(Closed) caught FI looking at teen images – what do I do?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 197
3 posts
  • Wedding: December 2012

Regarding the Craigslist ads:

Obviously I don’t know what your FI’s motives were for viewing those ads, but I think it’s really jumping the gun to assume that he intended to actually contact anyone.  All bees who have looked at the Craigslist ads for a laugh or out of curiosity, raise your hands!  I have.  And I am VERY happily engaged to be married, with absolutely no desire to share that side of myself with anyone besides my Fiance.  (Of course, my Fiance knows that I’ve looked at those ads, as sometimes we’ve looked at them together for sh*ts and giggles!)

I don’t think it’s fair to assume that his intentions were nefarious, especially when other posters here are saying that even *they’ve* looked at those ads without such intentions.  It strikes me as a double standard as well as an immediate presumption of guilt.  

Obviously, he COULD be looking for a fling.  But without some serious, as-level-headed-as-possible communication, you’ll just continue to imagine the worst.  I would recommend not that your Fiance go to therapy alone, but that you go to couples counseling together just to get some help discussing these issues, since they’re troubling you this much.

Best of luck.  I hope that you find some peace of mind with whatever you decide to do.

Post # 198
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Just because someone masturbates to something Does not make it Porn! The artist Robert Maplethorpe took some photographs of Susan Sarandon’s daughter naked when she was like 2 or 3 years old, that is Not child pornography.

One of my favorite artists, Egon Schiele, was sent to jail for 30 days for painting nude children (Austria 1918 or so).

Post # 199
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I didn’t read through 5 pages, but I skimmed the first and second. So am I to understand you’re having him go to therapy? For porn? That sounds really harsh. I mean, hell, am I supposed to adjust the porn I watch the older I get? I don’t think so. That would be really boring. Who wants to be 40 and watch 40 year old guys? Not me.

I don’t think it’s a big deal because, honestly, when my Fiance was 24, I was 19. It’s not crazy that he would look at porn featuring girls in that range, IMO.

I think you’re overreacting by sending him to therapy, but if it [obviously] bothers you that much, talk to him about it and find a middle ground.

Post # 200
537 posts
Busy bee

@Pixie79:  Lots of women on earth could possibly be OK with their men looking at porn. I’d say the vast majority of men looking at porn are not then using their SO’s bodies “for friction,” they are looking at it when they’re alone and using their own hand “for friction.” 

Men are visual creatures and and all human beings have sexual needs, whether they are single, in a relationship, or in a relationship but just happen to be alone one night. If my guy is alone and horny and wants to look at porn to help himself out, so be it. I do not, in any way, shape, or form, think that it means he wants to have sex with other women or that he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I think it means he wants to get off and he needs something to look at to stimulate him and I don’t happen to be available.

Plus, yeah, my man looks at porn, and he’s the best sex I’ve ever had, EVER, so I am not sure I understand the correlation between looking at porn and being a terrible lover. To the contrary, I imagine if my SO never masturbated, he’d be worse in bed because everything would be over so quickly. Besides, porn probably gives him ideas for new things to try. He certainly doesn’t “lack in the skills department” as you’ve implied all men who view porn must.


Post # 201
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@AnAppleA_Day:  Agreed. If Fiance didn’t take care of business on his own time, it would be super fast when it was just the two of us. Also, best sex of my life too. I don’t get that arguement either.

Just thought I’d share what Fiance said about this thread. I told him the main problem and his response was “She should be glad they’re female. If they were males, I doubt she’d care what age they were.” Haha. Obviously, he thinks it’s completely normal too.

Post # 202
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Y’all, this is not a thread about porn in general– the OP said she allows her husband to watch porn.  We get it, you don’t like porn and it’s not in your relationship but the OP does.  We’re not debating if porn replaces women or if porn is bad or if porn belongs here… we’re debating whether the action of watching “teen porn” merited the OP’s reaction– and how she might respond to what’s going on in her life. 

Post # 203
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

OP, I dont think you are “crazy” or whatever other people think of you. Something similar happened to me a few years ago and I had the same feelings as you and a similar reaction.

You do, however, need to see to what extent the Craigslist stuff was. If he was meeting up with people, that is a huge issue. If it was just to respond and talk to someone in a sexual manner, that is also a big issue. Looking at the ads for a laugh? I think a lot of people do that and it’s ok, as long as it goes no further.

Post # 204
918 posts
Busy bee

@babybumblebee:  This has nothing to do with petite women. My point said “girls that were made to look very young”. It was a question. There were some negative comments made about slim women and  iwas not included in that. I don’t understand how I am gettling lumped in and called out for their comments.


Mine was a question, on girls that are made to look very young…ie: older girls made to look very young…16..15…that “innocent look”. You know and I know there is a big difference between a person who is in a loving relationship and is with someone who looks young for their age or natural, and someone who is looking up images of young teen girls repeatedly. who are dressed up in young looks, appear very young and appear underdeveloped.

I noticed the OP has left this topic completely, with no update at all. This has caused such a debate…at the end of the day,  Ijust hope she has worked it out and come to a resolution with her Fiance, differences in opinions aside…between any of the bees. 🙂

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