Post # 1
Member
9 posts
Newbee
Sooo when DH and I got engaged I told him I wasn’t ever going to have kids for many reasons. I wanted it to be just us, but moreso I wanted to have an amazing career as a doctor and never have to worry about “guilt” that would come from finding a work life-family life balance for such a demanding career.
I read all the CBC threads here and imagine how nice it would be to have that – vacations a few times a year, a nicely padded savings account, a nice house with great decor, living where we want regardless of family/school districts/daycare etc, etc…
But DH cried when I told him that, he did still marry me. But from the first day of our marriage he was pressuring me to have kids.I felt bad to deprive him of his dream of having a family, so I gave in. We now have a toddler.
I adore my kid and love him so much. But I have to admit I still wish I had never had kids. It IS possible to love your child but hate being a mom. I’m a good mom in that I meet all his needs and spend time with him – but I gave up all MY dreams to be with him. I will never be a doctor or have a great career. I have an AA degree and work in medical records, admiring all the doctors there and wishing I was them.
I don’t resent my child – it’s not his fault, and he IS wanted… does this make sense at all?!
Anyway DH still doesn’t even realize that I feel this way. He knows it’s been hard on me and has done his best to be supportive and encourage me to do what I need to do to be happy. I do wish we had been more clear with each other prior to marriage regarding our individual dreams.
Sooo not really sure what I’m looking here… maybe just to share?? Did any other CBCers clash with their FI/DH/SO?
Post # 3
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
@hellolittleowl: Whaaat? Go to school and go be a doctor.
Post # 4
Member
8434 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
*HUGS* Sorry you had to give up on your dreams. When I first started dating my husband, I told him under no circumstances would I ever be having kids and that if he wanted kids, he needed to go elsewhere. I think wanting/not wanting children is a dealbreaker for a lot of couples.
Post # 6
Member
3942 posts
Honey bee
Thats really sad. Dont have any advice but I hope this is a lesson to others that these discussions should happen wayyy before an engagement.
Post # 7
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
@hellolittleowl: I’m so sorry, that sucks. I can imagine what an internal conflict that would be – loving your child but also knowing it’s not what you want. (Of course you want HIM, but not this lifestyle.)
I used to think I never wanted kids, I was positive. Then something happened, and now I can’t wait! But, I still remember the feeling of like “Why would you want children?!” So I know what you mean.
Post # 8
Member
7307 posts
Busy Beekeeper
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I put myself through college while being a flat broke single parent. I now bring home a good 6 figure income and feel totally satisfied in my career, and I have a pretty freaking awesome kid, too. What, exactly, is preventing you from going to school to achieve your dreams? It may be hard at times, but the struggle to make it work is worth it.
Post # 9
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee
@hellolittleowl: Who says you can’t be a doctor? I know plenty of friends who are female doctors with kids.
I understand you are unhappy, but work with what you have now. Sit down with your husband, explain you feel trapped and want to go back to school, and work out a daycare plan.
Post # 10
Member
9 posts
Newbee
@QueenOfSerendip: YES. THIS EXACTLY!!! Now there is no way I could give up my child and I’m happy he’s mine. And obviously this is my life now, so no changing it haha! But it is conflicting as well… but I know if I had never had him, I wouldn’t have missed him because I wouldn’t have known it was “him” – you know?
I’m glad you’re excited for your baby!
@Bostongrl25: Agreed. I still love my husband and he loves me and this won’t break us up, but we definitely swept it under the rug.
@Treeline: I guess I feel I have greater responsibilities now. I couldn’t handle med school and a child. Time, money etc.. And like I said in my original post – I didn’t want kids so I could focus on my career with no guilt. I know I couldn’t work those 80 hour weeks as a med student and not have guilt for leaving my kid at home. It was one or the other for me…
Post # 11
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
I am not sure why you think you cant go to school and still be a doctor if that is your dream? Is it a financial barrier?
Not all doctors work crazy hours. What kind of doctor did you want to be?
Post # 12
Member
3942 posts
Honey bee
@hellolittleowl: You might not want to do med school now, but there are plenty of other things you can do to help you feel more fulfilled. Like going back to get your bachelors, or working on a different carerr path in the medical field that wont require 80 hour weeks.
Post # 13
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
@hellolittleowl: But your kid is a toddler now, pretty soon he will be at school full time where you won’t be watching him anyways. Med school takes a while to get through, he won’t need a mother at home forever.
Post # 14
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
My mother came to Canada with no knowledge of English, had two babies that she was left alone with for six months a year as my dad works overseas, with no family and no friends for support , and did her undergraduate degree and then became a doctor (While still being an amazing mom i might add ). Where there is a will there is a way – you can still do it!
Post # 15
Member
9 posts
Newbee
@ThreeMeers: ha, a surgeon! I said this in my post just above yours, but it is a few things – definitely financial now! And time. I couldn’t handle the courseload of med school with a kid at home. I’m not making excuses or trying to sound defensive – it’s just that I knew even before getting married it would be one or the other for myself personally: family or career.
Post # 16
Member
9 posts
Newbee
@Bostongrl25: true. I’m actually working to get into nursing school right now.
