(Closed) Catching FI in little white lies – should I be concerned?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1045 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2008

Hi snooper123!  You say you’ve told him how important it is for him to be honest with you, and that lying would be a deal-breaker for you, but don’t you think you’re being completely dishonest and lying to him by sneaking and snooping into his bank statement, when he’s already shown that he would be uncomfortable with that?  You write that you know that this would make him livid and feel violated to no end and completely disrespected, yet you’re still doing it (and it seems like this is more than a one time thing).  Why the double standard?  You’re allowed to be dishonest, and he’s not?

I just think you need to come clean with him, and accept the consequences.  If you need every aspect of his life to be an open book to you in order to feel secure about the relationship, due to the issues from your past, you’re going to have to go through the uncomfortable discussions to get it that way, you know?  Do you think you’ll be able to find a way to explain it to him in a way that doesn’t make him feel attacked or untrusted?  I know if my husband went behind my back and checked up on my spending and phone records, it would make me question his trust in me and committment to me.  However, if he explained that he was compelled to do it because of insecurity stemming from painful past experiences, I would talk things through with him to make sure he got what he needed to feel safe, without me feeling violated.

Post # 18
Member
524 posts
Busy bee

like someone else posted above, this really sounds to me like he is testing you… checking to see if you are snooping at his bank account by seeing if you point out irregularities. I think you should both go to couples counselling to try and work this out because there is obviously more than one issue at place here – good luck with everything, I hope you work it out

Post # 19
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I think he may be onto you and trying to bait you to come clean. When I log into my bank account, it tells me the last time I logged in in the upper conrner. Does he know you have his password? If he gave it to you, don’t you think he may suspect you are checking on him? As much as you don’t want him to know you were snooping, I don’T think you can get to the bottom of this unless you fess up.

Post # 20
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’d be concerned on many levels. Not only the fact that you feel the need to snoop (no matter what happened in the past or how you feel, you’re violating his space), but also the fact that he does little wihte lies ofteN (not even an exaggeration of something….but seriously lying to you). Little white lies add up. Where does it stop? And, if he IS testing you, then he obviously doesn’t trust you, either.

I think there’s a lot going on and it all throws up a red flag to me. And I thnk you should be the bigger person and admit that you snooped. He’s going to be livid, but what you did was wrong. Not that two wrongs make a right, but it starts somewhere.

Post # 21
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

Do you all have money problems? To me, this woulnd’t be a deal breaker, if you love him don’t let something like this get in the way. What he is lying about isn’t somthing that would hurt you if you found out. Yes, he is spending behind your back wether you care or not but you are snooping behind his. You all should be able to look at each others things and be able to check phones and bank statements BUT hiding it makes it wrong. You all are both telling “white lies”. Really, you do need to talk to him if it is bothering you and deffinatly if this is a deal breaker for you. Im not sure how, but I would quit snooping and just wait for another lie to come up that doesn’t require snooping (like the recipt). If it happens all the time, then you will get another change. But keep in mind that everyone tells white lies and white lies are to keep from hurting someone not to hurt someone – well at least thats how I view them. Good luck with everything!

Post # 22
Member
1937 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Trust is a two way street – you are questioning if you can trust him based on these white lies, but from his perspective, how can he trust you if you go through his personal things that he didn’t give you permission to (calls/texts/bank account)?  (From my perspective, if he had given you permission to look at his bank account, you probably wouldn’t feel like you’re snooping).  

 

Just as you say that this could be a deal breaker (the lies – and really the lack of trust), it potentially could be that way for him too.  What if he feels that he can’t trust you based on your previous actions?  

 

I really would suggest meeting with someone – counselor, religious leader, whomever to try to get to the bottom of this.  The issue isn’t what you found in the bank account, it’s the fact that you guys don’t trust each other.

Post # 23
Member
3525 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

The part that confuses me is that you said that you have access to all his accounts. So if he doesn’t want you looking at the accounts why do you have access?

Post # 24
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union

Well first, stop going through his things. You’ve lost a lot of footing there. Second, since you guys are trying to budget together, just suggest setting up a Mint.com account. If you are getting married, I do think you have an absolute right to know about his financial situation. But you shouldn’t go behind his back to find out.

I had a roommate in college who told white lies about everything. It’s how he had such hilarious stories and was purely a habit. Acquaintances didn’t know they were being lied to, but eventually me and the other roommates realized he was just lying constantly, which gets exhausting. Your fiance may just be a habitual liar — lying about insignificant things to make it seem more interesting. The story about the water being spilled: that would be a pretty ordinary story about eating breakfast, but he spiced it up. It was entirely pointless but it raises the question as to why he feels the need to spice up stories for you, his fiance.

 

Post # 25
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

I would say you are both equally violating trust here.  His “white lies” you describe don’t seem like that big of a deal – 3 pretty small things over a few year that could possibly have reasonable explanations?? And since you found out about them dishonestly, you have no idea what the real story is.  I think you might want to clear the air and then ask him to change his passwords so you can’t snoop – kind of like taking the cigarettes away from a smoker.    But you should not start this conversation by focusing on him because I really think what you have done is understandable – curiosity is hard to handle! –  but equally dishonest.

Post # 26
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

What were his spending habits like in the past before you met him?  Meaning, did he at one point in his life feel like he needed to hide purchases he made (even if they were small ones) because of a financial situation?  I ask only because I know someone who does this ALL THE TIME.  And it was because she at one point in her life was spending money so exorbitantly that she would lie about the actual cost or where she got it and whatnot to avoid judgement.  While she ended up getting her life back on track, some of these habits still continue to plague her (like…she’ll say she got a pair of Jimmy Choos at Marshalls or something ridic like that!)  Lying is not right by any stretch of the imagination, but sometimes people who were once ‘trained’ that being honest about some of the more benign things lead to being reprimanded will revert to doing it.  Especially since he knows you guys are trying to save for the wedding…just a thought.

The snooping thing…it’s never a good idea, but I can say I was guilty of it early on in my relationship with now Fiance.

Post # 27
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

It doesn’t sound to me like he is doing it to bait you. It sounds to me like he is a compulsive liar.

http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/confront_a_liar/public/compulsive_lying.html

It’s really common, and I had a best friend in high school with this problem. She just had to exaggerate things and make up stuff for NO REASON. And if she got caught in a lie, she was incapable of admitting it. I think that in her head, the lie had already become real. It was always harmless things, like referring to the “party” she went to last night (3 people playing board games) and telling stories about her awesome uncle (who we later found out was a washed up loser). Eventually, a lot of our mutual friends couldn’t take it anymore and distanced themselves from her. 🙁

Post # 28
Member
6571 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

my ex used to tell me little white lies. he thought it was ok because it was little, but my answer to that was always, if i can’t believe the little stuff, why am i ever going to believe the big stuff?

in the end (for us), he provoked me to do some snooping as well. after 7 1/2 years of him telling little white lies, he told me that he was taking his finals for college soon. we were in a ldr, and daily i would ask him how school was, and he would answer. he would tell me his grades, how his teachers were, etc. but when he said he was taking his finals, i realized that all my friends that were still in school were finished with finals months ago! so i went onto his school website, and sure enough, school had been out for awhile. he had been lying to my face, and was not in school, and didn’t even do the research to lie good! so that was it, we were done. i shouldn’t have stayed that long with someone who was lying to me at all, ever, and my husband has never lied to me once. i don’t have to worry about it, we have no trust issues, and life is good.

that’s not to say that my situation is the same as yours. everybody is different, every situation is different. but i still don’t believe people deserve to be lied to. and i agree with you, it should be a deal breaker.

Post # 29
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I just read your post but didn’t read all the responses (sorry, didn’t have much time!) but anyway, maybe he just feels guilty spending money on things for himself if he sees your a “saver” or you are dilligently (sp?) saving for the wedding?  I know some woman are notorious for telling their spouse/signifcant other “oh I got this shirt on sale” or “I got SUCH a good deal, I couldn’t pass it up!”  I sometimes use this excuse with my fiance even though #1 it was a really expensive shirt and #2 we have seperate bank accounts and I could afford it anyway.  I just don’t want to be hassled for buying needless things sometimes!  Even if you don’t hassle him, maybe he just wants to “throw it out there” that he is good with money too!

 

 

Post # 30
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I just wanted to throw in my boyfriend DOES THE SAME THING!  It’s so annoying, but he does it with food.  I want him to lose some weight and be healthy, so he lies about what he eats.  Recently he lied about “not having anything to eat all day” and I found a receipt from a fast food joint right square on his desk. 

I think he’s just embarassed so he doesn’t tell me.  I have called him out on it. 

Post # 31
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I do not think snooping is wrong especially if you have suspicions. My Fiance and do not lie to each other whatsoever we both hate liars white lies or not we’re too old for that.  You Fiance is hiding the truth for a reason maybe so you wont get mad at him or its something hes not suppose to be doing and or maybe he is just a compulsive liar. Just remember a lie is a lie is a lie..

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