- 2 years ago
- Wedding: January 2019
Going anonymous for this one, because I’m sort of embarrassed about it. The title says it all.
Anyway, a month or so ago, I walked into the bathroom while my fiance was showering. He obviously didn’t hear me, because the shower curtain was shaking…. a lot. It was pretty clear what he was doing. I panicked and quietly left so I didn’t have to deal with an awkward situation. Then, I realized that his phone wasn’t on the nightstand anymore, and that he must have had it in there with him. I instantly felt bad about myself. My first thought was that I wasn’t satisfying him enough. That he wasn’t happy with just me anymore.
After thinking about it for a while, I concluded that masturbating is natural and that I shouldn’t worry about it. It’s not like I’ve never done it. And I’m not naive enough to think that he doesn’t do it every now and then. We talked about it pretty early in our relationship (I asked him what kind of porn he watches, if he’s done it since we had been together, etc. We are pretty open with each other.)
So I let it go. Or, well, tried to. Once I knew he was doing it, I started noticing signs… like the bathroom door being closed (he normally showers with it wide open), his phone being missing while he’s in the shower, or just generally being kind of secretive. I can’t stop noticing it now. Like, I can almost always pinpoint WHEN he’s going to do it. And it’s way more often that I would have suspected. Like, a couple times a week at least.
It happened again this morning. I got so angry I almost pulled the shower curtain back. But I just feel like I have no reason to be angry, so why embarrass him like that? I did go slam a couple things around in the bedroom to make my presence known though. Like, hey buddy, I’m right here…. maybe you could stop touching yourself for five minutes so I can grab my hairbrush.
I don’t know. I just feel uncomfortable about it. I’m not the most sexual person in the world. I mean, we don’t have any problems in the bedroom, but we don’t have sex like every single night or anything. I’ve also gained some weight this year, so I’m feeling a little self conscious. I’m no where near overweight, and I know that. I was pretty skinny before. It’s just that I recently went from a job in which I was very active all day to a seditary desk job, and I’ve developed a little tummy pooch. He has never once mentioned my weight gain and always reassures me when I say something about it, so I have no reason to believe he no longer finds me attractive. I just have insecure tendencies and can’t help but feel like that is exactly the case.
I’m sure the best thing to do would be to talk about it. We have great communication normally, I just REALLY don’t want to talk about this with him. I feel like it will just make us both feel really awkward. And it won’t solve anything. I mean, I already know he does it. And I know that it SHOULDN’T bother me. So I don’t think there’s anything that he could say that would make me feel better about it. It’s a me problem. I think. Ugh.
Anyone else have to deal with this?