(Closed) caught DH in a devastating lie.. help me please

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: what should I do?
    continue the reconciliation, forgive him : (113 votes)
    47 %
    end the marriage again : (77 votes)
    32 %
    other ? : (49 votes)
    21 %
  • Post # 76
    Member
    12127 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    garnobella:  Right but, and this is no justification as far as I am concerned, but again do you think he felt that the initial lie, that he was divorced, could have, in his mind, come back to haunt him? 

    When they reconciled, he either has to admit to everyone he lied or fudged the divorce. Maybe his behavior was such during the separation that he did not want anyone to think he was still legally married. 

    If he doesn’t admit to that lie, then he has to tell another lie, and pretend at some point that he got remarried. So now he’s been being married, divorced and remarried, all within a year.

    And if things didn’t work out? Then, based on his original lie, in a very short time he’s been married, divorced, remarried and separated or divorced.

    Or maybe, as PPs suspect, there’s something more going on, someone in the office he dated or introduced him to someone he dated during the separation. Or beyond. 

    In OP’s position, either way, it’s a violation of trust. I’d want counseling and full transparency, ie passwords, free access to all email and accounts. 

    Post # 77
    Member
    3307 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    This is absolutely bizarre. Very shady behavior on his part.

    Post # 78
    Member
    1011 posts
    Bumble bee

    So re-reading the original post, after reading it yesterday and comments, this is the conclusion I’m coming to. 

    He started the job while you were seperated, heading toward divorce. At that point in time, I’m guessing divorce was the option and reconciliation hadn’t been mentioned. So he probably said “I’m divorced” as oppsed to “I’m about to get divorced”. Trust me, all it does is lead to questions when you phrase it that way. Originally I’m sure it was intended to just open and close all discussion on that matter. 

    If it makes you feel better, when I was married to my ex husband, he refused to wear his ring. He didn’t want to tell people he was married, wouldn’t add me onto his insurance at work, not because it was more expensive, but because there was too much paperwork (his words, not mine). Then later he “lost” his ring. Two years after the divorce, I found it under the dresser. Or in a drawer, I don’t remember now. So maybe that’s why I feel like I do, because there wasn’t even a hint of divorce or seperation when he was doing that, so I guess, like I said, thats why I feel like I do. 

    Like I mentioned in my earlier response, when we did end up separating going to divorce (he moved out, we had to file and wait 2 months to go to court to get it finalized), the people at work obviously knew what was going on. I had just told them we were really happy, getting ready to start a family, etc (on a Friday) then Monday, when someone asked how things were, I had to say “well, he moved out over the weekend and we’re getting a divorce”. I worked one on one with these people, so yeah I didn’t have to say anything, but when you’re in a room all day with someone, and they are your only outlet to the “real” world, things start coming out. Then, when we attempted a reconcilliation, they knew that, and then a week later “well, it didn’t work, he didn’t want to, we’re divorcing anyway” I looked insane. While it was being finalized, I ended up quitting that job and starting a new one, which I had to take off a day to go to court to get it finalized, as well as go to the DMV and SS office to get my  name changed on those (therefore telling my job my new name) so they knew… looking back, I shouldn’t have bothered and told everyone I was already divorced. Because it opened up nothing but questions from everyone. Especially when they found out he didn’t know we were divorced…. the court was supposd to notify him of the final decree (he didn’t have to go to court) by mail, but never told him the court day or anything or mailed him a copy, so a couple months later he called me to ask if a court date was set and I was like, dude… we’re divorced already. Have been for two months”. It got a laugh from some people, but others it just make me look like a cold bitch for not even telling him we were divorced. So yes, I am biased on this topic. 

    Post # 79
    Member
    2130 posts
    Buzzing bee

    weddingmaven:  No, he was never divorced, he was never remarried. This man has been a married once, amd was seperate do for 6 months, which is very little when you take into consideration he had been married for 15+ years. 

    I don’t know if he’s up to no good elsewhere, but even if he told a white lie to begin with,he never made it right. Liars don’t turn me on, and this man seems to be caught in a web of them. 

    Post # 80
    Member
    5889 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    MsBeer:  +1

    I can understand why he’d be embarassed about expressing this at work (not wanting people at work to know about tumultous life events, especially being new) but why wouldn’t he talk to YOU about it?

    Either he doesn’t trust you or he’s not to be trusted.  Shady.  Go see your therapist solo and talk it over. 

    Post # 81
    Member
    4027 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    My question is, why the fuck would his coworkers CARE whether he was married, engaged, divorced, single, etc.????? And that paralegal, what balls on that girl to make a comment like that. That would be none of her fucking business…. I’m a private person at work and I don’t go spreading info about my personal life but I know I wouldn’t go out of my way to LIE about my marital status unless I was being shady on purpose… 

    Post # 82
    Member
    12127 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    garnobella:  I agree with that and the fact that he had numerous opportunities to explain things along the way. As I said, it’s no excuse. Just trying to figure out the motivation. 

    Post # 83
    Member
    484 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    Well if he wasn’t embarrassed before, he certainly will be now.

    I don’t have any advice, Bee, but I’m sorry you’re going through this.  Big hugs.

    Post # 84
    Member
    2098 posts
    Buzzing bee

    helpmeplease1:  Aren’t you in counseling for the marriage? Surely that would be more helpful that the weddingbee boards. Sorry, not sorry, bees. 

    The topic ‘caught DH in a devastating lie.. help me please’ is closed to new replies.

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