Caught fiancé pleasuring himself…. multiple times.

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Yeah, the only place to go from here is to talk to him.  Don’t be assumptive – just tell him what it looks like and give him the opportunity to come clean and explain, and tell him how it makes you feel.

Post # 3
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

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bridetobe1993 :  I also know that masturbating is normal and that DH does it from time to time. However I sort of always thought it was common courtesy not to do that while your partner was home… at least not without saying something beforehand. I’d be hurt and pissed too. And I have nothing against masturbation or porn. I don’t think this is a “you” problem. 

Post # 4
Member
204 posts
Helper bee

its a you problem, yes, but you’re allowed to share you problems with your SO in my opinion.

I tell my husband about things that bug me at work, my physical aches and pains, etc… I’d let him know if I were struggling a bit with my self image and getting in my head about his masturbating.  Just be clear you know masturbating is normal and you know it doesn’t actually have anything to do with his attraction to you (seriously, he probably just likes to watch images of dicks going in and out of vaginas and/or butts and/or mouths.. the fact its a porn star in the video and not you probably doesn’t really have anything to do with it) but after that at least he can comfort you a bit and maybe be a bit more discreet. 

Post # 5
Member
3553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

So I really don’t have a problem with this. Just last week I went up to bed and saw hubby lying on our bed (door was open) and he had clearly fallen asleep mid ‘activity’. I just quietly woke him and left him to come round. I have to admit it made me laugh so much. Typing this is making me laugh again. 

You need to talk to your husband and tell him that it is playing into your insecurities, but YOU need to work on these insecurities as it is not fair to put this on your hubby. It’s also really important to remember that often for men, masterbation isn’t always about desire. A lot of times it’s just a release

Post # 6
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee

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bridetobe1993 :  I think it’s acceptable for people to have their boundaries on porn usage…while it doesn’t particularly bother me, that doesn’t mean that it’s okay with you, and it doesn’t have to be! However, you can’t be upset about his choice to masturbate. It truly is natural and it’s just him exercising his bodily autonomy.

 

While I understand that your concern about this may root from your insecurity about your recent weight gain, I hope that you can come to terms that he was likely doing this well before that point. It truly is not about you AT ALL. It doesn’t mean that you don’t satisfy him, bee. 

 

But it concerning the porn, if it is boundary-crossing for you, you need to have a frank discussion with him about it. That’s the only way you’ll reach an agreement. Best wishes, bee!

Post # 7
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

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anondotcom :  “he probably just likes to watch images of dicks going in and out of vaginas and/or butts and/or mouths”

I am loling at this!! Such a simple explanation but ain’t that 100% the truth!! 🤣🤣🤣

Post # 8
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee

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Twizbe :  that is freaking hilarious…I cannot imagine the scene of a man falling asleep mid-act lmao

Post # 9
Member
939 posts
Busy bee

There’s lots of reasons why porn is/can be bad, so you don’t *have* to be okay with him consuming that. Masturbating can be done without porn—albeit less easy—and for that reason I bet he’d do it less frequently if it wasn’t available to him…because it almost sounds like he’s developing (or already has) and addiction to it. Porn addictions can negatively impact his bedroom performance (which can snowball to affecting your marriage), so it’s definitely worth talking about in case he needs to nip this habit in the bud. 

Post # 10
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee

“… at least not without saying something beforehand”

I have a mental image of telling my partner “honey, I’m going bathroom to play with my clit for a while. Hope thats cool!”

No but seriously, you can share your feelings with your husband. But also know that he isn’t doing anything wrong so no blaming.

Post # 11
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Beyond the literal matter at hand. Being able to talk to your SO about awkward/uncomfortable/silly/bad/tough things is going to have to happen for the rest of your lives together. If communication breaks down so does the relationship. Great communication isn’t limited to the happy stuff. 

My SO has been caught red handed and we have talked about it. He says sometimes it’s just easier and faster than the full woo. I do the same. Our sex life together hasn’t suffered and he’s never made me feel like it’s my ‘fault’ or anything about my body.

Post # 12
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

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rez123 :  lmao! I’m just thinking more of a “do you mind if I go do this” scenario, which would sort of give the partner the opportunity to say “no go ahead” or “I’d like to join.” Saying straight up “yes I mind” and leaving it at that wouldn’t be great though. Maybe just an invitation for a joint sesh.

Post # 13
Member
3553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It was the funniest thing ever! When he had woken up and covered himself I went back into the bedroom and just laughed with him about it 

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happiekrappie :  

Post # 14
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

So you should definitely talk to him about your feelings. But having said that, if his masturbating does not affect your sex life, I really don’t think it has anything to do with you. I don’t understand why it would make you mad. If he was turning you down for sex but then you caught him masturbating, I could understand why that would be upsetting but otherwise I think this is really a “you” issue. I don’t think it’s fair for you to ask him to stop in that case. So talk to him but make sure you don’t take out your insecurities on him.

 

Post # 15
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee

He may just have a higher sex drive than you and doesn’t want to bother you every time. If he was turning you down for sex in order to masturbate I’d be more worried, but it takes a lot more effort to get a reluctant partner in the mood than it is to just bop one off in the shower.

If the porn makes you uncomfortable though I’d talk to him about it and see if there’s a way you can compensate for the difference in sex drive together.

I have a pretty high sex drive, but my husband is goddamn fiend and sometimes just needs to get off so he can think clearly. When he really wants it and I’m not in the mood he’ll often masturbate with me/around me while we make out a bit etc. Or he has some dirty pictures of me that he uses. Quickies where he just takes care of himself are also an option if you both don’t mind.

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