(Closed) Can't talk to DH about TTC

posted 5 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I understand that having emotional discussions are hard, but you need to have this one. He may surprise you. What I did was start with a few casual comments, “I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon, but I would love to wait until we can take our kids”. He was surprised by my comment because he was just waiting for me to give the green light. We then had several discussions regarding finances, where we would live, how we would raise them, etc. 

Please, just don’t surprise him because you want to skip this step!

Post # 4
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@ItsPronounced_ABear:  I think the best way to conquer your fears and develop and plan that works for both of you is to communicate about it. There is nothing that will hold you back more in your relationship/marriage/future than a lack of communication, in my opinion. Regardless of where you are in life, age, job etc… it’s a conversation that NEEDS to happen. Starting a family, and raising children together is HUGE and not wanting to even have the conversation sends a big red flag, in my opinion.

What about just talking candidly with him, very openly, to give him the opportunity to speak his mind without him feeling like he’s in a corner… something like “So, I know that we both want a family someday… have you given much thought to when an ideal time would be for you to consider this? Are there things you want to have accomplished before we start trying, or personal goals that you want to acheive before we bring another member into this family?”.

If he gets weird about it, just mention that you’ve been thinking about how exciting it would be to start your family together, but want to make sure you are both on the same page. Maybe having a “goal” time for TTC would help you both? Ie: He wants to be in a stable job for 6 months, or have “X” amount saved, or start trying at X date.

Does that make sense? Don’t be afraid of the conversation, he is your husband. These are huge decisions that really have to be made together. You would not want to go forward TTC’ing without both of you on board 100%, it could lead to an incredible amount of resentment and anger on both of your parts, and that is no way to start your family.

Keep us posted, and good luck! I promise it won’t be as scary as you think it will be. πŸ™‚

Post # 6
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@StaceyA:  Yes, this! Said so much better than I tried!

Take what I’m saying with a grain of salt, this topic hits very close to home for me. Both my Darling Husband and I were “accidents”. His mom talks about it all the time, including it in her wedding toast to us! It is embarrassing and sad to hear. My mom planned me, but my dad did not, that was really tough to understand as a child. My parents ended up divorced, due to a lot of things, but lack of communication was a big part. Also note, I don’t think any child should be told they were an “oops”!!

Post # 9
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@KH:  oh my!! No, I don’t think anyone should be told they were an oops! LOL. My SIL was an oops as well (2 older siblings, my in laws thought they were done LOL) but she laughs it off. It was a happy opps, but still. πŸ˜‰

@ItsPronounced_ABear:  Glad you found some of the advice on here helpful! At least if you open the door for the conversation, it allows him to answer truthfully without him feeling like he has to say something specific as to not upset you. He probably already assumes you are thinking about it, so the fact you aren’t pressuring him into a specific time frame is great. I’m sure he’ll be very open about his thoughts and feelings going into it,and hopefully you two can work together to get a plan in place that satisfies you both :):)

Post # 10
Member
4574 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@ItsPronounced_ABear:  I think this is a big step that you both need to take together, dont get pregnant behind his back, cause he will know you did (my bff did this and believe me he knew and always says to her “you trapped me”) .. you don’t want that, dear.  Just talk to him, you never know maybe he wants kids now too or maybe soon enough and FYI you are still young πŸ˜‰

Post # 11
Member
2515 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

ok first of all 30 is not old. you still have some years left before you absolutely have to get pregnant. i’m 33, will be 34 in august and we’re going to TTC this spring.

it might be hard to sit down and talk to him about it but it’s really what you need to do. don’t be scared about it especially since in the past, you’ve talked about having kids. you might just need to set up a general timeline. he might also not be open to it until he finds a new job. maybe he wants to be settled in to that and that’s why he seems scared.

Post # 12
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I was nervous to discuss TTC with my hubby too. We always wanted kids but whenever the subject came up he often made me feel that he wanted to wait quite some time before trying. It came up semi organically when we were house hunting, although I had been waiting for the “right” time to discuss it. I said something similar to what PPs have suggested: “when do you see that happening for us?” And we had a great conversation about wht we both wanted to accomplish before TTC-but my heart was pounding when I said it because I just wasnt sure what to expect! After that conversation in which we had a very rough timeline, I purposely dropped the subject for a couple months. I didn’t want to feel pushy or chatter about it all the time. We recently discussed it again and actually moved up our TTC timeline from the original rough plan–per hubby’s suggestion! I personally feel that some men (my husband def falls in this category) need the time to ruminate on these things. I think sometimes planting the seed of conversation and then letting some time pass is a good way to start out. That’s just my experience! Hope it helps you a bit! Good luck πŸ™‚

Post # 15
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

You should definitely bring it up on your weekend away! Then maybe you can revisit it on your anniversary πŸ™‚ you might be surprised by what he says. I know I was! Hope it goes well for you!

Post # 16
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@ItsPronounced_ABear:  Parenthood is a huge responsability and both people in the couple need to feel ready not just one.

I have a friend who was in your same situation, her SO was one of those people who she thought would never be ready. So she misteriously got pregnant on the pill (yeah right!). About 8 months after the baby was born he has to be rushed to the hospital after a massive nervous breakdown. He is a shadow of his former self and seems to have aged 20 years in these few months (I’m not joking he went totally white in a few months). 

He also clearly has no respect or interest or love left for his partner and I wouldn’t be surprised if as soon as he is feeling mentally better he’ll leave her. 

So don’t push these things on him. If you do I think he has every right to be resentful and not enjoy fatherhood. 

Honest discussions are always the best option in a healthy relationship.

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