(Closed) Caught in the middle between FI and my mom…Need advice ASAP! I’m freaking out

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I would bring it up to him and ask what bothers him about it. Maybe he has different expectations that he hasn’t shared with you.  Which of course would not be fair to you since he has not shared it with you. 

Post # 4
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Hmmm there definitely comes a time when you have to leave one family for another (your childhood family for your married one). I definitely think you should just tell your fi that hey i didn’t know you could get off in time, i have to do this this and this can you come with me on these days and that way he won’t feel left out.  maybe also talk to your mom about it?  my mom and i are fairly close but we talk and email back and forth a lot M just shrugs and it doesn’t bother him, of course my mom is like  hours away so he probably wishes she could go to appts with me lol.

Post # 5
Member
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

First of all, I think he’s not telling you something. Ask him what the deal is, in a non-confrontational way.

Second, while you can be close with your mom, I think you have a bit of an unfair expectation there. There should only be two people in a marriage: you and him. If you’re constantly calling your mom for advice on things that only involve you and him, then no, it’s definitely not fair and you do have to choose. Not only that, but perhaps he feels left out when you probably tell your mom things before you tell him! I think your mom will understand–she should know that marriage means that your relationship with her is going to change a little, but it doesn’t mean that the two of you love each other any less.

Good luck, I know it’s tough, but you’re blessed with two people who love you very much!

Post # 6
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

this is tough – but Im going to tell you my honest opinion. You need to make him your priority. I am by NO MEANS saying to alienate your mother. you absolutely still can be close to both of them. But your Fiance is feeling like he comes second, and that shouldnt be the case in a marriage. My parents divorced in large part due to my moms inability to put my father before her parents. No spouse wants to come second to another family member when teh point of a marriage is to start a new branch of the family.

I do think there is a fine balance to these relationships. Its a line youll have to work to find together, but it can be found

Post # 7
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Have you had a long talk with him about this? Have you talked to your mom about his feelings?

I think this is one of those situations where no one is wrong, but you have to reach a solution where everyone’s feelings are well cared for. I don’t think you can do that without discussing this in a way that lets everyone know they are still a huge priority.

Post # 8
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think he probably let it fester a little bit and it has blown up.

I bet even if he couldn’t have gone, he’d have liked the consideration of being asked to go.

I am super close with my mom (she lives 5 hours away) and talk to her a lot. I call every morning on my way to work and we talk for about 20 min. I usually call later in the day too or in the evening. Darling Husband is very cool with it. My parents and I talk a LOT more than we used to since my brother died and he encourages me to foster that relationship . But, I do realize when is “too much”. If we are having dinner, I don’t answer the phone, I cut them off to do stuff wiht Darling Husband, you know.But I know there is a fine line between being “close” with my mom and on the other hand, accidentally shutting my husband out.

While it makes sense to ask your mom to go instead of yoru husband, ask him first if he’d like to go before you just assume. THEN ask your mom. Make him a priority. Your mom will understand. It is very hard to shift the focus. When Darling Husband was deployed, the only people I could talk to on the phone were family and friends. When he got back, I obviously talked to them all less. It was weird, it’s an adjustment.

And you only have to “back off” from your mom if it’s excessive. If you’re talking lunches or shopping, not a big deal. If you’re talking doctors appointments or wedding stuff without even checking to see if Darling Husband wnats to go, that’s another thing. She has stuck by you in the past, but you are marrying your Fiance and taht ijs your future. You’ll find the balance. But talk to your FI–he needs to speak up beofore he gets so irritaed he blows up!

Post # 9
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I had this very same issue with my FH and my brothers. I am the middle child to two boys who are both in the military. We are very close. When they come home, which is normally once a year, I almost always take my PTO time from work and hang out with them. I always make them my priority when they are home because they dont come home very often. Well I guess over the years he had become very jealous of this situation. He said he always feels like its a competition between him and my brothers and he never wins.

After a lot of tears and arguing why we all just cant get along, I have realized that he is right. He is getting ready to be my HUSBAND. He is my future and my life. My brothers will always be my brothers and my best friends but there comes a time when you have to let go of some of that attachment and make new bonds with the one you will be marrying.

I am not saying to completely give your mom the cold shoulder, but simply explain to her that he is priority. She will understand. My brothers def understood when I explained it to them. They actually agreed. They said that he is getting ready to be my husband and i should make him my priority. But never forget who your family is.

Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

This is definitely a no win situation for you.  I’m SO sorry they are both upset.  But, they are both upset because they love you and want to support you.  Apologize to Fiance for not taking him into consideration first.  Tell him you assumed he would need to work but in the future you’ll talk to him about things like that.  Hopefully, that will open the door of communication so you can talk about your relationship with your mom.  Obviously, he feels like he plays second to her.  And, you need to figure out how to help him feel like he’s number 1 (even if that means backing off from mom for a bit). 

As for your mother, she’s having a hard time adjusting that she won’t be #1.  And, naturally, that sucks for her.  

But, bottom line, you don’t have to choose at all.  You are just redefining the relationships a bit as your life changes … it doesn’t mean you don’t love or appreciate all your mom has done or does it have to hinder your relationship with her.  It will just look different as you give Fiance the priority.

It WILL get better… I promise!  Hugs.

Post # 12
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I 100% agree with everything oracle above said- your mom will adjust, she has to realize you are a grown woman with a family

Post # 13
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

It sounds like there’s something else going on here. Did they perhaps have a conversation or exchange a few words that you don’t know about? Because it seems odd that you’ve had this relationship for years and Fiance knew about it, and then suddenly…

Post # 14
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh no! Your plan backfired!

Just go to your appointment and when you get home, have a talk with Fiance. Tell him what will change.

Tomorrow, call your mom. Let her know how things will change in the future. She just has to deal with it, be an adult, and take it in stride. It’ll be hard at first, but she’ll be fine. Maybe send her some flowers in a week “just because”. Moms love that =]

Post # 15
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I have a similar problem, only its my Fiance who is super close with his mother (I am not.) Just to offer a different perspective, its hard when you are in love with someone and want to be their everything, and they lean on their parent instead of you. I don’t think it has to be mutually exclusive – I hope my Fiance will continue to be close with his mother throughout our marriage – but I do hope that gradually over time, I will be the first one he goes to (as his life partner).

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