Caught fiancé pleasuring himself…. multiple times.

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 16
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

 Agreeing with PP that you really should talk to him about this. I don’t mind the porn watching or the masturbating and don’t even care how often it happens, because I know it’s still nothing even remotely close to the real thing, but I also understand that I’m not everyone. If this bothers you, as it clearly does, gently approach the subject with him and have a chat about it.

It can even be as simple as “Sometimes when you’re showering it’s pretty clear you’re enjoying other activities in there, and it has been bothering me a little because it feeds into my insecurities. Can we talk about it and see if we can come to an understanding about those activities when I’m home?”

Post # 18
2337 posts
Buzzing bee

You’re being insecure. And you’re letting it negatively impact your relationship. Stop keeping your feelings to yourself and communicate with your partner. 

I have the higher sex drive in my marriage and I frequently masturbate. It’s not because I secretly hate my husband or don’t find him attractive or resent the little belly he’s recently grown. It feels good, and it’s Good For You.

I do not understand why people feel the need to pathologize sex acts and attach unnecessary feelings of shame and insecurity onto the subject.

Post # 19
7524 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Honestly, I think the majority of dudes masturbate daily or pretty near daily. I am pretty sure my husband does, and that every ex I’ve ever had was the same. If you have a problem with it, you should be able to talk to your husband about your feelings, but I wouldn’t freak out about the frequency unless it’s starting to affect your sex life together.

Post # 20
1578 posts
Bumble bee

To me its like, yes we all masterbate so what. It is WHEN you do it that would bug me. I do it when no one is home and I expect my boyfriend to do the same or at least hide it. He has this bathroom routine anyways where he goes in the bathroom, starts the shower and is in there (obviously on the toilet for 15 min) then flushes and gets into the shower. So I already am conditioned to not bug him while he is in the bathroom. I am the same way, we aren’t the kind of couple that wants to openly poop in front of each other and I like it that way. So he can diddle himself all he wants in the shower I just don’t need to know about it. So maybe tell your fiance that you wish he would make more of an effort to hide it from you since it is his own personal business anyways. 

Post # 21
2629 posts
Sugar bee

Most couples have SOME kind of discrepancy in sex drives. And even if they don’t, life just gets in the way sometimes – different schedules, on person too tired from work etc.

The fact that he does it the same way at the same time definitely makes it sound like it’s just a routine release and if you don’t care about the porn I wouldn’t even think twice about it. No harm in checking in though if it’s bothering you! It’s good to talk about it openly semi-regularly so you’re both on the same page and keeping things fun & fulfilling. 

Post # 22
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m definitely in the minority here, OP… but I kinda think this is something to leave alone.

I think adults should be afforded some privacy.  If your husband can’t have privacy at home, in his shower, for a few minutes with the door closed, where on earth can he think what he wants and touch his own junk?  He doesn’t pressure you, you don’t mind what you think he’s watching, he closes the door and he doesn’t talk to you about it.   

You’re concerned about your own feelings about your own tummy pooch.  It sounds like that’s what needs to be worked through, not his wanking.

Post # 24
756 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

Honestly, I’d be glad it sounds like he has a healthy sex drive. Enjoy that while you can. My D-H has low sex drive which has been a huge struggle/issue for me, especially as we are TTC. I was upset last week that one of our BD’s didn’t count because I figured he hadn’t “released” in a couple months and when he told me he took care of things a couple days prior in the shower (because he wanted the sperm to be fresh) I could not have been happier! Not to minimize your issue, but honestly I long for the days when he wanted it more than I did. As long as he’s still having sex with you as often as you’d like, everyone’s entitled to get their own rocks off to a healthy extent.

Post # 26
6942 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
coffeecakez :  I completely agree with you. Once we partner up are we no longer allowed to have any privacy? 

Post # 27
2629 posts
Sugar bee

It may have just become a habit while your schedules were out of sync. And a lot of guys wake up with “morning wood” that isn’t necessarily about sexual stimulation ( You could try initiating morning sex? Or if it’s not a good time for you ask him to at least wait until you’ve left the house. You might feel better about it if you talk about it so that it doesn’t feel like something that he’s doing behind your back. 


Post # 28
1533 posts
Bumble bee

His timing to me seems the most appropriate. Guys usually have morning wood so that’s already happening. Shower is usually private. The sounds are muffled. Also you are off running.

I’m not sure why it should be more hidden. He is already in a private space. He is not announcing it. You have just picked on the clues. You are also fine with masturbation and porn. I think if he always and to what till he is home alone it would start effecting your life since he would have to start actively planning on it. 

Post # 29
6162 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Id tease him about it if I saw the shower curtain shakin like crazy lmao. Id say something like ‘baby you want some help in there with that?’ lol but that’s just my personality. 

Logistically speaking I’m amazed that he’s able to bring his cell into the shower and not have it fall in, or have it sprayed with water accidentally. It would be a disaster if I tried bringing mine in, even propping it somewhere.

Post # 30
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

If you are otherwise satisfied with your sex life, it does sound like an issue of insecurity. It’s a common and understandable source of insecurity, but that seems to be the crux of it. You can certainly still talk to him about it to clear the air for your peace of mind. But if he has a higher sex drive and you don’t want to have sex whenever he does, then I think it would be an imposition on his bodily autonomy to tell him not to masturbate.


If he were not meeting your needs sexually, then that would be another thing. I’m generally pro-masturbation and fine with porn, but I admittedly struggle with the fact that I have a higher sex drive than my fiance and would like to have sex more often than we do, and on top of that he will choose to leave me in bed in the morning to go masturbate in the bathroom. It’s still a feeling of insecurity I suppose, but it is exacerbated by the fact that he chooses to masturbate for his benefit only, knowing I want to have sex (as opposed to masturbating because he knows he has a higher drive and I may not want to be bothered).

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