(Closed) Can't trust my fiance. Help

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

What career could keep him from marrying you? I’m sorry you’re going through this, I had a friend that went through the exact same thing. One minute he never wanted to be married, then he didnt wanna break up, then they were engaged, then it was off, then it was on, then they had a court house marriage with the stipulation that in a year they would part ways if it wasn’t perfect. Honestly, I couldn’t handle all of the back and forth, the best thing about my Fiance is how secure and safe he makes me feel. Has this only happened a couple times or a lot? How old is he? Its completely up to you, do you feel like you could handle this uneasy feeling you’re experiencing? Maybe once you’re actually married hell cut it out?

Post # 4
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@anon-a-bee81:  I understand that this information may be impossible to divulge without a) revealing your identity or b) sharing more than you wish with strangers online, but its a bit hard to render an opinion on whether or not this is actually cold feet or a commitment issue (which to me implies something deeper than logistics) or rational analysis of whether you guys are a match as life partners (logistics). Marriage takes more than just love, so I don’t think anyone is inherently wrong for thinking about the impact a marriage may have on his or her career when deciding to marry.

SO, I would ask what the career is and what about you is a detriment to that, but again, understand if you don’t want to answer.

Without knowing anything else, I would say my instinct is that your fiance has a pretty serious commitment issue due to the way he is going back and forth. Regardless of his career or the impact the marriage may have on it, the fact he vacillates on this decision even after you (just you why not you both?) have put money down on a venue is very troubling. To me, agreeing to move forward on the marriage and then going back on it or implying he will is extremely disrespectful of your feelings and indicative that he doesn’t place a whole lot of importance on this decision in general. I think you need to ask yourself if that’s the sort of person you want to trust with such an incredible commitment and decision such as marriage and building a life.

For me the gifts and “sweet” stuff wouldn’t mean much — anyone can do “sweet” things when it’s convenient for them.

People show you who they are — you should believe them.

Post # 5
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Hmm honestly that’s messed up. Nobody should have to worry about if the man they are supposed to be marrying is going to call it off at the drop of the dime. I dealt with a committment phobe in a previous relationship and I was addicted to the high I would feel when times were good. But when he would become flaky and uninterested I would feel like arse. But I stayed with him for a while because I kept holding onto the hope that he would be committed for good. It never happened and I ended up dropping him because I realized he was pretty much playing emotional blackmail. Aint nobody got time for that! Now I can’t say you should leave him, but consider the stress you may continue to be under if he doesn’t get it together and stop being so wishy washy. 

Post # 6
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Ya i wouldn’t feel too bad about the feelings you’re having and I don’t think they’re unfair.  The shit you’ve put up with is sure to make anyone uneasy.

Post # 7
Member
7673 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you don’t wish to reveal your FI’s profession, could you at least tell us whether *you* think his concerns are valid that marriage could harm his career? Because I can’t think of any career where marriage would be detrimental, so my initial reaction is it’s a BS excuse. But maybe you know something we don’t.

Post # 10
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@anon-a-bee81:  you know him better than we do, obviously. However, from an outsider’s perspective, it seems to me that you wrote a huge long post about why you are (completely justified) feeling the way you are — and now are making all kinds of excuses for him for his behavior.

If this reasoning is truly valid, if you truly and honestly believe that him taking your face in his hands and his professions of love are genuine, and that his money and involvement in the planning and whatever else truly do equal unwavering commitment….then why did you write this post?

You say the problem is your trust is damaged, not the existence of his commitment — but from where I am sitting the two are one and the same. If his commitment is truly 100% solid, then how is there any rational basis for lack of trust?

You don’t trust him for a reason. I wouldn’t either. For me, “slip-ups” on something as major as whether or not he wants marriage are not acceptable whether they were three months or three years ago. For me there is simply too much at stake. My choice would be a man who hasn’t had slip-ups in this area at all.

I am sure there are stories out there of men who have had doubts and come around and then gone on to be fabulous husbands for 50 years. That’s great! but for me, it takes someone who never put me through the devastation of withdrawal and the subsequent doubt. I personally would not be able to get over that and regain trust. There would be no rationalizing it for me. From your feelings stated here, my suspicion is that you may be the same.

As stated, I am not sure I would ever be able to trust someone like this again with something as huge as LIFE commitment and potential parenthood. I think the ONLY chance would be TIME — MUCH more than three moths, and much more than wedding planning, face holding, “genuine” professions of love etc. I would need to see long term commitment that withstood actual hardships and stresses of real, everyday life and tough decision making for a substantial period of time. Maybe if I saw that I could trust someone like this again.

Post # 12
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@anon-a-bee81:  totally understandable!! (one of) my point(s) is that sometimes we have feelings such as insecurity for a good reason. I have NO WAY of knowing whether that’s the case here, but I definitely would not write them off by saying you just need to reassure yourself and others that he is what you think he is (and want him to be). ANy time you love someone, your instinct will be to defend them — that doesn’t mean the reasoning is totally sound.

These are just my thoughts as an outsider with next to no real knowledge of you guys or your situation. But my knowledge of life says that marriage and all of the implications are not something to hinge 3 months of goodness on. Your original question was how to get through this together, and I think the best way is hard, solid proof — and that only comes with time and experience, texted by challenges you overcome together.

Post # 13
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

If you think the issue is you have you thought about getting counselling? It may or may not help, but at the very least you would feel like you were taking the issue into your own hands, which is always helpful. I don’t know how I would feel in your situation – probably much worse than you.

I too get anxious about such things, and I’m pretty sure that it is me, not my SO, even though he is so, so, slow to commit. I’ve just always had this fear, long before he came into my life, so if you have had similar fears, it might be worth seeing a professional for them, since your SO’s behavior probably hasn’t helped calm you down.

Post # 14
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@anon-a-bee81:  

The only thing I can say as someone who will be uprooting my life, and having my career take a big hit when I get married is it is hard and sometimes I need to vent about it to my Fi. However I never once said to him that i wouldn’t marry him because of it. I love my Fi with all my heart but I’m not going to lie it is extremely hard for me to come to grips with the fact that I am giving up a lot with my career for our relationship.

If he has never doubted marrying you or the wedding, I kind of feel this more about you feeling insecure rather then him having doubts about his career. He is making a major sacrifice and it’s a process to come to grips and accept that. I think put yourself in his shoes for a moment and think about how you feel if you put off your school/work for three years for his job. Even if you love him it wouldn’t be easy to do it without have doubts, without worrying about your career.

Post # 15
Member
3371 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

This is really tough. I completely understand why you would be feeling the way you do. Before I met Fiance, I was in a relationship where the emotional rug from pulled out from under me every few months. Most of the time he would be the sweetest and most devoted boyfriend in the world, and then once in a while he would completely freak out, and start verbalising doubts he had about how he felt about me, our compatibility, our future together. 

Now, we were not well-suited in more ways I can count, but that lack of security really ate away at me. I am perhaps more prone to anxiety than your average, happy-go-lucky girl, but I am not a naturally insecure person. His behaviour made me question everything, I was plagued by insecurity and anxiety because I never knew when he would flip the switch again. In the end I left him when I met Fiance, because I realised that my ex’s emotional volatility meant I had long checked out of the relationship. 

Compromising for careers is tough, but that’s what marriage is about – compromise and building a life together. Fiance and I are in the process of moving overseas. We are choosing between two countries, and myriad employment options. Someone will have to get the short end of the stick salary-wise and career development-wise, but we are trying not to look at it that way. We are trying to build one harmonious life together, not two distinct and competitive ones. If he makes a sacrifice now, then I will do the same for him later down the track and vice versa. 

I agree with @MariaW: that you should explore counselling. Anxiety, trust issues – these are things that are extremely difficult to overcome on one’s own, and can become all-consuming. A professional may be able to provide a framework that you can both use to deal with it, because it is quite likely that he will ‘relapse’ again, and you will continue to feel like you cannot rely on him

Post # 16
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m not one to be negative nancy..

 

In all honestly.. Love is selfless. There really should be NO reason ANY career would get in the way of two people who truly love eachother.. marriage or not. It almost seems like he is “pawning” off these doubts on his career. Love should conquer all and if you’re both willing to work on it.. he could live abroad and still have a successful marriage.

 

Usually, our instincts are right. Don’t dull out your feeling or emotions. This is serious and marriage is a lifetime. Hope you find some light in this situation.

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