Post # 1
I’ve never been one to go online and ask but at this point I need more then just my circles opinion.
OK so me and my fiance have been together 2+ years. Our relationship didn’t start off great not because of us but because of all the negative people surrounding it. We’ve deff moved past it but now I have a major problem. So the run down we both each have a child from our previous relationship so we have become well trying to become a blended family. Recently I over heard a conversation with my man and his mother. He was telling her about my daughter and everything thats going on in full detail. Now me and his mother had a close relationship at one point but things slowly changed. Now I don’t mind him venting to his mom about issues we have but I don’t think it was right for him to tell her something going on with my child like everything in full detail, I don’t tell her everything because I feel that some things should be kept within the relationship and not be spread to outside the home. It’s like you can share but to an extent. So ok he went and blabbed his mouth I’m upset about it yes but not as much as I am when I heard what she said about me and my daughter. She went on telling him that my daughter is a little bitch, witch if she was her child she would slap the f out if her, that she’s going to be one of those girls who come home at an early age saying she’s pregnant. Along with telling him I’m ignorant, I’m a home wrecker, that if I can’t handle my child how can I handle having another one, to not dare have children with me. Now with all that being said I cried my eyes out not because of what she said because thats her opinion but because 1 your supposed to be someone close to me and 2 how dare my future husband not stand up for me or even say this conversation is out of line or something. I feel like he let her trash me and my daughter and he did nothing and said nothing. Now in the beginning of our relationship we had the same problem with his ex doing the same but that’s over because she finally moved on. The ex is another issue, I don’t have problems with her but in the past she broke up the relationship between my fiance and his mom 100% for the same reasons and now it’s happening again. They just rekindled mom and son relationship when me and him got together, in the beginning he was hesitant to really let go and get close with his mom but I pushed it, I would tell him call her, how is she, mind you at that time I spoke to her every day so I knew what was going on. I feel like he should have a relationship with his family I’m big on that but I also feel that our relationship is turning to shit because she has so much input in our lives. His ex family bashed him for the 10 years they were together now my family is 100% accepting of him but now I’m the one dealing with all the negative bashing and talking bad about my daughter. I’ve told him it’s wrong and if he felt he wanted to share then he should have spoken to me about it not go behind my back and tell her person things going on in our home. He totally doesn’t understand he went off about how I’m wrong, that’s his mother and he tell her everything and I don’t like it too bad. Then dramatically to the point where he tells me I don’t respect for myself or my child that I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life. Some background, I’m a single mom trying to go back to school working full time on a week by week schedule so my hrs are never steady. I’ve asked about getting a set schedule but the won’t offer me one. I’ve been looking for jobs but nothing has come up this he knows, I also have to have surgery on my shoulder next month because a garbage truck ran into my car. So with life throwing me lemons and me trying to deal this is what I get in return from him. No respect what’s so ever and I’m so hurt I’ve been crying for days, took off my ring I don’t even want to be in the house with him. He told me of I didn’t want to be there to just go I told him instead of working out this problem you want to continue bashing me so then what’s the point. Anyway am I wrong for telling him that my personal issues that I confide in him with shouldn’t be spread to his mom?
Any in put is greatly appreciated
Post # 2
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
You don’t have a Mother-In-Law problem, you have an Fiance problem. If he told you he tells his mom everything, believe him – he won’t change. Take your child and leave (or kick him out if it’s your house).
Post # 3
I’m sorry this is happening. History shows you he will side with his mother. He told you that he will tell his mother anything, end of story. He did not stand up for you or your daughter, who would be his own daughter if you married. He is not showing respect for you or your daughter, as a husband and father should.
If he does not understand how offensive and upsetting this is for you, he will not work with you as a partner, in your marriage. In your relationship now, and in your marriage, you build and establish boundaries with others. If there are no boundaries now, getting married will not change anything.
I would not stay in this relationship, but I understand it is not so easy to just up and leave, it is not just you, it’s you and your daughter. Good luck to you.
Post # 4
He has no respect for you. You cannot have a marriage or family with someone who does not respect you. Time to move on!
Post # 5
So he’s not allowed to talk to his mother, who you were supposedly close with, about family related issues, but you’re allowed to talk about your issues with him to strangers on the internet? That’s an odd double standard…
Post # 6
I totally respect your opinion but I never said he wasn’t allowed to talk to I his mom about personal issues, I was the one who helped bring there relationship together after years of not talking I was the one who pushed him to build a relationship with her being that 8 am a family person. My point is that there are some things in the relationship as a family that are discussed between us that I personally don’t share with her or my own mother for that matter that he took the need to go and tell her without talking to me about it. It’s like you don’t tell everyone your business you tell them the bear minimum and he went and told her something in confidence that I told him as a partner in our relationship and he went an told her and the response I got not from him but from her was beyond disrespectful. How could you let the one you plan on having a life with considering a blended family and let someone degrade the one you plan on building a future with. Like you don’t have to defend me but if the conversation was going bad that she was disrespecting me and my daughter you should have ended it.
Post # 7
I think your FI’s mum was perfectly horrible regarding your little girl and I would be seriously mama bear about that !!
He is clearly in the habit of oversharing with his mother and that is going to be a hard habit to break . Personally I would start with the stuff about your daughter as that seems to me the worst . Did he tell you the actual words?
When you said “you don’t have to defend me but if the conversation was going bad that she was disrespecting me and my daughter you should have ended it”
what did he say ?
I think I would try for a serious conversation in which you point out that you have done some pretty good fence mending in the past on his behalf and you expect some reciprocation. Ask what loyalty means to him and would he have accepted the things his mother said from anyone else? And would he accept you saying similarly insulting things about his mother/children ?
Point out that you don’t share everything with your mother, and see if you can make him see the parallels . He may need actual specific instances of what you don’t want him to say – men can be such literal creatures lol!
PS , paragraphs dear OP, paragraphs . Its so hard to read solid slabs of text.
Post # 8
thank you for your input. I’m sorry about rambling in improper form lol. I definitely tried to make him understand me by telling him to put himself in my shoes but all I got in return was a bigger fight. He says everyone has an opinion and it shouldn’t matter what his mom thinks. Trying to explain myself and how I feel he tells me I’m dramatic and looking to make something small into an all out war etc… Even got “well she’s my mom I tell her everything and if I don’t like it too bad”.. It’s like almost impossible for him to try to understand how I feel no matter how I try to put it to him and I know for a fact he’s talking to her about what’s going on now. I’m pretty sure the advice is to walk away from me to create peace in his life… She’s all about her kids happiness and I get it but it’s like every problem faced has to deal with walking away to create peace in your life.. So from my understanding as per how she “creates peace” everytime you face a problem just walk away so if that’s what you do then how do you have a relationship?
Post # 9
Woah, his mum said all that and he didn’t defend you or your child, then when you got upset said you didn’t know what you were doing with your life, had no respect for yourself or your daughter, and if you didn’t like it you could leave?? Girl this is not a good relationship or a caring man. Get out of there!
Post # 10
My fiancé is a really stoic person and doesn’t always understand the things I, on the sensitive side of normal, get upset about. Nonetheless, every time I mention something that bothers me, even if it’s something he did, he will listen, validate my feelings and try to change the situation. It feels weird, in a way, because my parents react much more like your fiancé in that they minimize my feelings, call me overly dramatic etc. Has your life so far been similar?
This man is supposed to be your partner in life. Are you really okay with him not taking your valid (and sometimes invalid) concerns seriously?
Sure, his mother is his mother, but that doesn’t mean she gets away with everything. You are his top priority now because you will be his core family. This isn’t an issue of “do we invite my slightly overbearing mother for Christmas?”, this is his mother verbally abusing a CHILD. YOUR CHILD. HIS future CHILD. I don’t even have any children yet, but if I witnessed my mother talking like that about any child, I’d be telling her to cut it out.
Maybe you don’t mind how he treats YOU, but do you want this to be the example set for your DAUGHTER?
Post # 11
Ick! I’ve had to deal with a falsely emotionally naive oversharer in the past. He just told his best friend and mother about every fight we had because that was “his way to cope”. Problem was, nothing ever remained private, and through a combination of his lack of specifying his wrongdoings in these arguments and not sticking up for me or setting his family straight, I became the bad guy in a failing and miserable relationship that, at the time, I hoped might be “fixed”. I was never perfect, but I was depressed and in a relationship with a cowardly, cheating abuser whom put me on display for everyone in his life to criticize and blame, and that situation didn’t even start this neatly. He never gave me an “And if you don’t like it…”
Trust me when I say this will never get better, but it’ll probably get worse. He won’t just find a reason to respect you under the sofa cushions while cleaning one day. He’s caught up in a nasty cycle of dependency, wherein the amount of personal information and disrespect he’s allowed his family to have has set a precedent he’ll have to become suddenly very assertive to break, which means opening himself up to the same criticism and treatment he allows her to show you. He won’t, because his mother now has the upper hand, in their relationship and in yours. He’s a dog on his back, and he’ll keep throwing you and your child under the bus as long as it seems to please her.