(Closed) Cant ttc until SIL is pregnant…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Wait– you’re supposed to not try to get pregnant because they’ve been trying and want to be first?  It’s very nice of you to be sensitive to the problems they are having, but I don’t know that you all should put off any of your own life decisions/plans because of what they can/cant do. What if they cant for another 5 years? You still wait?? Starting your own family is a very personal and important thing between you and your husband– while it may be best not to tell her you all are “trying”, it is still well perfectly fair/ok for you and your husband to do whats best for you guys….

Post # 34
1809 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@tampalove35:  You can’t make decisions on your family planning based on your SIL’s. What hapens if they never get pregnant?

Post # 35
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

please take this advice from someone who is desperate to have a baby and is dealing with infertility. Do not put off TTC just for your SIL. I have a  brother Who is in a serious relationship with his girlfriend. More than likely due to my medical issues they will have children before Fiance and me…will I be upset…Yes some part of me will be, I feel sad every time I see a pregnant lady or hear a pregnancy announcement but never in my right mind would I even think of telling them that they should/have to wait to have children because I want to be first.my infertility has caused enough grief for Fiance and me I wouldn’t dream of letting my issues impact his life. If and when they do become pregnant weather it’s before or after we have children I will be happy for them and love my niece/nephew to bits. Please do not put your life on hold for someone else…infertility is bad enough for those suffering from it directly. I’d hate to see that grief affecting those who don’t have infertility issues. And who knows there’s every chance it may take awhile for you to conceive as well…life’s to short for what ifs

Post # 36
4394 posts
Honey bee

Yah I agree with all the other PPs. There is no reason for anyone to know you’re trying, and if you get pregnant and she is unable to get over it and be anything but happy and supportive, then that’s on her. Of corse it’s sweet you care about her feelings but you cannot put your life on hold for her feelings. Life is not a competition or a race, and she cannot “call” the first grandchild. 

Post # 37
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You can’t let someone else’s life dictate yours. TTC and don’t worry about it.

Post # 38
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m sorry but you cnnot and should not put your life and plans on hold for her. She may never get pregnant! it is unfair of her to expect this or be anything but ecstatic for you of you get pregnant first. Any grand baby is a blessing whether its the first or fifty first. These are her issues to deal with, not yours to try to deal with for her.

Post # 39
539 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Your SIL may never have a baby. Some people just can’t. Hopefully she and her husband will but you can’t wait for them, who knows how long you will be waiting for. 

Plus how do you know you’ll get pregnant right away? You may have to try for one, three, or five years yourself. If you put off trying just because you are waiting for her you may be missing out on time that you and your husband may want to have.

You may get pregnant before her and that’s okay. This is a hard situation and feelings may be hurt but you can’t put your life on hold.

One of my friends has been trying for quite a while now and another friend just got pregnant accidentally. The one friend was nervous to tell the other, and the other friend was sad because she wans’t pregnant yet. But everyone ended up being perfectly fine. I think it makes my friend who is trying sad whenever she hears that someone is pregnant but she is also happy for them at the same time. It’s a tricky situation.

I hope it works our for you and her! 

Post # 40
1047 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@tampalove35:  I’m in the same boat as your SIL so hopefully I can give you insight…maybe, I’m not as evil as you describle her 😉

I was TTC with my exH for 5 years when his sister got PG. She was a single mom at the time and had started dating a new guy. It was always in the back of my head that she “might” get PG accidently…although I think it was more “planned” as the guy had told her the month before that it was TOO soon for marriage.

Anyways, my biggest fear came true….sure I was upset and in tears when we heard b/c I had just taken a blood PG test the day before (my exH’s bday) hoping to give him some special bday news. I’m soooo glad she didn’t tell us that day. It took a few days to get over it and then this HUGE weight on my shoulders was lifted…I’d been to countless baby showers, coworkers being PG, but my SIL and having to see her all PG was something I didn’t think I could handle. But honestly, it was no where near as bad as I thought it could be. They even gave their son a name I suggested…

Now that I’m remarried, DH and I thought we’d be the ones to have the first grandchildren. His brother was in the process of breaking up with his (single mom) Girlfriend who was VERY VERY toxic. Guess what, she got PG! With twins no less! There has never been an ounce of jealousy on my part….although I can’t speak for DH.

Maybe it’s b/c I’ve been TTC for 10 years and I remember how hard it was the first few years….but I’d be pissed if you were my SIL and actually thinking about NOT TTC b/c of me. It’s your life and one of the lessons that those of us w/infertility problems learn along the way is that A LOT of people you know will get PG before you.  Eventually you have to “accept” that THAT particular facet of their lives is easier for them. GL! 

Post # 41
2195 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

A friend of mine was in a similar situation. Her stepsister on her father’s side had been trying for quite a while with no luck and then my friend became pregnant almost as soon as she came off her contraception – some women are like that. I think she was worried abouiterating at first but then she realised that she couldn’t stop her life just because it wasn’t going right for someone else. Her stepsister conceived just after she did I think. 

I think times like these make me realise all the more that I want to keep any ttc info between myself and my husband when it happens. Just so people surrounding us don’t feel pressured to not try themselves. 

Post # 42
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’ve never understood why people feel like they need to announce they are trying. That’s not aimed at you specifically, OP, but just in general. It just seems like a really personal thing.

Anyway, as sweet as it is that you worry about your SIL, but you and your husband have your own life to lead together. Your SIL might not react well, but hopefully she will have her time of moping and will come around and support you.

Fertility stuff is sensitive. For me, I have endometriosis, which means there’s a chance we’ll never conceive, or at least it will be hard. (Or, it could be easy as pie – who knows? Not the doctors lol) When my SIL announced she was pregnant, I had a moment of envy – not because I wanted to be pregnant right then (I was still a Waiting Bee lol) but I wondered if I would ever have the same experience. I was a bit “off” for about a day, and then got over it – and I’m so thrilled to be an auntie soon!

I would say, if you and your husband end up pregnant and she doesn’t, just be kind about it. There’s nothing wrong with sharing your happy news, but make sure you don’t become “those people” who become unable to talk about anything else. That will only make it harder for SIL and it will strain your relatioship. (In general, people with “conversation blinders” make me so frustrated – why are we talking for 3 hours about 1 thing? Ugh! lol)

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