(Closed) Case of the mother in law please help!

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2751 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

You don’t have a Mother-In-Law problem, you have an Fiance problem.  If he told you he tells his mom everything, believe him – he won’t change. Take your child and leave (or kick him out if it’s your house). 

Post # 3
Member
580 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry this is happening. History shows you he will side with his mother. He told you that he will tell his mother anything, end of story. He did not stand up for you or your daughter, who would be his own daughter if you married. He is not showing respect for you or your daughter, as a husband and father should.

If he does not understand how offensive and upsetting this is for you, he will not work with you as a partner, in your marriage. In your relationship now, and in your marriage, you build and establish boundaries with others. If there are no boundaries now, getting married will not change anything.

I would not stay in this relationship, but I understand it is not so easy to just up and leave, it is not just you, it’s you and your daughter. Good luck to you.

Post # 4
Member
10563 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He has no respect for you. You cannot have a marriage or family with someone who does not respect you. Time to move on!

Post # 5
Member
711 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

So he’s not allowed to talk to his mother, who you were supposedly close with, about family related issues, but you’re allowed to talk about your issues with him to strangers on the internet? That’s an odd double standard…

Post # 7
Member
9703 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
sjgrajales14 :  

I think your FI’s mum was perfectly horrible regarding your little girl and I would be seriously mama bear about that !!

He is clearly in the habit of oversharing with his mother and that is going to be a hard habit  to  break . Personally  I would start with the stuff about your daughter as that  seems to me the worst . Did he tell you the actual words? 

When you said “you don’t have to defend me but if the conversation was going bad that she was disrespecting me and my daughter you should have ended it”

what did he say ?

I think I would try for  a serious conversation in  which  you point out that  you have done some pretty good fence mending in the  past on his behalf and you expect some reciprocation. Ask what loyalty means to  him and would he have accepted the things his mother said  from  anyone else? And would he accept you saying similarly  insulting things about his mother/children ?  

Point out that you don’t share everything with your mother, and see if you can  make him see the  parallels . He may need  actual specific  instances of what you don’t want him to say – men can be such literal creatures  lol!

PS , paragraphs dear OP, paragraphs . Its so hard to read solid  slabs of text.

 

 

Post # 9
Member
3829 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Woah, his mum said all that and he didn’t defend you or your child, then when you got upset said you didn’t know what you were doing with your life, had no respect for yourself or your daughter, and if you didn’t like it you could leave?? Girl this is not a good relationship or a caring man. Get out of there!

Post # 10
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

My fiancé is a really stoic person and doesn’t always understand the things I, on the sensitive side of normal, get upset about. Nonetheless, every time I mention something that bothers me, even if it’s something he did, he will listen, validate my feelings and try to change the situation. It feels weird, in a way, because my parents react much more like your fiancé in that they minimize my feelings, call me overly dramatic etc. Has your life so far been similar?

This man is supposed to be your partner in life. Are you really okay with him not taking your valid (and sometimes invalid) concerns seriously?

Sure, his mother is his mother, but that doesn’t mean she gets away with everything. You are his top priority now because you will be his core family. This isn’t an issue of “do we invite my slightly overbearing mother for Christmas?”, this is his mother verbally abusing a CHILD. YOUR CHILD. HIS future CHILD. I don’t even have any children yet, but if I witnessed my mother talking like that about any child, I’d be telling her to cut it out.

Maybe you don’t mind how he treats YOU, but do you want this to be the example set for your DAUGHTER?

Post # 11
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Ick! I’ve had to deal with a falsely emotionally naive oversharer in the past. He just told his best friend and mother about every fight we had because that was “his way to cope”. Problem was, nothing ever remained private, and through a combination of his lack of specifying his wrongdoings in these arguments and not sticking up for me or setting his family straight, I became the bad guy in a failing and miserable relationship that, at the time, I hoped might be “fixed”. I was never perfect, but I was depressed and in a relationship with a cowardly, cheating abuser whom put me on display for everyone in his life to criticize and blame, and that situation didn’t even start this neatly. He never gave me an “And if you don’t like it…” 

Trust me when I say this will never get better, but it’ll probably get worse. He won’t just find a reason to respect you under the sofa cushions while cleaning one day. He’s caught up in a nasty cycle of dependency, wherein the amount of personal information and disrespect he’s allowed his family to have has set a precedent he’ll have to become suddenly very assertive to break, which means opening himself up to the same criticism and treatment he allows her to show you. He won’t, because his mother now has the upper hand, in their relationship and in yours. He’s a dog on his back, and he’ll keep throwing you and your child under the bus as long as it seems to please her. 

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