(Closed) Career vs Love? What would you do? (LONG)

posted 3 years ago in Career
Post # 2
14065 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I have not been through this but my best friend has.  She was long distance with her now husband for 4 years between NY and CA, then Vegas with her flying out there every other week or so – a red eye after work friday night and then a red eye back into the office monday morning.  It was definitely hard on them, but they had careers to establish and their love and relationship survived it until they could be in the same city again and are better off than ever career (and finance wise) due to it.  Then when she did move out to Vegas, she had to commute to Seattle every M-F anyways for another year! 

Post # 3
722 posts
Busy bee

The first step to being able to love another person is being able to love yourself.  You should both be maximizing your careers so that there is no potential for future resentment that will take away from your love.

Honestly, as I was reading your post, I kept thinking about what if circumstances change again in the short-medium term, because they most likely will.  You’re not going to be able to decide on where you will be living for the rest of your life today.  Therefore, I would say that you should each take the best job for you and over time the geographies may very well work themselves out without you having to make a forced decision that isn’t in your own independent best interest.

Make the best choices for each of you and let time sort things out.

Post # 4
4540 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

You really have to do what you think is right in your heart. If I were in your position, I would move to be with him, my priorities tend to lie more in relationships than jobs and I’m not a LTR person, but that’s me. I tend to weight success in happiness, so what is going to make you happy? Is having a job at your company and potentially being apart with your SO for the long term going to make you happier than being with him and getting a job in his city or vice versa? Some people derive a lot of happiness from their job and would be very unhappy compromising their career for a relationship. Others view their career as just a way to make enough money to enjoy their lives outside work. Bottom line, you have to do what makes you happy and what will make you happy in the long term. 

Post # 5
18 posts

Thats a tough decision. I tell myself I won’t move or pick up my life (career, friends, lifestyle) unless I have a ring and a date set but my SO and I have been planning moving across the country since way before marriage was even a thing that went through my mind at all! I guess I think…why pick up and move my life when I don’t know how committed he is to “us” but at the same time I rather be with the love of my life because what we have is hard to find. I’ll be interested in seeing what others say and what you decide! Good luck.

Post # 6
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I would not make any career decision for another person’s benefit without a ring on my finger.  I think until I had that level of commitment, I’d do what was best for myself….

Post # 7
932 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I have been in that position! I chose love. However, my DH (bf at the time), and I were well on a path to forever. We had only been together a short amount of time but I knew where it was heading. I had a great position in my field, and took a 30% pay cut to move to be with him. We are now married, and I dont regret a thing. I often wonder where my career would be if I had chosen to stay where I was, however I wouldnt have him as he is self-employed and cannot relocate.

Picture your life both ways – which one gives you more regrets? That always helps me see which is the right decision for me when I am conflicted.

Post # 8
5455 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2016

Personally, I would choose love. Because I didn’t have the best family life growing up, I really value having my husband and starting our family, over my career. We graduate in May and our lives are such up in the air right now and we have no idea where we will be this time next year. We got engaged a month ago, but we have discussed moving across country for years and I was willing to go even without a ring. But it sounds like you will be getting a ring soon anyways. You honestly just have to do what you feel is right in your heart! 

Post # 9
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

CaliKhaleesi:  I chose love but I also got lucky and was given a transfer. Like you I was open to other opportunities and I knew that this guy was worth everything. We met NYE and he did tell me going into it that he would most likely have to move the following year. I hated most guys I met so I figured I’d find something that was a deal breaker (sounds horrible I know). So we decided together the ranking of his list for residency and you have no idea which place will pick you so you may get your first choice or you may get your 6th choice. It’s literally opening an envelope and finding out where you spend the next three years.  So we found out this last march where we had to move to in June. I did decide going into it what I was okay with and what I could regret. My background- I did active duty Air Force for 6 years and moved back home in 2010. I started working with the social security administration and bought my house in 2011. It was an awesome house and not something that I looked at as a starter house. initially I had decided I would move but that there was no way I would sell my house since the new location was four hours away. I did end up coming around once I realized I would still pay out of pocket with renters and I found out the market was better. I got lucky and had a 20k profit when I sold within 3 years. he did propose the week after we found out where we would live. That did make things easier- even though I knew what I wanted to do, my coworkers were definitely judging it which was annoying. transfers take awhile and we actually ended up moving everything before my transfer was approved. that was stressful but it worked out. What will help the most will be to talk about things with him. if your city is somewhere he likes maybe he wants to leave the longer hours and accept less pay to get back there. Maybe you both love the idea of being somewhere new. Maybe neither of you cares much about your job and you can flip a coin to see where you end up. The only way you will feel 100% in any decision is if you make it together after you say your honest concerns regarding the situation. Changes aren’t necessarily sacrifices. 

Post # 12
14065 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I don’t think it’s a bad sign. He needs to stay a longer to do what’s best for his career right now, and you need to stay where you are for yours.  And if he really loves your city and wants to go back eventually, why should you leave it and potentially hurt your career.  I think he’s just being logical and maybe it’s easier for him to take some short term distance and pain of being apart knowing how much better it will be for your futures to have both your careers in line.

Post # 13
1 posts
  • Wedding: December 2014

It totally depends that how both of you are committed to each other. I also did my MBA from st patricks and I had a great opportunity in front of me but I just let it go for my husband because we both are commited to each other.

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