Caught fiancé pleasuring himself…. multiple times.

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 32
Member
4276 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t see what there is to gain from bringing it up. The most likely thing is he’ll feel embarrassed or ashamed, and i don’t understand why you would want to make your partner feel that way, particularly over something that doesn’t actually bother you.  He’s not doing anything wrong. 

Post # 33
Member
1712 posts
Bumble bee

Hmnnn yeah then I suggest you say something? Maybe just, oh and babe? How about you not go at it by yourself so obviously when I’m home. Maybe a little more discretion would be awesome. Love you! 

Hahaha that’s the route I’d go. 

 

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bridetobe1993 :  

Post # 34
Member
2361 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m all for keeping silly insecurities to oneself and thereby limiting its power over you.

But this situation has escalated to the point that your partner is sneaking around, LYING to you (not that it’s your business, but this speaks to how pathological this is becoming), and you are distraught enough to be creating a post here to talk through your feelings.

Once an issue reaches this point, where one or both partners are sneaking, telling white lies, feeling distraught, starting to feel resentful, etc., then YES a conversation needs to be had.

A PP said something to the effect of “if you say something, your partner will feel ashamed, and why would you want to cause them to feel that way?”

That’s ridiculous. OP has no power to MAKE her partner feel any way. His feelings are on him. If HE has some sense of shame over masterbating, then he needs to confront that and deal with it. But it’s not the OP’s job to tip-toe around a subject that he is not exactly trying to hide from her in order to avoid any potential Big Feels he may have as a result of an open and frank discussion. 

I would probably just sit my husband down after work one day when he’s in a good mood, ask him if he feels ok to have a conversation about something that’s been on my mind lately, then preface my introduction of the topic with something along the lines of, “Please don’t think I’m upset with you, and I think this is mainly about my own insecurities, but I feel we need to clear the air around this subject so that we can get a good understanding of our respective feelings and move forward on the same page.”

So long as you don’t attack, blame, or shame, it shouldn’t be a hard conversation at all. 

Post # 35
Member
1295 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

This is probably an unpopular opinion, but even if you weren’t comfortable with porn and him masturbation this much (a couple times a week seems plenty to me), I’d be on your side. I personally don’t like the idea of using porn as it has more harm than good at any day. I’ve heard and witnessed many men actually not being able to finish with their partners because of the difference between a hand stimulant versus vagina. If you notice any sort of loss at his sexual interest towards you, it’s your right to ask him what’s going on. Even now, I’d personally just catch him once in action, or join in the shower. I’d totally show that part of me who would ALWAYS be better than any virtual woman or man.

 

Post # 36
Member
12 posts
Newbee

I have a different opinion when it comes to porn just because I know that it does have an impact on the way men often look at women in everyday life and it almost makes it hard to get sex out of their head even when they want to. I think porn can be a bad habit and even a very unhealthy addiction thats best to nip in the butt. But that can only be done with the help of a partner sometimes.

This might be tmi but if you have a lower sex drive and knowing that him pleasuring himself by looking at other women bothers you than maybe try and send him some personal stuff to look at aka you! What ever you do TELL HIM it bothers you, communicate, make boundaries, make him aware! If you dont like the porn tell him, and if you do end up supplying your own “porn” then next time you walk in on him he might be looking at YOU, and to me that feels a lot better than knowing hes just watching other women. And also it has a positive impact on your joined sex life because then he is fantasizing about you and is even more excited about being intimate with YOU! 

Post # 37
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

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bridetobe1993 :  does it negatively impact your sex life? If not then I don’t see a problem. You mentioned he had a higher sex drive than you so it probably works out better for you both that he pleasures himself. Plus a couple times a week sounds normal. 

I don’t understand the advice to confront him. What’s the point? What will you get out of it? Do you really want him to stop touching himself? That sounds pretty controlling to me. He is entitled to touch his own body lol 

Post # 38
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I have a high sex drive and I masturbate whenever I feel like it. It’s not because I’m not satisfied with my partner, I am. But he’s not always in the mood and I don’t like to ask because I don’t want to pressure him. But I’ve never thought to let him know when I’m going to go get myself off and honestly sometimes I’ll do it beside him in bed because it’ll help me fall asleep, if he’s not around sometimes i’ll even watch porn. This is absolutely no reflection on my wonderful fiancé who I adore and am extremely attracted to. The only thing that might bother me honestly would be if our sex life was suffering and he was jerking off instead. 

Post # 39
Member
1596 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

View original reply
bridetobe1993 :  Okay, so I for one completely get you. 

I am totally fine with masturbation and porn.  I do it (not the porn part – it does nothing for me) and DH does.  We have a healthy sex life and typically keep our private habits, private.

Except I started noticing a routine for DH too – with headphones left in a certain place, tissue box moved to a certain place, Ipad left out etc.  Once I realised it, it was impossible to ignore and would notice every time he left this stuff in these places.  It started driving me nuts for some reason and I couldn’t pinpoint why.  Still can’t really – the closest I came is that I felt like I was intruding on his privacy?  

So I said to him something along the lines of  “oi – when you jerk off, can you stop leaving everything out where you had it and making it so bloody obvious?  I like to pretend I’m the only woman in your life you know” (last bit said jokingly – we’d previously discussed this was fine)  he was a bit sheepish, agreed and now I’m sure he’s doing it the same amount of times, but I’m back to knowing nothing about it. 

I would say something similar to your SO.  Just “hey – I don’t mind what you’re doing in the shower but it’s a bit annoying when I’m trying to get ready for work and your being so obvious about it.  Do you reckon you could switch your time up, or be more discreet?  Also – no more lies, kay?  No man takes his phone into the shower to read facebook, do I look like I was born yesterday? Lying isn’t okay ever so cut that shit out.”

Post # 40
Member
222 posts
Helper bee

bridetobe1993 :   I tend to be the odd girl out here and no one really listen to me on this board but this is kind of my expertise so here it goes.

Masterbating isn’t about sex or attraction, it’s just about cuming, that all. If he is looking at porn during it, it is still just a tool to get his rocks off. It’s not personal, he likely still thanks your the most beautiful women in the world and likely hasn’t noticed your slight weight gain.

Also, most people do it. Almost all the men I know do, my partner does and we were 3 times a day at our prime before work got crazy and ever then we both did it. Individuals know how to ring their bell better and most importantly faster then any partner could and sometimes you want be in and out with having to worry about other people. I have never had a 1 minute bang but I have with my “friend” Bartholomew before work…Bartholomew is the name I gave our showerhead.

So please, try to gain perspective and don’t take this so personally or be so hard on yourself.

Post # 41
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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bridetobe1993 :  This reminds me of when exes or my DH said they were uncomfortable with me using a vibrator alone or with them. It made me feel limited in a sexual way which wasn’t fair

Often people have a natural feeling of shame that should not be attached to masturbation at all. You pointing it out could make that worse and he hasn’t done anything wrong or malicious…

I don’t know, unless he’s leaving tissues everywhere and stopping you from using the shower before work then I can’t see an issue here

If you feel insecure tell him but be careful not to embarrass him or make him feel vulnerable or chastised. That’s why I mention the vibrator thing btw because it made me feel that way 

Post # 42
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I got stuck on the part about him having his phone in the shower… How????

Post # 43
Member
459 posts
Helper bee

Are you wanting him to stop masturbating and come to you for sex each time? I’d honestly prefer my man masturbate and give me a break. Why don’t u be sexy about it and hope in the shower and help him? I think if you’re not willing to do that than you have no room for complaints. Sounds like his sex drive is higher than yours. 

Post # 44
Member
2667 posts
Sugar bee

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almostmrsbee :  a lot of phones are waterproof now! Including iphone 8 which she said he has. So fancy

Also, i want to edit my suggestion about talking to him directly a bit. Other people’s comments about privacy and shame around it reminded me that not everyone is as open with it as I am. My husband and i have had an open dialogue about it our whole relationship and always involved each other in it in some way so it’s never had shame or anger attached to it for us.

Don’t tell him you ‘caught’ him because that could definitely make him shut down, and will not lead to better sexy times. Especially because it seems like you’re mad about it (whether you logically want to be or not, it’s not uncommon). He’s doing it privately and you’re still getting your needs met and don’t have a problem with porn, so he hasn’t violated anything in your relationship that you’ve discussed. and like 

View original reply
pantsapocalypse :  says – it’s really not personal. Jerking off is a means to an end. 

I’d just try to figure out why it makes you mad and what you can do together to feel better about it. 

 

Post # 45
Member
2383 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I really don’t think the OP has a problem. The FI’s activities are so much better than another woman or a porn addiction. It is his body, his business. 

I am just not seeing anything to have an awkward conversation over. 

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