(Closed) CBC bees- how did you come to your decision?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
353 posts
Helper bee

I am in no way an expert on any of this, but let me offer my thoughts… I’m 24, will be 25 when I’m married, so I’m younger than you but have a lot of the same feelings as you. I wouldn’t say I hate kids, but I get tired of the noise, mess, etc very quickly. I’m kind of a selfish person – it’s something I’m working on, but at least I acknowledge it, and I know that at least for the foreseeable future it would be irresponsible of me to have a child that requires a lot of selflessness. 

That being said, I realize I’m still relatively young and will have a good couple years to be young and free, and by the time I’m getting close to 30 I’ll probably be ready for children – at least I hope to be. For me though, it’s not that I think I’ll regret not having children, it’s that I do genuinely desire to bring up a child and help him/her navigate the road to adulthood, and I can’t wait to be a proud momma on graduation day, celebrating my kid’s success. 

 

It seems to me that you don’t really have much of a desire to be a parent (and I could be wrong, I’m basing this on just what you wrote here). If your reason for being apprehensive is only that you think you might regret it, I don’t think that’s enough of a reason to want children. How long have you felt this way? As a kid, teen, young adult, did you not want children then either? From your description, I get the feeling that you’re fairly certain you don’t want kids, but the social expectation of having children, and seeing everyone around you with children, is making you doubt how you truly feel. 

Again, I don’t know much about all this, but it’s my understanding 30 is not too young to be having children (medically speaking). 35-40 is more when age becomes a barrier. You still have a few more years to enjoy some child-free years, then maybe when you turn 30 you can reevaluate how you feel. Also know that getting pregnant is not the only way to have a child – you could foster or adopt a child, perhaps an older child. Or you could choose to be completely child-free, and if you still feel a motherly instinct you could have a pet, or foster service dogs, or volunteer at a children’s center, or sponsor a child internationally. 

Not sure if any of that helps, but just know that you are still young enough that there’s no ticking clock, and you only have to do what you feel in you heart is right, not what others expect of you!

Internet hugs **

Post # 3
Member
3031 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast

If you decide ‘no’ and then regret it later, do you think adoption would be something you’d consider? 

That said, i don’t think you can live thinking “what if i regret xyz in 10 years”. You have to do what is right for *right now*.  

What are some things that you’re worried you might regret about it? 

Can’t say that I’ve met anyone that’s really said that they regretted it. I have some older family members and coworkers/etc that don’t have kids and none have ever said that they wished they had. They all seem happy doing their thing. And it’s not like you won’t have kids in your life, there’s always going to be nieces/nephews and kid’s of friends. 

Post # 5
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

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TwinkleBoss:  Honestly- there’s no way to know if you’ll be happier one way or another. You talk to your partner, think about the life you want to have together and decide to have the best life you can. 

For us- when we first got together we were both sure we wanted kids. We are older (I’m now 36 and he’s 44) so it was kind of a “Do it or lose it” situation for us. My sister had a baby and we babysat several times together and it jut became very clear this was not something we wanted to do. We work well together, but it is terribly exhausting and we handle the stress very differently. We always say if we regret it down the road we’ll just adopt older kids and in the meantime we’re very involved in the lives of our nieces and nephews. For us, the time together and freedom to do what we want outweighed the desire to raise children. 

Besides… I really really like laying in bed on Saturday mornings. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 6
Member
2016 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

 

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TwinkleBoss:  I don’t know how you decide, I’m still on the fence and the second I think I’m more one way than the other I’m back at the start wondering if that would be the right choice. My SO is the same but leaning much more towards “no, thanks”.

I’m 27 (28 this friday) and I’ll be 29 when I’m married, my SO will be 31. I think as long as you and your partner are on the same open decision page, then you’ll be okay. If you want a little push for deciding then make a list of things you want to do before you have children, this list should have things you can’t do with a child or with children. Maybe accomplishing some of the things on that list will help you get closer to “ready” or closer to your decision that you need to add more to the list and you aren’t sure if you’ll ever stop adding to the list ๐Ÿ˜‰

My list consists of graduating college (finally, this May), traveling extensively (ridiculously long list), specific activities/festivals in foreign countries and here in the U.S., milestones for my SO and I, financial/savings goals and career goals.

Hope this helps a little ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s a tough choice but you really do have time!

Post # 7
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

For me, it was realizing that I didn’t need to have kids. I’m am a planner like you. I often have mapped out my life with deadlines on major life events (married by 27, kids by 32, etc.), but then I realized I didn’t have too. 

Somewhere in the struggle of deciding whether I’d complicate residency with a pregancy or putting it off until I was practicing, it occured to me that I might not even want kids. Sure, I like them well enough. I’ve volunteered with kids my entire adult life, but I’ve always been kind of wishy washy on having my own When I was a teen, I said I’d never have kids. Then in college I felt that I would, because people did. I felt I needed to have kids someday because my life is very family oriented. Of all the reasons I had for planning to have kids, none of them were “I want to parent a kid day in and day out.”

I have to say, it was liberating knowing that I didn’t need to squeeze kids somewhere into my lifeplan. I was relieved to not feel the pressure to rearrange my goals for a child. Do I sometimes think “Maybe?” Yes! But never long enough that I change my mind. I still feel like I’m not a true childfree gal because I don’t think I’ll ever be at the point where I decide to get my tubes tied.

My advice to you is that you should evaluate your reasons for choosing to either have or forgo kids, and know that many of us are still hanging around the fence. And if you need to have a plan for if you change your mind, then make a backup plan, but don’t let that interfere with your plan for your life now!

Post # 8
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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TwinkleBoss:  Like you, I’ve been on the fence recently. However, I’ve thought for my entire life that I wanted kids and always pictured myself as a mother. Also, I adore children. Even the loud, bratty, obnoxious ones.

The thing is that I realized that most of the reasons that I wanted kids was that I’ve been socially programmed to think that it’s a woman’s highest calling and because I imagined all of the fairytale positive things about parenting only. I’ve worked with children and even did 4 years of full time nannying. This is when I realized that the day to day parenting is actually very difficult. And since the commitment of having kids is HUGE, I figured that it should be a well thought out decision evaluating the pros and cons.

The thing about parenting is that there are some big pros, and most mothers will recite how much they love their children and receive joy from them. However, there are A LOT of cons, including lack of sleep, loss of freedom, financial concerns, the trials of pregnancy and birth, stress, protential marriage issues and many more. For people who are happy being parents the pros will outweigh the cons and make it worth it. But not everyone will feel this way and that is OK. For many people the benefits that they receive from not having children make them feel happy and fullfilled.

Not everyone needs to be a parent. There are other people needed in our society as well. People who can support parents or devote their time, energy and resources to other important things.

I know how frustrating it is to not know what your decision is. Give yourself time to really think about it, but also try it out. You said that you babysit. Try babysitting overnight, or for a weekend. One of the things that sealed my decision was to adopt a puppy. It’s not even close as hard as having a human baby, but there were enough similarities that I realized that I did not want to be a full time mom to a person for the rest of my life. Part of it too was that while I know that my husband would be a very loving father, I don’t think he’d be a very hands-on father, based on how much I have had to raise the puppy myself. I don’t blame him, it’s just not who he is or how he was raised. So I know that I would be doing the majority of the child care work and giving up a lot of myself in the process. It might even cause resentment on my part and conflict, ugh.

As for regretting your decision, what if you were to have children and regret it? That would be much worse in my opinion and is DOES happen all the time because people don’t always take the time to weigh their reproductive decisions, they just do it because of expectation.

A good blog that I found is http://childfreedom.blogspot.ca/ the author highlights many of the pros and cons of parenting as well as discusses posts of moms who regret motherhood. Some of those are really hard to read ๐Ÿ™ Reading these stories helped me make up my own mind.

Post # 9
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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TwinkleBoss:  One more thing, you talk about being worried about the ”emptiness.” “That a women is fulfilled once she is a mother, that the love of a child is something nothing else can be compared to and without it I will feel lonely.”

Ask yourself this: Do you feel lonely and empty now? You don’t have any children now right? I certainly don’t feel lonely, empty or unfulfilled. I have a full life with interests, passions, family and friends. I expect that I always will fill my life up with these things. I do not need a child to feel fulfilled and connected.

Sometimes I think that the idea that we can only “truly” love one’s own offspring is a terrible myth, and actually cuts us off from being open and loving to other people. (Most) people love babies and children (and animals!) because it is socially acceptable to be loving and open with them. You pick up babies and children and hug them, kiss and snuggle them, smile at them and you OPEN YOUR HEART. Once this same child grows into an adult it is no longer acceptable to relate to them this way, unless they are your own child. The truth is that we are capable of making the most beautiful and loving connections with anyone, whether or not they are related to us.

Post # 10
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017 - Baton Rouge, LA

you are not alone. im super on the fence as well. i get married this month, and will turn 27 in may. NO CLUE if/when i want kids. right now, i cant imagine them in my life. so ive decided not to worry about it til im closer to 30. maybe by then i’ll have a clearer picture of what i want. Fiance is just like yours- supportive of my decision, but leaning towards the no kids side of the fence.

Just know its normal to question it. its not so cut & dry for everyone.

Post # 11
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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TwinkleBoss:  I hear you.. I love children- I was always the one that everyone wanted to leave their kids with and since I’m the oldest out of the cousins as well, I often babysat my younger cousins and siblings. I always knew that I wanted them, I just kept pushing off when that would be. I kept saying 25, then 27, then 29 (I am 29 now) and then 30. I think 30/31 will be a good time frame for me.

Don’t compare your children to “watching” someone elses kid on occasion. Theres a level of emotion and connection that goes into it that you don’t have with a child that isn’t yours that you are raising and seeing everyday (blood related or not).

I think you still have some time to discuss it with your hubby to be, and once you are able to settle into life, making that decision will be easier. I am getting closer and closer to wanting to start trying, and a year ago, I was like “hell no, we need a few years after the wedding so prob when I’m 31/32” (for reference we got married in September and I turned 29 a week after the wedding). Now that we’ve been married and the stress and planning surrounding the wedding is over, I could see it happening sooner. It’s crazy what just a few months in your life does in terms of changing your perspective.

Post # 12
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I am about 90% sure that we are not going to have kids.  We have been married for about a year and half, together for about 5 years.  When I was a teenager and even into my early 20s I thought I would have kids, but I realized that it was more because it was expected rather than if I really want them.  When I first met my DH I was coming off of a bad break-up and wanted to keep things light with my next relationship so at the beginning I just said I didn’t know if I wanted kids because I didn’t want to scare him off (dumb, I know) but as I really thought about it, I came to the realization that that was true.  I didn’t know.  After a lot more thought I realized that I hated babysitting growing up (like anxiety inducing HATE) and I never really felt comfortable around little kids.  I became a high school teacher because they were closer to grown-ups.  As a high school teacher, I’ve realized that I don’t want a high schooler of my own to worry about.  I have enough of that at school.  So the point of this rambling?  It may take time to come to any decision and that’s ok.  Some CBC people are in the camp of “I always knew I didn’t want kids” and some took time to reach that conclusion.  The important thing is that you always keep the lines of communication open between you and your partner.

Post # 13
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I am so happy I am not the only person trying to figure out whether or not I want children. I love being able to travel and sleep in and not have to worry about a child. I can’t even imagine the financial impact of having a child because I honestly like nice things and going out for dinners etc. On the other hand when I see my friends babies, I think oh I would love to have a baby and to be a mom. I guess I am kind of happy I have PCOS because I really don’t know what the right choice is for me and if I am ready or not. I mean I am 30 so I should know by now right?

Post # 14
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I feel the same way as you, kind of. 

I grew up with 7 siblings. My parents neglected us for their addictions and, being the 3rd oldest (oldest in the house due to others moving out or being in foster care), I was left to practically raise my siblings since I was about 9 years old.

i was always adamant I never wanted kids because I basically helped raise my siblings and I saw how hard it was. 

Now I’m nearly 28, and I’m still conflicted. Plus, I have this awful fear of child birth (tokophobia). 

I don’t particularly like babies, they don’t give me warm fuzzy feelings. More like anxiety about how delicate they are. I quite enjoy toddlers though. 

one thing that has stuck out to me was a comment I read once, can’t remember where. this person said they wanted a few kids so they would have a full table at thanksgiving and Christmas. 

I think this hit home because I always loved to have dinner at my grandparents house (the only stability in my life) and they clearly loved having us. Currently, most holidays are me and Fiance. We don’t even really celebrate since it’s just us. sometimes holidays will be spent with siblings and their kids, but I worry as we get older, it will be back to just us. 

I also imagine what it will be like to have a mini Fiance, and wonder if the kid would be like me. 

Now i have this issue with my health, and I’m likely infertile. it’s not currently known if it’s permanent. 

This has me really worried that I missed my opportunity, even though I’m not even sure if that’s what I wanted.

im waiting to see a doctor to find out more, but thinking about the situation, I asked myself: if my fertility is fading fast, would I get pregnant now versus ppossibly never having any? And the answer is yes, I would. 

I was also never really a dog person. Then I got a tiny baby puppy, and he changed my world. I suspect my own little baby will feel the same.

Not sure if I was of any help, but I totally feel you. It’s a big decision, and having kids really isn’t for Everybody. 

 

Post # 15
Member
358 posts
Helper bee

So, my situation is extremely different from yours. I knew from when I was little that I wanted to have kids. My mother passed away when I was 10 and being the oldest of four kids, I was put in charge to help raise my 7, 4, and 2 year old siblings. I was the neighborhood babysitter, and am currently a nanny while earning my master’s degree in education. I just love kids and cannot imagine my life without them. 

That being said, kids are definitely not for everyone! I agree with a PP who said that as far as your fear of regret goes, it would be much worse to regret having a child than to regret not having one. If you decide that you regret not having one, you could always adopt if you cannot conceive on your own. I am not sure where you read all of your information on adoption “about how so many adoption agencies are practically akin to child trafficking, that a majority of adopted children resent their adopted parents, how the biological parents rarely want to give up their children, how adopted straight parents are selfish.” That is not how adoption works. Many times when the children are infants, the mother may be young or just does not want children so they would rather give the child to someone who would want it and love it than abort. Other ways a child can be put up for adoption are if the parents are unfit or the child was being abused. I know several adults who were adopted, including one of my best friends and my youngest brother, all of whom would happily consider adoption of their own. They also love their adoptive families. My brother came from a household where the mom straight up did not want him and the dad was always into drugs and in and out of jail. He has sense met both of his biological parents and does not care for them. He realizes that had he stayed in that environment that he would be a completely different man today. Again, I am totally not saying that you should have children or adopt, just that if you feel right now that you don’t want ids, that is fine. And I think it would probably be best to not have them unless you feel a strong urge to later in life, in which case, I think adoption would be a very viable option. 

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