(Closed) Catching FI in little white lies – should I be concerned?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

Sometimes charges don’t show up for a couple of days. If it is pending, it could be from a couple of days ago.

As far as the other stuff, maybe just have a sit down with him to go over the budget, just to make sure you are both on the same track. If he doesn’t want to discuss finances, I see that as a problem that you two will have to come to terms with.

Post # 4
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

First I should start with snooping is wrong (I’ve been guilty of snooping too so I can relate) but I just had to say that first, hah.

If it were me, I would be concerned. I think a lie is a lie, no matter how big or small. It’s such an obscure thing to lie about and super weird he makes up little stories to go with the lies. I would be concerned about it. I don’t know how you could bring it up without admitting that you were snooping. Maybe you could have some kind of open conversation about trust and your issues (non-specific) and try to get him to understand how important an open and honest relationship is to you.

I’ve told my fiance that if he ever lies to me about anything (unless it’s like an awesome surprise) then he’s going to majorily compromise my trust. We’re both completely open with each other (joint bank accounts) and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Post # 5
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

wow…I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!

 

My SO does the same damn thing!  And I have nooooooooooooo idea why he lies over some of the stupidest things! Like if there was an accident with two cars, he’ll tell me there were 5 or whatever.  It has made it hard for me to trust him sometimes.  But what I dont get is why he would snoop through MY things!  I’ve caught him on several accounts snooping through my cell phone, yahoo mail acct and when I use to have a myspace.  I just dont get it.  Not that I have anything to hide, I just feel like we still need to have some private things.

 

But I hear ya girl.  At one point I thought it was going to be a deal breaker too.  WE been together for 4 years now too.  He has def improved because I would bring it up to him.  I think it is important that you bring it up to him as well.  Esp this, this is something that can def lead to some bad endings down the road.

Post # 6
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

My Fiance would lie about stuff because he didn’t want to upset me – of course, the lie itself would always upset me more than the actual thing he was hiding, and I patiently explained that over and over until he got it. So it is possible to change (my Fiance never lies anymore).

Now the tricky part is calling him out on it. Obviously you can’t tell him you looked at his bank statements. However, maybe you can have a general discussion about bank statements and agree that you are both allowed to look at each others’ whenever you want. If you’ve discussed it,  I don’t think this is snooping and/or unhealthy unless you badger him about every little purchase (which it doesn’t sound like you would do). The idea is that you CAN look any time you want, not that you necessarily will. 

I think if he knows you could be looking at the statements, he’ll hopefully phase out the lies. And if he doesn’t, you’re allowed to point out the lies. 

Post # 7
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Because I know how my Fi operates (and this is what he’d do), I’m just throwing this out there:

He probably knows you’re looking at bank statements, he did afterall, say that was next, right?  Is it possible he’s actually testing you on these things to see if you come clean on your snooping?  There’s tons of ways to check if someone’s been on your account – browser history – you might disconnect him when he’s logged in -you accidently have let it slip before.

Best of luck- I doubt this is anything serious, but if you’re that worried- why not fess up and see what he says?  You’re marrying him, there should be no holds on topics. 

Post # 8
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

That is such a difficult position to be in. No good can come from snooping, which you already know is bad blah blah blah, you probably wouldn’t do if he hadn’t already given you reason to. Anyway, the lies are the bigger problem. My Fiance and I have some trust issues, and it was enough for us to move the wedding back a year, so I can empathize. It worries me on a few levels — lying, in and of itself, is problematic; why won’t he share the information with you? There is no excuse, especially because they are such innocuous purchases. If he’d lie about breakfast, what else could or would he lie about? You say you don’t think he is lying about anything else, but your parenthetical addition belies your true feelings, and I don’t blame you. Trust is trust. The second level this bothers me on is that it is about money; it is so hugely important to be on the same page or at least open with each other as a couple on this topic because, especially after you’re married, it affects you both. I am sorry you are dealing with this; good luck, and keep us posted.

Post # 9
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Hmmmm… my ex also had some weird issues w/ little white lies.  I would catch him in them all the time, and he did the same exact thing w/ his mom.  Mostly, he would say he had done things when he actually hadn’t.  I think he was basically saying the things that he thought others wanted to hear.  The problem was, I was a bit more savy than his mom, and I totally caught on when he was lying.  I’m not going to say that his lying ended our relationship, b/c we had a lot of other things that just weren’t right in our relationship, but it was definitely a part of it.  The lying definitely made me nervous, and you have a right to say it makes you nervous too.   The thing is, this might be something that he’s not even aware that he’s doing, in which case he should probably get some therapy.  I hope you find a solution to this.  Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

well, speaking from personal experience, not to scare you girls, but my ex husband used to do that all the time. It drove me crazy and I never know whether to take his word or not, it got to the point where I had to verify EVERYTHING that he says before I pass on the information. As it turned out, his lies got bigger and bigger and he ended up left me for another woman, after lies upon lies about where he had been, what did he do and all that. That is why this time around, I wanted a guy that won’t lie…. even if it gets him in trouble. (Unless he is joking of course) I am not saying that it will happen, but it just brought back memories and I thought I would share.

Post # 12
Member
21 posts
Newbee

I’m not condoning what he’s doing b/c lying is wrong.  However, could he have been afraid to tell you?  I mean, have you yelled/gotten upset with him about the wedding budget, or how much he’s spending in other areas?  Also, could he have been in a relationship where he was verbally attacked everytime he purchased something little?  Perhaps he feels guilty for going out to eat, buying small things. 

By the way, snooping isn’t good.  You need to talk to him about your trust issues before you get married, perhaps in front of a neutral party (therapist).  You know he has been lying to you, and you need to find out why.

My suggestion is to approah him like this: “Fiance, I was going through some bank statements, and I noticed that there are some inadequancies.  I noticed these purchases, and I wanted to double check with you if you really did pay for them.  I know you said that you didn’t but it says that you did.” and then let him proceed from there.

Post # 13
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

My bf does this ALL the time.  I’ve started calling him out on them.  I know you can’t do it with the bank statements, but if it happens for anything else that you could call him out on, then do so.  Oh, and snooping is no good. 🙂

Post # 14
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think there could be something to what you’re saying on the insecurity/stories to make him sound cool thing. I mean if you REALLY think this is the only thing he’s lying about then it is annoying but is it really a deal breaker? This is the kind of stuff that someone would definitely lie about to be all puffed up like “yea they hooked me up” or “wow i had such a cool morning” etc. 

My fi does something kind of similar that bugs me— not lying but he exaggerates in really stupid/obvious ways. And then he STICKS TO IT. And I’ll call him out on it and that just makes him stick more. I can’t think of an example off the top of my head but they are OBVIOUS exaggerations. It is annoying but i feel like its just a guy/macho thing. Meh– not a deal breaker for me. 

Post # 15
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Corgitales……..I COMPLETELY understand what you’re talking about.

 

However, while he does like to STICK with his little exaggeration, he some how turns it around on me??  Starts getting mad at me for accusing him of lying.  WTF?

Post # 16
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hey there!  I was just reading the post and the responses, and I just wanted to point one thing out that no one had mentioned yet.

One of the biggest and most common reasons for a divorce is over money.  It sounds like based on your what are saying, your Fiance tells white lies about money regularly.  Depending on how you plan on organizing your finances after you marry, this would be the best time to evaluate his behavior.

There are many reasons why a man might lie about money – many feel ashamed of their potential, of the disparity between themselves and their Fiance, the desire to be the “man” and the provider, etc.  However, whatever the reason, lying about finances almost invariably leads to fighting, and possibly, divorce.

This really needs to be addressed before you two commit for life.  You don’t want this to escalate into him trying to hide bigger financial situations from you.  I know it’s hard, but it’s better to deal with it now, when you’re still financially independent from him, then when you find out that you can’t pay your mortgage because he spent all your savings(worst case scenario, of course).

Also, you mentioned you have access to the online bank statements.  Did he give you the access or did you “snoop” it?  If he gave it to you, then in some way, he gave you permission to look. If he tries to use that on you while trying to defend himself, I would bring that up to diffuse the situation. 

Good luck, and I hope things work out the way it should.  Keep us updated!

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