Post # 1
My Fiance and I are a lesbian couple. We got engaged towards the end of 2016. Last fall, my Fiance was injured in a diving accident and suffered a spinal cord injury. She is considered what is a low level quadriplegic. She can use her arms a bit, but still needs help. She has also been ill from the injury because she was on a ventilator and trache. She left rehab two weeks ago and is living with her parents as they have a house that is bigger and was previously modified for her grandmother(deceased)’s wheelchair. Our wedding is set for May 2018 and we still want to get married. However, my family is concerned for me in the long run. They worry about me getting burned out by being a caregiver and wife. They have suggested delaying the wedding. My Fiance and her parents have invitied me to move in with them. The house that I live in was the house that grew up in until I was 15. When I was that age, my parents decided to buy a bigger house and for many years aferwards it was used as a rental until they gave to me in 2013. My parents want me to remain in the house. Unfournately, it would need to modifications and other work done accomdate my fiancee. My parents have expressed that I should call off my engagement and leave my Fiance competely. I understand that they do worry about my future and how it will diffcult for me. I just don’t know what to do. A part of me thinks that my parents see my Fiance as “damaged goods”and feel that my life is going to be ruined.
Post # 2
Remove your parents from the equation. How do YOU feel about a life as a caregiver? It’s easy for us on the outside to screech IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, but holy shit, very few people can relate to the situation you’ve suddenly found yourself in. I am really sorry you’re having to to through this.
Are you having any doubts about going through with the wedding? If you are, then I would suggest postponing and working through those feelings with a counselor.
If not–if you know in your gut that this is what you want–then you need to stand firm and tell your parents never to speak to you of this option (leaving your FI) again if they want to remain on good terms with you.
Post # 3
Your parents sound abelist and gross. I’m sorry but encouraging you to leave because she was in an accident? What if you were already married? What about in sickness and in health? That really rubs me the wrong way. So they still like her as a person, just now that she is in a wheelchair (or needs assistance) its “kick rocks”.
It is very generous to have given you a house. Why don’t you rent it out and use that income to help support the two of you? Might help to pay for a caregiver so it’s less pressure on everyone. If the house is in your name, they cannot control if you live in it or now. In fact it seems really controlling to demand/force you to you live there.
I dunno bee. This is a tough situation all around, but I am not impressed by your parents.
Post # 4
You have my sympathy, what a tough situation to be in. Sending a hug to you.
No one here can tell you what to do, or what is best, as we are not living your life. With that being said, your parents are looking out for you in the long run. It doesn’t mean that you should leave your fiance…just consider what being a caregiver/wife really will entail. Have you and your fiance talked about jobs/relocation, health care management, end of life care, finances…?
Getting married is a big step. Getting married and having to physically care for your spouse adds many layers of stress. It IS doable, but you really have to want to be there for your spouse, ask for help when needed, and take care of yourself too.
If it were me, I’d postpone the wedding, figure everything out and have candid discussions with your fiance about what your lives will look like. If you’re both on the same page, then you can find a new wedding date.
Wishing you luck 🙂
Post # 5
I’m ok with being a caregiver. My Fiance isn’t severly disabled. She is working hard in out patient therapy to learn to get herself out of bed and dressed. Right now, her mom is taking care of those needs at home. I don’t have any doubts about the wedding. I want to go through with it. However, I do worry about issues arising later on and getting stressed out. But, I’m confident that I could find ways to deal.
Post # 6
I would like both of us to live there someday once it’s fixed up. I would be ok moving in with her and her parents for awhile. Over time, I would want us to have our own space. I work mostly from home as an accountant and she is an accountant too. Before the accident she worked for a bank and can return to work at some point. The bank management is still holding her job and that have temp accountants covering that posiition now. She types on a computer with sticks. She is also learning to write with tools. She has expressed that she wants to work again.
Post # 7
What a difficult situation for all of you. Your Fiance sounds courageous and determined and it’s great that both of you have parents who love you and have the capacity to support you in the various ways you’ve listed.
I think you should see how you feel about things and figure all of this out with your Fiance. She has a lot of healing that she is going to need to do and it can be hard on a partner to have your loved one suddenly become disabled.
Talk to her, come up with a plan and a timeline with her- does she have a vision for how she will look and feel at your wedding? Is it realistic considering her recovery timeline?
As others have said, your parents are looking out for you, but this is not their choice to make. You need to make your own choices for your life because you are the one that is going to have to live with the results.
Good luck to both of you. It might not have been a part of your plan but beautiful things can emerge from these kinds of difficult situations.
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
If your Fiance was lying in bed feeling sorry for herself and doing nothing but wallow in self pity, I *might* understand your parents’ concern. But by the sounds of it, she is doing absolutely everything she can to help herself. If you want to go through with the wedding, don’t let your parents’ rather awful views put you off.
Post # 9
I’m so sorry for your situation. I can understand where they are coming from because I’m sure they don’t want you to have a life of a caregiver. But I don’t think they are thinking of your feelings towards her. You love her so that doesn’t matter to you, you’d be willing to do everything and anything.
Post # 10
I think concern about being a caregiver in the future is a legit think to think about and plan for. But your parents’ expressed concern gives me the icks. What is the point in suggesting to delaying the wedding unless they think you will just call it off? Follow your own heart.
Post # 11
That’s heavy stuff. I’m sorry your Fiance has been ill, that’s just a whole lot to deal with.
You need to live with her before marriage. You need to experience caregiving to determine if you want to do it forever. I think moving in with your FIs parents is a great small step to take before marriage.
As for your parents, it came from a place of love so try to remember that. You’re their little girl, and they recognize how hard this will be for you. And yes, it is over the moon life altering stuff.
I wish you and your Fiance the very best of luck. It will be unbelievably hard, but you CAN do it ♡♡
Why did you feel the need to clarify that you are a lesbian couple? Are your parents fully accepting or does this possibly have something to do with their opinion?
Post # 12
Your parents are just looking out for you even though it does sound cold. You have to decide for yourself about your relationship with your partner. Your wedding is more than a year away. There is still time to cultivate the relationship and figure out the long term ramifications of her recent injury.
Post # 13
I am seriously considering moving in with them to see how things go. I talked to earlier tonight and she suggested that I spend the weekend. I have a family even on Sunday morning, I think next weekend will be better.
Post # 14
The commitment “in sickness and in health” doesn’t begin on the day of the wedding IMO, it begins the moment you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Would it be possible to rent out the house you live in while you move in to her parents house? That might help to facilitate some of the alterations needed for you to move her in at a later date. And while I don’t agree with your parents doubt, don’t be too hard on them. They are probably much more worried about the stress you will be under and frustrated that life has dealt you this hand. It is hard to see your kids going through tough times and I sincerely hope that is where they are coming from. Best of luck to you Bee.
Post # 15
I could rent out the house. A friend of mine who works in real estate has suggested doing vacation rentals or renting it out to travel nurses and other people who may be in the area for 1-3 months.
I understand that my parents may be worried about me getting stressed out. I worry about them having issues with my Fiance later on as they might see her as a “burden”.