caught DH in a devastating lie.. help me please

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: what should I do?
    continue the reconciliation, forgive him : (113 votes)
    47 %
    end the marriage again : (77 votes)
    32 %
    other ? : (49 votes)
    21 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    523 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    He was probably trying not to be the “drama guy” at work– y’know, the person who ends up oversharing at the water cooler. He may think an on-again, off-again marriage would make him look flighty or irresponsible to co-workers & his boss.

    I say forgive him and try to understand.

    Post # 47
    Member
    160 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    Confusing behaviour on your husband’s part (in my opinion). You mentioned that since reconciling 8 months ago things have been blissful. I’d assume he’s also happy about you two being together again and share the news with his colleagues? It’s a joyous thing to share and I’m thinking everyone would be happy for him, right? Even if he’s not close with his colleagues to the point he’d share (which is weird because he shared about the separation) then he’d at least not put in more effort (take off ring daily) and further the misconception that you two are still separated? It all sounds kind of weird to me. I don’t get the embarrassment reason. This is his family he’s talking about and a reunited family is a great thing, something he should be very happy and proud of. I don’t understand why he’d be embarrassed about other people knowing…

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  lenapie. Reason: Edited for clarity
    Post # 48
    Member
    1152 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    I agree, this is shady and is be very upset too.  I don’t buy the “embarrassed” story and to me the only reasonable explanation is that there is someone at work he either has a crush on or something is full-on happening.  It could just be a flirtation but I think it’s something.  I’m not saying to give up on the marriage but I think you guys need to work through this. I’m sorry bee.  Good luck.

    Post # 49
    Member
    1270 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    helpmeplease1:  It just seems fishy to me that he had his ring off at work. Also, you guys never divorced, so I don’t buy his story. 

    Post # 50
    Member
    2513 posts
    Sugar bee

    How do YOU feel NOW?

    How does HE feel NOW?

    If you have felt that things have gone well, have felt generally re-connected to him, have felt that you were working positively and meaningfully toward a healthy future for yourselves and your children, hear him out and allow him to express himself about what happened and express your feelings in return.

    If you feel that something is going on above and beyond what you know now, you may have to take more drastic measures- anoth r separation, legal advice…..

    MORE couples therapy can’t do anything but help, whether you decide to stay together or need to make a plan for you to co-parent under different roofs.

    Sending positive thoughts …..

    Post # 51
    Member
    607 posts
    Busy bee

    helpmeplease1:  I was be devastated HOWEVER TO PLAY DEVIL’S advocate….

    How embarrassing is it to start a new job where you have no friends having just been divorced so they think he is single and then to admit to counseling and THEN that you got back together and to be honest he is probably worried about it failing again and he barely knows his co workers yet. It is a lot of drama he doesn’t need in a new work place.

    After seeing this point of view I would calm down. If he has never given you a reason to think he would cheat he probably isn’t and all he is doing is trying to keep his personal life out of work, especially in a new work place where he has to prove himself and that drama in his personal life won’t affect his work.

    Cut him a bit of slack and just ask him that he wears the ring going forward. Then in about a month pop in for a surprise lunch to double check.

    Post # 52
    Member
    4238 posts
    Honey bee

    helpmeplease1:  

    I’m curious. You say that you’d not visited the new workplace but “you decided” to take documents to him. And then made a scene upon this discovery. Had he asked you to swing by? 

    I agree that y’all have some serious discussing to do about your marriage and expectations, but I also wonder if there’s something more to your visit and outburst.

    It sounds like a bum day, regardless. Sorry, Bee.

     

     

    Post # 54
    Member
    3335 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    I get that it might be embarrasing to start a new job as a separated person and then reconcile. But they’ve been together now for longer than they were separated! He’s been lying to everyone for 8 months. He’s been going to work and pretending to be single for 8 months. That is NOT okay to me.

    I agree with a PP – if you honestly feel the last 8 months have been blissful, then get into counselling ASAP. If it were anything less than blissful I’d be getting the fuck out of there.

    Post # 55
    Member
    344 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    I could kind of understand him not wearing his ring for the first few weeks of reconciliation due to not being sure if things would work out,but 8 months later??!! Nope,I’d be furious if I’m honest,that’s a long time to go to the trouble of taking it on and off daily.

    Now his paralegal knows he’s got the opportunity to be upfront and could tell them he wanted to be sure things were on track before sharing this and I would give him the opportunity to do that. That being said its not their damn business anyway! 

    Post # 56
    Member
    11811 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    I skimmed over a big part, ie that H admitted that not only had he not updated people on your separation, but he actually came into the new office originally telling people you two were already divorced! That does put a somewhat different spin on things. 

    So, he assumed you were divorcing and for expediency and who knows what other reasons, told his new co-workers he already was. Now that you’re back together, he couldn’t figure out a way to say he had never been divorced in the first place! He’d have had to admit to lying all along or concocted a remarriage story in order to start wearing tbe ring again. 

    Maybe that is what he’d have done eventually, once he was sure the reconciliation would last.But he dug himself a big hole here. The easy lies would certainly damage my trust and faith.

    As I said, he’s got a lot of work to do. 

    Post # 57
    Member
    7857 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Am I the only one not seeing why it’s embarrassing to reconcile after a separation? I feel like this should be something to be proud of. Not necessarily to broadcast to coworkers (I try to keep my private life separate too), but certainly not so shameful that you’d want to hide it? 

    Post # 58
    Member
    3094 posts
    Sugar bee

    Like I said before, only thing left to do is to ‘slip and land in a pile of pussy’ for you to see because I can’t believe the shyt some of y’all would believe. *rolling my eyes*

    Doesnt wanna be the drama filled guy my ass.  And who has this type of relationship with coworkers anyway where they all know such intimate details of what is happening? I mean, MOST of his coworkers are supposedly that much up in his business? And how do you keep us this type of lie for almost a freaking year? And why is keeping this kind of lie important to you? And the reaction of the receptionist is really surprising because the way she reacted makes me feel as if he has APPEARED single by either shouting it to the rooftops pretty often or doing other things to appear single. Nope, nope, nope.

    Post # 59
    Member
    138 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2016

    Well, I can kind of see where he is coming from.  Five years ago, my fiance and I broke up.  I was devastated – I even took a week off work.  Because I was doing so bad, everybody at work knew about the breakup.  A few months later we got back together and I felt pretty embarassed and didn’t tell people right away about the reconciliation.  Part of it was probably that I was afraid it would not work and didn’t want to seem high drama.  Plus, what are you supposed to do, announce it?  Eventually, I started talking about him again and having him attend events with me but it did take quite some time.  I know it is different because you are married but please don’t assume that he is having an affair or anything else.  If you have been happy the last eight months, don’t let this derail you too much.  

    Post # 60
    Member
    913 posts
    Busy bee

    TinderBoxx:  I guess I can see this being true, even though the lengths he has gone to strike me as being a little excessive and a lot weird.

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