(Closed) Car vs. Ring. So confused.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@lilmissmintybee:  you’re not wrong to feel your feelings, but it seems that the money wasn’t the only issue for him, perhaps he’s just not quite ready.  I probably would leave it be for a little while and then have an honest discussion with him but don’t accuse him of choosing the car over you, that puts him in a really difficult position. Unless he told you specifically that the only reason he’s waiting is because he is saving, I don’t think it’s fair to make him feel that he has to choose one or the other.

 

good luck 

Post # 4
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@lilmissmintybee:  He has $5k laying around and he hasn’t gotten you a ring?!

 

Is this a project car?  If so the money pit is only beginning…

Post # 6
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@lilmissmintybee:  I would be confused and upset too… the only thing you can do is have a calm, rational chat with him about this.

It sounds like he’s still thinking like a single guy and has his priorities out of whack. Unless he makes a lot of money, you’re probably right… it’s either the car or the ring. Sounds like a fairly typical 23 yr old, though.

I would just say something like “Hey.. I know you have dreamed of owning this car forever, but I was just wondering if we still have the same timeline for getting engaged since $5,000 isn’t cheap”. It’s a reasonable question. If you’re about to spend your lives together, he really should be consulting you on big decisions. Do you live together? If you do, I’d be extra pissed. My SO and I live together, are planning on getting engaged fairly soon, and we consult each other for all major financial decisions.

Post # 7
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@lilmissmintybee:  Yes, I agree with you that would definitely make me feel like our engagement wasnt’ a priority if I were you.

Post # 9
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@lilmissmintybee:  Yeah, I can see how you’re in a bit of an awkward position, but yes, you need to discuss finances.

When you’re married is he just going to go off and drop $5K here, $10K there, etc.? At some point, even if it’s not in the context of the ring vs. car discussion, you will need to decide, as a couple, what to do with that money. I am assuming it’s quite a significant amount if he held off on telling you about it. Is it so much that he’d be thinking pre-nup? That’s a separate issue, though.

If you’re really worried about coming off as a gold digger (which would be a bit silly at this point, surely he knows you love him for him), just drop it into conversation one day.. “So… we still thinking of getting engaged in a year?”. Either he’ll say “Yup” or he will ask why… which opens the door to you saying “well.. you just spent $5K on a car…”.

Post # 11
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@lilmissmintybee:  I am betting then that his decision to get engaged in a year has nothing to do with money.

If he truly does have thousands of dollars in his inheritance, then he could easily be considering buying you a $10K+ ring when the time is right.

Maybe this car is the last thing he will buy when he is single. If you think about it that way, that might help. I am glad to hear he is good with money, though. That is huge in a relationship.

But yes, I would suggest talking money at some point in the future (before you get married!!). Very important.

And yeah, no harm in bringing up the engagement timeline at some point as well, it shouldn’t be an off-limits topic (as long as you’re not nagging).

Post # 12
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee

His priorities are not out of whack.  He is 23.  His priority just doesn’t align with yours right now.  He wants a car before he wants a ring. 

Post # 13
Member
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MsYankee:  +1

 

@lilmissmintybee:  I think his priorities sound pretty par for the course for a 25 year old male: cars and hobbies.

 

He is only 25 years old.  The average 25 year old guy is not ready to get married yet, and they will come up a million delightful excuses and ways out of doing it until they are ready.  I’m not saying he doesnt want to marry you, I’m just saying that it’s not surprising to me that a 25 year old guy isnt ready.  The last guy I dated was 30 (dated till he was 32) and still wasnt ready to get married. My boyfriend is 40 years old and has never been married either.  You need to get it in your head that he may just not be in that arena yet, and potentially may not be for a few years.

 

EDIT: wait, HE’S 23? Oh, then what I said originally definitely stands. 

 

Post # 14
Member
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Sunflower–girl:  +1, exactly.  Sounds like every other 23 year old guy I know….hell, sounds like alot of 30+ guys I know too!

Post # 15
Member
1459 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

Personally I don’t think $5000 is that much to spend on a car? Unless it’s a project type thing. But at the end of the day it’s still his money and he may feel that this is a completely fleeting once in a life time opportunity for him.

 

He’s not necessarily choosing the car over you because he might be treating his money as separate components (i.e. money he aready has = not going towards a ring, but is creating a new “ring fund” pocket of money). Also “ring you deserve” might not mean super duper expensive and needing to save for, he might be wanting to put some thought into it – researching diamonds/cuts/settings. As well as planning some special way to propose (even simple proposals will need some kind of thought and set up to ensure you’re in the right place etc.).

 

I’m not sure how long ago you were talking about engagement and when “under a year” would be. But I think, assuming that the timeline talk was recent, you should at least give him the year to get himself together to propose to you ^^ It’s not the only thing he’ll want to be thinking about in that time :3

 

Anyway, good luck to you and your partner x

Post # 16
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Sunflower–girl:  Yeah, his behavior seems normal to me. He’s told you that he thinks 23/25 is too young to be engaged or married, so he’s doing exactly what he told you – not getting engaged or married.

Also, I think at 23 he should have the right to use his inheritance money however he sees fit. If that means buying a car he has always wanted for $5K, then that’s what it is. If marrige is important to you and you want to get married soon then you might need to move on and find someone else b/c he doesn’t seem to think it’s as important or urgent as you do. It doesn’t make him a bad person, it just means you both have differeent priorities.

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