(Closed) Caught my fiancé in a lie. Don't know what to do.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee

As someone who was kinda pressured into doing coke at a party once in college (not proud of it), I would probably put this in the “one-time-thing” category. But I would definitely talk about it with a premarital counselor because he shouldn’t be doing it since he knows you have a problem with it. As for him lying, well, it was kind of a vague question, and he did come clean right away, so there’s that

Idk. I’m not helpful. Just know that it definitely is possible for it to just be a one-time thing without it leading to addiction. I have had literally no desire to do it since, but back then I just kinda got caught up in the party atmosphere

Post # 17
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee

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futuremrslowe:  +1 I agree.

I don’t feel he totally lied but he obviously knew OP wouldn’t approve. He came clean right away and he obviously already knows how she feels about coke. I say unless it’s a regular part of his socializing just let it go. 

Post # 19
Member
2729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

He didn’t lie when you asked him, so I’ll give him props (though very little) for being honest about using. He lied about who got it and he tried to hide it from you. I agree with PP that if he was the one to obtain the drugs, plus you said he did it before he met you, I’d venture to guess this isn’t a one-time thing.

Even if it were a one-time thing, that’s not something that would fly with me. Coke is way worse than an occassional joint (which I also don’t like but could get over). I’d have a serious talk with him and don’t lie about how you found out this information. You didn’t snoop through his phone, you saw it on his display screen. The only way you can expect honesty from him is if you’re honest too. 

Post # 20
Member
2687 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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KatesTheWord:  this 1,000 000 times. People are acting like coke is no biggie as long as it’s not a habit. It’s a ridculously powerful drug!!!

All these “you didn’t ask if he specifically took drug answers” – oh brother! I guess you have to specifically ask your spouse if he’s cheating with a blonde hair blue eyed 6 foot tall woman for him to tell the truth? stop it, please…

Post # 21
Member
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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annonbridetobeee:  I know I’m in the minority, but I think you’re getting a little ahead of yourself here. Losing his job?! I mean, sure it could happen, but the likelihood is pretty low. I know coke is highly addictive and a problem for many people… but for many people it’s NBD, and it’s a pretty disgusting experience, IMO. Not everyone gets addicted. 

Cut him some slack. Set a boundary now, but I think holding a grudge or becoming suspicious is a bit misguided. 

No offense, seriously. I know this crossed a line with you and I respect that. I’m sure he will now too.

Post # 23
Member
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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annonbridetobeee:  Was he tested within the few days after the party? If so, that’s rough timing. If not, I stand by my original response. 

Post # 24
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

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annonbridetobeee:  

“He has an amazing job. If he ever lost it because of one stupid choice, it would be the be all end all of our relationship”

This bothers me a little – you can get past the drug use but if it (or another bad choice) caused him to lose his job it would be the end of your relationship?  I presume that’s not what you actually meant but it sounds as though you’re only interested in marrying him if he has an amazing job.

Anyway – it all depends on whether he’s actually a regular user and/or whether he has lied to you before.  You have to find this out.  Plenty of people are recreational coke users and simply don’t consider it a big deal.  But it sounds like it’s a dealbreaker for you which is perfectly reasonable, it is an illegal drug.  So if he’s one of those recreational users who thinks it’s no big deal then I think you have a problem.  If it was a once off, you trust him not to do it again and you have faith that he hasn’t lied abouth this or anything else, then I think you can let it go.

 

Post # 25
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee

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annonbridetobeee:  Well, on the bright side, that probably scared the shit out of him so maybe he won’t risk it again. I’m being incredibly biased here though because I had to get tested a few weeks after smoking weed and lemme tell you, I will NEVER ever do it again. Talk about terrifying

Post # 26
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I am shocked at the responses here. 

This guy…

1. Agreed to go hand over money for cocaine and pick it up. A felony because he is now distributing it. I don’t care if the brother knew the drug dealer. Don’t see how it’s relevant. Also don’t care if he says he was pressured. Just because someone asks you to meet a drug dealer for cocaine doesn’t mean you do it!

2. He did cocaine at a bach party. How is this different from all the posts on the Bee about people’s FIs crossing the line with strippers or whatever? He WAY crossed the line regarding drug use with his Fiance and he knew it. 

3. She asked him about the party and he shrugged it off and acted like “oh nothing exciting happened” when actually he DID HARD DRUGS. Which he knew was a big deal. And illegal. And against her beliefs regarding drug use. 

This is all such a huge NOPE for me and I cannot believe the excuses here – “wellllll you didn’t ask if he did coke” and “OMG what’s the big deal” seriously? 

Post # 28
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee

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annonbridetobeee:  YIKES okay then disregard everything I’ve said. I just had to get up and go to class the next day. That was so, so dumb of him

Post # 30
Member
2570 posts
Sugar bee

I am very cut and dry in the drugs department after dating 2 addicts if my Fiance was to do drugs he would be gone as soon as he admited it. I have zero tolerance for that shit!

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