Blech. I hope I didn’t come off as too preachy, and if I did, sorry about that!

 

I can definitely understand the frustration, and particularly that you feel hurt/disrespected. Maybe if he knew THAT he’d do something about it. Ugh. I sympathize with the family asking when you’re going to get engaged. . . except in my family, it doesn’t happen as outright asking, it happens as these irritating hints, digs, and indirect statements (like when tryingto figure out my car insurance situation recently, I was telling my father that I might get on my SO’s policy, and my father said something about “I don’t know how that would work out with the not being married thing.” ARGH. I think my father really doesn’t like it that my SO hasn’t yet proposed because my dad has made numerous annoying hinting comments lately. And my very elderly and, unfortunately, not very lucid grandmother, when she saw a ring on my hand (middle finger) said, “Oh! You have a ring!!” Aagh. I wish! Wrong finger! Actually my father commented on that same ring on my middle finger a few months before. Needless to say, I don’t wear it anymore.

 

I’m more at peace with the waiting now because there are indications that it may happen in the next 12 months, and, well, if it doesn’t, it’s not a huge deal yet because I’m going to be in grad school for another year and a half and I’ll have plenty to keep me busy. Also, I’m 26, so I do feel like I have a little time– but I can understand you feeling like you don’t have much time because you’re a few years older than me. I do get a bit panicked when I think how I would like to have kids in my early 30’s, and I MUST be married before that. Ugh. Can’t think about it too much– need to get back to the everlasting homework!

 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
715 posts
Busy bee

Yep my SO told me at New Years we’d be married within 2 years! When I said to him oh right so will that leave us much time between being engaged and getting married? He said ah sure we’re only having a small wedding we won’t have to save much! Men literally have no concept! even a small wedding costs money and planning! I just nodded and shoved A prawn cracker in my mouth to shut me up ( we were out for a Chinese dinner at the time) I am absolutely determined not to cry to him about it after the one time I did 6 months ago And I refuse to mention it first. I told him in November after months of listening to his stupid wedding comments to shut up talking about marraige etc if he want quite ready yet Because women take those comments and let their minds run crazy. I totally understand your frustration. I would say to him ” hey look will you stop mentioning stuff like that until you actually are In that place” I think it’s also fair for you to say ” just so you know women need at least 12-18 months to plan a wedding etc” give him your timelines if you feel he’s being unfair, and let him plan around those. 

Post # 15
Member
1481 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@roughtimes88:  When having these talks with your SO, keep a glass of water/juice/whatever on hand. My friend told me you literally can’t cry when you’re drinking something, I tried it, and IT WORKS. I hated that I would cry if my SO and I would get into discussions about our future and I would get upset, it was really frustrating because I’m not a “cryer” generally but talking waiting, engagement, marriage, etc is apparently a touchy subject for me!

 

I don’t really have much advice for the situation you’re in, because I’m in a pretty similar one. I’m actually going to talk to my SO tonight about getting engaged before moving in together or at least within 6 months of moving in together. But I feel your pain and giving you lots of E-Hugs. Stay strong ladies!

Post # 16
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Creiddylad:  Your comment wasn’t preachy at all.  Some days I’m perfectly fine with waiting and it doesn’t bother me.  Then other days he’ll make a little dig or comment and it just sets me off, today has been one of those days.  I sent him an email from work and he said to me “when are you going to change your work email to my last name people are going to think you’re single.”  I just sent back when we’re actually married and you put a ring on it.  BLAH His family has actually told me to go stay with my parents for a couple weeks so that he can realize just how much I matter to him and give him the little kick to put a ring on it.

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