- 6 years ago
- Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016
So, I’m still really struggling on this. I hope posting here will give me some outside perspective. Luckily I am blessed with a Fiance who is 200% supportive of me when it comes to deciding on whether or not we someday want a child. Still, this doesn’t make it any easier when I feel like absolutely everyone expects me to have a baby after I’m married next year.
I am SO conflicted over this whole decision I feel sick. It’s not something I can put on the back burner and figure out later. My mind just doesn’t work that way. I’m planner, I need to know things in advance and with something as huge and life changing as this it kills me to be so confused and uncertain about. I’ll be turning 26 this year and when I get married I’ll be only a few months away from 27. For now I’m telling people not expect anything baby related from me at least until I’m 30, but that just feels still so close and I hardly think I’ll be any sooner then to knowing what I want to do than I am now. But I’m afraid of having my body simply decide for me if I get too old and not feeling like the decision was 100% mine.
I never know where I stand with kids. I’m not the type of person who hates ALL kids or anything. I love little bitty babies and cute toddlers. When I hear stories involving children I tear up. But I know life isn’t like that. Hell, after one day of babysitting my cousin’s 4 year old I’m done. She’s not a bad kid or anything, she’s very smart and pretty hilarious. But the energy, and attention and patience she requires and the constant MESS is something I can’t deal with. And then I think about long term. I can’t stand know-it all preteens and their attitudes or defiant teenagers. I can’t stand the sound of shrieking toddlers. I know most people can’t, but my tolerance for them is at an all time zero. I’m told to be patient-they don’t know any better. I understand that. That doesn’t make it any easier to not want to completely snap back them.
I like the freedom of not having children. When I lay it all out like this, it feels pretty cut and dry. Maybe I’m just not meant to be a mother.
But then there’s the other side. How do I know I won’t regret it??? All of my friends make me feel like an alien when I say I’m not ready for a kid yet (and I’m talking about just ONE, people don’t seem to understand why a women wouldn’t want multiples). My best friend is ready for kids yesterday, and the other is pretty much agreed that while she’s not ready for them now, she wants them someday. Like it’s no big thing. And I wonder…why am I not like that? Don’t want them now, but someday. Only no, because I don’t even know if I’ll be ready for them in this imagined ‘someday’. Everyone in my family old enough has children. It feels like a foreign concept to explain that I might not ever feel ready for them. I even feel guilty when the afforementioned 4 year old asks when I’m going to become a mommy and can it be a girl. I feel like I’m letting people down and I’m being selfish and immature.
After awhile I know I’m talking in circles. I’m so envious of anyone who absolutely that they DO or DON’T want kids. After a certain point, the decision is made and their is no going back. Either way, I’m terrified of living a life of regret. There are tons of blogs and websites out there for mothers, I wonder if anyone knows of a place for people like me? People who just don’t KNOW and need help and discussion to figure things out? I can talk about this with my Fiance until my face turns blue. I still don’t know what to choose.