(Closed) Catching FI in little white lies – should I be concerned?

posted 12 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
6586 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

All lies are bad of course.  But I always wonder about people who lie about little things that soooo don’t even need to be lied about.  Like, why would he even need to lie about buying breakfast?  What’s the point?  It would be troublesome to me.

Post # 33
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

It sounds to me like compulsive lying, or, maybe he’s sensitive about money issues and doesn’t want to make you think that he’s spending money?

Post # 34
1404 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

financial issues are the biggest problem for married couples and it sounds like you two already have some on your hands.  He is lying about money.  Even if it is something little it’s not good to lie.  If this continues he could end up buying something really expensive and lie to you about that.  I say you two sit down and have a talk about how to combine your finances.  Open a joint account right now.  And then each of you open a separate account too.  Put your paychecks in the joint account and then evey pay period take a little bit out of the joint account and put it into each of your separate accounts.  Use those separate accounts for things like shopping trips or breakfast with friends.  Use the joint account for all expenses together – rent, utilities, dates, etc.

Then if he does have any surprise charges it will either be with his account and his money (so that’s his problem) or it will be in your joint account which you have every right to see and you can then address the issue.

Post # 35
1354 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I have two thoughts about this.

First, I agree with some other Bees that it sounds more like lies that make himself or other people look cooler/more generous. I have to admit that I am one of those people who tends to exagerate the good qualities of an occassion or person. It is really pointless, and I had to make a conscious effort to stop. My guess, based on these examples, is that he is the same way, and I have to say it is something I stopped because it was dumb, and I’m not sure I would have if called out. I probably just would have been mortified.

Second, if your concern is mostly about the money, like if you guys are tight on funds, I totally think you should take it from that angle. In a committed relationship, money is no longer a totally personal concern, and you deserve to be able to work with him to have a budget you can both live with.

If it is more the lies, and they really are just things to pump himself or others up, you may just have to consider this one of his odd foibles. He isn’t so much hiding things from you, in my experience, as stroking his own ego.

Post # 36
31 posts
  • Wedding: May 2009

There could also be a really simple explantation for the charge showing up eventhough he said someone else paid for him to make up for spilling water on his lap … if he had already paid for his breakfast the guy could have simply placed down $10 on the table to cover the meal instead of having to go through the hassle of reversing the charges on his credit card or whatever – its clear there are WAY bigger issues in your relationship if you are snooping – sometimes in our subconscious we try to find things to justify our feelings – you two need to talk and have a trust conversation.  These little things really do not seem to egregious so there must be more to your feelings…

Post # 37
767 posts
Busy bee

It would upset me a ton that my Fiance felt comfortable lying to me.  It would be super diffficult for me to lie to him so the idea that it is easy for him – I think that’s dangerous it would make me feel unsafe.  Yes it is little things – but it is still a comfort with lies.  🙁

Post # 38
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Wait, but you haven’t confirmed that these things were all lies, right? He could have bought something ELSE and his friend gave him those two shirts. Also, the Bfast could have been reversed, or he could have bought a few bottles of water to-go or something.

But you clearly have a reason to suspect that he was not being honest. I don’t think it sounds GOOD off the bat, b/c of the obvious: small lies could lead to big ones eventually, but maybe he is just ashamed and trying to impress you. But either way there should be no lies at all.

I know you don’t want to, but I vote for outing him an demanding an explanation. If he knows that he’s getting caught, he either has to fess up and tell the truth or know that he can’t be with you and lie. Worst case scenario obviously you two break up, but if that’s what he chooses then probably better off that way.

I once found a ‘girls’ hat in our closet (the kind that’s wool and floppy but has a small brim) and approached Fiance right away. Turns out, it was his friends (male) hat and he even had proof of his friend wearing it in old pictures, he had left iti at our apartment while I was away and the two of them were watching football. I felt like an idiot, but so glad I approached him and didn’t let it fester.

Post # 39
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

My first instinct in reading your story was that he wasn’t lying about money, he was lying about how people treat him.  Then I read the other posters and I totally agree — his lies all make other people look more generous to him, and consequently, they make HIM look more valued by people and cooler.  It sounds like a bit of emotional insecurity, and it’s probably something he has done for a long time and maybe doesn’t even realize as he’s doing it.  While it’s not ok to lie, even about the small stuff, his lies are a little bit sad because they’re obviously about building himself up and making his life seem more interesting.  Maybe he’s telling you what he WISH happened, or what he thinks should have happened. 

Honestly? I think snooping is worse than the lies he’s telling.  It seems like his lies stem from some emotional insecurity & habit that’s totally internal, but the snooping stems from distrust and relationship issues. 

One thing, too, about snooping is that you *think* you know what happened, but you can’t ask him about it for clarification. 

Post # 41
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Well, I am guilty of exaggerating everything. The time it took me to get somewhere, how much something cost, etc. Fiance knows it! He’s always like “Really Modern? I don’t think your drycleaning bill was really $300 ;)”

So maybe your Fiance just exaggerates the other way sometimes? Also, I think most people ’round down’ when they say how much something cost them. Because there’s a certain respect that goes along with getting good deals. And if your Fiance already thinks that you’re conservative with money, maybe he wants to paint a rosy picture for you?

Either way, if I were you I would protect myself. If you aren’t willing to confront him about this, I would keep a separate bank account that he doesn’t have access to. Put it in your Mom’s name or something. It may sound kind of extreme, but it’s the smart thing to do.

Post # 42
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

It sounds like you have already figured out a lot of this, but I just wanted to chime in. Here is my hypothesis: he feels embarrassed and a little emasculated about spending money when he knows he shouldn’t be, so he is trying to get out of telling you about it by concocting these stories that make him feel better about himself. For example, you handle the finances and are the one promoting financial restraint (paying down debt, saving for the wedding), which can make him feel like he has to ask you for permission to spend any money (even if that’s not true—he might be feeling that way). The embarassment is why his cover stories involve other people being generous to him—he feels better about himself by telling you how he is such a good friend and guy that he gets free shirts and breakfasts.

Money and the male ego are strange things. I was in a similar position to you a few years ago. We were about to get married and were discussing finances, and I found out about a lot of credit card debt and a few late payments on bills (through forgetfulness, not inability to pay). So I initiated a plan to pay off the debt and to pay the bills on time. My husband was really upset at first that I wanted to pay the bills, because he felt it was the “man’s job” to do this. It took some adjusting but now it is a non-issue. We just had to work out a financial system that works for us. One thing we did was to build in some separete fun money—I have a separate checking account that I put money into each month that I can spend without having to feel guilty about it or tell him. It’s all little purchases–clothes and food mostly. Maybe if you could work out a budget wherein he and you each get a set amount of personal fun money per month that you can use on absolutely anything you want, then you would feel more open about talking about your spending habits. Good luck!

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