Post # 1
My fiance and I are looking at places to hold our reception. There was one that I found that he hasn’t seen yet, and my mom has fallen in love with it. My fiance wants to look at a few other places before he makes up his mind (but he’s not suggesting anywhere else to look). I love this place, my mom loves this place, and they’re giving us a really, really good deal on it. My mom had the person draw up a contract.
We’re going to look at it this weekend with my fiance and his family. My mom is going to be the one paying for the reception. She has said that if my fiance doesn’t like it, then she will not help us pay for it. She doesn’t want me to tell my fiance that we’re drawing up a contract or any of this info (I was specifically told this). My fiance is currently out of town for work, but will be living in the area within the next 12-18 months.
I really feel caught between a rock and a hard place. No matter what I do, I will hurt someone that I love dearly. On one hand, I understand what my mom says. She is footing the bill. It is a place that I really love, but at the same time, if he doesn’t like it, I don’t want to force him into anything. On the other hand, he isn’t providing me with any other options. I feel like I’ve found what I love, I don’t want to do any more research. I feel like we’re getting off on the wrong foot. We’ve all normally had a great relationship–never any problems.
I know that this is somewhat vague, and I’m sorry. I just want to try to keep things as anonymous as possible. Advice would be great. Thank you!
Post # 3
Then why dont you make the decision! Just say
“hunny, mom is willing to foot the bill and I really love this place, would you mind if we go forward with it?”
My fiance’s input is very important to me, but he knows I care more in terms of WHERE we get married because of the decorating and all those things we women care about! =]
Best of luck!
Post # 4
I think it’s strange that your mom is being so controlling over this. That does not sit well with me.
I don’t think there is any reason to tell your fiance that your mom is having a contract drawn up – unless she’s signed it.
Has it been discussed (with FI) that your mom was thinking about paying for the reception? If so, and that’s the only place she’s willing to pay for – I don’t see how you couldn’t talk to your Fiance about it.
Honestly – I’d probably keep my mouth shut and get FI’s feedback. He may love it as much as you and then you don’t have an issue.
I will share this – when we were venue hunting I had already done all the research (or so I thought). I had my top picks for venues and I showed Fiance – he did not like any. We went on a search and stumbled upon an unlikely venue that ended up being perfect. I say this because perhaps that isn’t the only option out there (even though your mom is pressuring you). LISTEN to what your Fiance likes or doesn’t like and what will come out are aspects about the wedding that are important to him.
Post # 5
Be honest with your Fiance. Explain that, he as two choices:
- Tell Fiance that if you go with XYZ place that mom has picked out, then she’ll pay.
- Tell Fiance that if he chooses a different reception site, you two will be paying for the reception.
That way, the ball is in his court. If he wants your mom to foot the bill, he’ll take option one. If he wants somewhere else, he’ll take option 2.
You won’t hurt anyone. Just let him know this is what your mom has decided for the two of you and it’s not really you making that call.
ETA – I think that’s pretty crappy of your mother. This is your wedding, not hers. You think she’d want you to have what YOU want!
Post # 6
Your fiance could end up loving the place… I want to say just cross that bridge when you come to it.
Another part of me wants to say that you should just try to pay for the wedding yourselves, or with any contribution that your fiance’s parents can make. That is incredibly disrespectful and controlling of your mother. Not a good sign of things to come. I think minimizing her involvement in planning could only be a good thing.
Post # 7
I agree that you should tell your Fiance straight out what his choices are.
However I do want to add that when you marry him, that family, you and him becomes your first family, your immediate family. You don’t love your parents any less of course, but it becomes about what the two of you want and your bond, and not about how you are able to fit your lives into your parents.
So your mother telling you what you can and can’t tell your Fiance and you considering going along with it? Doesn’t sit well with me at all, and won’t become advisable down the road, either.
Post # 8
I went through the same issue with our venue. It seemed to be the ONLY thing that my Fiance wanted to be a part of … but, he couldn’t find anything to offer, (only his opinions).
My mother and I fell in love with a place; but he didn’t see it (yet). Mom is footing the bill as well, and we were set to go. I finally got Fiance to look at it, and he hated it (and I mean HATED it). So, my mother got annoyed and said “If he doesn’t do something then I’m paying for this place and that’s it”
So, that’s what I told him. “Look, she’s paying for it and if you don’t find something else, she going to draw up the contract for this place”. Thank god he found the place that we picked … because I fell in love with this other place, but when I saw our current venue (that he found since I gave him the ultimatum) I fell in love HARDER. (I mean, I got light headed and everything) So, that’s the one we picked.
I don’t think its fair that your mom says “if he doesn’t like it then I’m not paying for it”. I agree its YOUR wedding, but people seem to forget that the groom is apart of this as well. He has a say, too. HOWEVER, you also need to tell him “Listen, if you don’t get involved, then I’m making a decision without you. I don’t want to, but you are leaving me no choice if you don’t suggest something”.
Or, once he sees it, he may fall in love too!! But it sounds like mom and Fiance need talking to. Good luck!