Post # 1
I sit here in disbelief that I am writing this post. I’ve been on the bee for a long time and seen many of these but never imagined I would be the author one day.
Long story short, been married just over 2 months and discovered a string of chats between my husband and a woman. They are inappropriate, ranging from sexual advances to discussions of our relationship. He also stated multiple times that he wished he had married her. The chats span about 2 years throughout our engagement and recent marriage.
I do not know if they are being intimate but it doesn’t matter. I have begged for this type of attention from him and feel I have to pull it out of him. Second, I had my suspicions about this woman some time ago and he assured me I was wrong. Since I had nothing real to go on except my gut, I moved on. Most hurtful, is that he gave this woman the impression that I wanted to be married and was trying to trap him by getting pregnant. Not true at all. I never wanted to get married or have kids, he discussed it constantly.
I am too emotional right now to make any decisions but I am looking for advice on how to confront him. Part of me wants to leave the messages up on the computer with a note when I am not here. Part of me wants to just pounce on him as soon as he gets home. And still other parts want to tell him to bring his ass home now!
I just don’t even know where to begin or what to say.
Post # 3
Oh, hon. I’m so sorry. I wish I had some good advice, but nothing will take away your pain and hurt and confusion right now.
After reading some other posts, I guess my one suggestion would be to protect your assets immediately. Make sure he can’t drain the bank account and leave you with nothing. Take half of any joint accounts and put it in your own name.
It makes me so angry that he slandered you to this other woman to make himself look like a victim. That is simply shameful. You deserve SO much better.
Post # 4
I am so sorry you are going through this 🙁 I don’t feel like I can tell you what’s right for you or your marriage, but I would suggest taking a walk or something similar and giving yourself a little time before deciding how to move forward and what to say to him. Good luck!
Post # 5
I’m so so so so sorry you’re dealing with this. I think you need time to sort things out. If it’s possible for you to leave for a few days and stay with friends or family I would do that. Just pack up and leave. Leave a note explaining that you found the chats and need some time to think and you’ll call. Because then comes the big decision of what you’re going to do. And that’s going to take some serious thinking and talking with him (preferably in a public, neutral, space). If you can’t stay with someone else – do you have a baby or are you still pregnant? Then do what you can to get a grip on things before he gets home then have a discussion. You still may need time to think through things, so maybe he has somewhere he could stay for a few days? Some couples can get over things like this and some can’t and either is okay. But it’s a hard decision and all you can do is try to get through it the best you can. This is not your fault. In any way. You can get through this. Just take deep breaths and keep telling yourself that you’re strong and you’ll get through it.
Post # 6
OMG! I am so so sorry you are experiencing this. Your husband has little respect for you or the vows he made! I was engaged to a guy and found the same sort of stuff. I know what you are going through and I know it was heartbreaking. 🙁 I’m so sorry for what you are going through.
First of all, PRINT EVERYTHING!!! If you don’t have a printer, take pictures of it with your camera. Don’t say ANYTHING to him until you get all the evidence. Once you say that you know or let on that something is up, all the evidence will be deleted and he will pretend like you’re just insane and read the information wrong (aka “It isn’t what you think….”).
Second, once you get it all printed, send him a text and tell him to get his ass home! Don’t torment yourself all day waiting!! Of course, if I were you, I’d spend the day packing up his crap so that when he got home, he’d walk into a doorway full of his stuff and all the evidence lying nearly on top of it with a very colorful “f-you” letter!!!!
Post # 7
@mightywombat: This. Protect what is yours.
In my experience, something like this usually goes beyond just the “emotional” cheating. What you have seen is bad enough, but the sad fact is, it has probably gone a lot further (especially considering that he indicated he would have preferred to “marry her”.)
I don’t want to give you advice on how to confront him – you know him best…but as someone else suggested, take a walk, think this through and go from there. hugs
Post # 8
Wow, I’m so sorry! Is this something you think you can work through with him? Do you want to give him the chance to improve your relationship? I’d leave the conversation up or printed out with a note explaining that I’m staying with someone else for a few days to get my head on straight.
Post # 9
I would leave it up, leave a note on the computer screen, go open a new bank account, put your money into that account, stew over a coffee or a beer and wait for his phone calls to begin. Once you have thought it over go home.
Good luck sweetheart! No one should have to go through this. I’m so sorry.
Post # 10
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
No advice, just lots of hugs and sympathy. I’m sorry your fears have been confirmed. I think that if I were in your shoes, I’d be calling and demanding that he come home right now, because I prefer to deal with things ASAP. But if you are the kind of person who needs to collect your thoughts and mull things over first, you have to do what is right for your conflict style. Either way, it’s going to be a sucktastic talk. I’m sending you good vibes to get through it. Hugs.
Post # 11
If it doesn’t matter whether they’re being intimate, you have no reason not to confront immediately. If you want to know whether they’re being physical, I would not say a word until you have the proof you need. These things tend to go underground – and the evidence with them – once the secret is out.
On the confrontation part, I think you need to decide what your end-goal is before you approach him. Do you want him to leave? Do you want him to agree to cut off communication with this woman and go to counseling? Do you just want him to stand there while you have your say? Determine your goal and steer the conversation toward it.
When you confront him, try to stick to the facts, it’ll make things less stressful on you to not feel like your emotions are leading you all over the place. Tell him you have proof, tell him what you want him to do, and tell him what the consequences will be. It’s not manipulation to tell him that you will not continue on in the relationship unless he agrees to counseling or to stop talking to this woman – he gets to decide what actions he’s willing to take, and so do you. And if you do go to counseling, find someone who has dealt with infidelity.
Some books that might help: “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass and “After the Affair” by Janis Abrahms Spring.
I’m so sorry that you’re in this position. I’ve been there, it really sucks. 🙁
Post # 12
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I echo what @TheFutureMrsCarness: says: print everything. Make sure you’ve got the evidence. Also @mightywombat: ‘s advice on protecting your assets. Just be careful, whichever way this ends up going. Good luck, I hope things work out in the best possible way for you!
Post # 13
I am so sorry this has happened to you (I found out about my ex of 6 years this way) sending vitrual hugs your way.
I second the PP advice, get all your ducks in a row, get a safe deposit box for rings, evidence and anything else you might think would go missing. Get as many as assets as you can into your name. Men once caught have no interest in being fair. I would also go to a lawyer immediately and present this evidence to him. Get electronic copies if you can. I’m not saying you will end up leaving this guy but you need to be prepared.
Post # 14
Stay calm its so easy to get heated over this talk. Many years ago I had a friend who did the same thing. Right after he got married he started calling me (always drunk) and it was the same conversation, he wished he would’ve married and been with me, that he had to marry her and he wished he didn’t and he felt terribly. After 3 months of this he would call me sober and that’s when I had just about had it. I said you have a WIFE now. You need to STOP this is so in appropriate. He did stop. The story ends 5 years later when he texts me to let me know he’s leaving his 8 month pregnant wife and several children for another woman he met at work. That couple didn’t get counseling. As far as I know his wife had no idea who I was or that he had talked to me their first 3 months of marraige. I am SO sorry this happened to you. My only advice for someone newly married is to talk about it and give him time to gather his thoughts after bringing it up. (((hugs)))
Post # 15
I have zero advice for you b/c I have no idea what I would do if I had to be in your shoes. I just wanted to offer you lots of hugs and support. What he did completely disrespected your marriage and your relationship for the last 2 years. I wish there was something that I could do or say that would make it better for you, but the chats are just incredibly inappropriate. And for them to have been going on for 2 years is just disgusting. However you confront him, please make sure you either kick him out for the night or have somewhere to go. B/c you’re not going to be able to be around him once you do confront him. Keep us posted on everything and good luck…
Post # 16
I think what @sportsgal31: said is phenomenal advice, so I’m not going to add anything to it, other than to say how sorry I am that you are going through this! I agree with PP that the part that bothers me the most is that he is putting you down to someone else. That is just so unacceptable.