Post # 1
Fiance and I decided towards the beginning of our relationship that we didn’t want kids. I have a few medical issues, and he does as well. It’s easier on us to remain ‘just us’ for the rest of our lives. I was happy with the decision, as was he. We are still happy with that decision.
I have been terrified to tell my parents until this point, because my father always brings up ‘when we have a family’, as if it’s a necessary thing that will be taking place in the future. My mom did the same.
Today, however, my Mom was talking to me about children, and I just blurted out, “We don’t want kids. We aren’t having any.” She paused for a minute and I was afraid of how she’d respond. This is what I got, “That’s fine. If you don’t want kids, you don’t have to have them. We wouldn’t love you any less. Kids are expensive!” And then she laughed. I knew the last part was just a joke, but I felt a wave of relief wash through me. I don’t have to explain myself anymore! She knows we don’t want kids! That part is out of the way! He still has to tell his parents (however, he has always known he didn’t want kids and has told them this before).
I am so relieved. 🙂
We aren’t married yet; that’s happening next June, but I feel so much better. Now that she knows, there won’t be the ‘when are you two having a baby?’ questions, from immediate family at least.
This is not intended to be a discussion about why someone chooses to be CBC or not, etc. This is just a post wondering how someone that is CBC told their family/friends.
What were your parents’ reactions to being CBC? When did you decide to tell them?
Post # 3
I was with my exhusband from the ages of 18-32 and we were childfree by choice. We were really clear about our decision but people really didn’t believe us. Either that, or they think we are kidding. EVERYONE will say “oh, you’ll change your mind” and if you’re young, there is a huge chance you will. Do what you want and you don’t even need to talk about your choices if you don’t want to 😉
Post # 4
My mom sometimes teases me about giving her grandchildren. She used to be serious but someone she knew died (fairly young too), she said she was just wanted me to be safe and has kept remarks to herself except the occasional tease. But I would always just tell her no. I started saying that just about once I hit 9th grade so it was never a matter of “coming out” or anything. But, if anyone sees my recents posts on the matter, I’m starting to change my mind (but not ready to switch it up on my mom… or even quite talk to SO about it yet) so it’s been hard to keep my answers vague when the topic comes up!
Post # 5
Me and Fiance haven’t really decided yet if we want kids (we have plenty of time, he’s 28 this year and I’m 27 this year) and my parents have always been fine with it. I know they’d love grandkids, but have always been open that being a parent is a very big committment and they completely understand if it is not one I wish to take on. I am blessed that they will respect my choice either way: if I have grandkids, they will spoil them to death, if I don’t, they will accept it and be fine with it.
Post # 6
My folks found out pretty early that I didn’t want to have my own kids. I had cancer at 16 and was advised to harvest eggs if I wanted a chance at children but I choose not to because I already knew I didn’t want them. It hasn’t ever been a big deal in my family.
Darling Husband had a similar discussion with his folks after he broke up with a long time girlfried because she changed her mind on the kids front. He said he couldn’t be with someone who wanted kids and didn’t want to regret being a relationship that one person wasn’t happy about. His parents seem fine with it as well.
But I think it helps that we both have siblings who have kids. Not sure what the support might have been like if either one of us was an only child.
But as @the boss of you: said there will always be people that don’t believe you, say you will change your mind (when you grow up/meet the right man = annoying) or just wont understand why. or worse throw their own baby at you every chance they get to try and change your mind (because that works).
Just be true to yourself 🙂
Post # 7
“He had a vasectomy.” That about covered it.
Post # 8
I had no problem telling my mother that I’d rather remove my own kidney with a plastic spork than be anybody’s mom. She already thinks I’m a weirdo so my lack of maternal instinct is just kind of par for the course.
Fiance on the other hand is going to go with the less is more approach with his family. He said that when he told his conservative Mormon family that he was an atheist it was like telling them that somebody had died. They are still is denial about it and still invite him to church all the time. They still sent missionaries to his house right up until 3 years ago, a full ten years after he told them he was atheist. So when it comes to the whole CBC thing he figures he will just make non-committal statements like “we don’t want any right now” and just leave off the part where we don’t want any kids now or ever.
Post # 9
@StefLovesJamie: My mom teared up and asked if I was serious. She then compared me to her crazy sister who never wanted any either.
Post # 10
My fiance and I used to be unsure about kids, and actually, when we first started dating, he thought he might want them. Somewhere along the line, we came to realize with more firmament that kids were not part of our vision of our future together. The point being that there wasn’t one moment of us telling our parents we want to be CBC, but rather a progression with discussions to match.
My parents have been very accepting, though I think they’re a bit sad because my brother (my only other sibling) is also CBC, so they have to accept that they may never have grandkids. My fiance’s mother accepts our choice as well, however, his father is absolutely convinced we’ll change our minds. He really, really, really wants grandchildren, and it doesn’t help that both his brothers recently became grandfathers (he’s from a competitive family).
And for when anybody else asks when we’re going to have kids anymore, my answer has gradually degraded from an explanation to just, “No babies!”
Post # 11
My plan would be to just not bother mentioning it. Just say something like “in the future” or “we’ll see what God had in store for us” and by the time we are older like 45-50, it will be fairly obvious its not happening for us.
I can’t say for sure we are CBC but this is how I’d handle it.
Post # 12
I’ve mentioned over the last 3-4 years or so that I probably won’t want kids. People seemed to take it in stride–I’m not sure if thats because I left room for possibility and they think we’ll change our minds, or because I mention it with enough frequencfy that they just “get it.”
Post # 13
We’re haven’t made up our minds for sure yet, so we’re just not going to say anything. I would probably just not say anything when we’re certain, but Mother-In-Law talks about it quite a bit. More jokingly than anything, but there are times when it gets on my nerves, especially right now as I’ve been going for a bunch of medical testing, have a condition where it would be dangerous for me and the baby to get pregnant, and am on medication where every time I see my specialist he stresses the fact about how it can cause serious birth defects or a miscarriage so I can’t get pregnant while taking it.
lol So basically, it’s just a reminder of health crap that has been stressing me out when Mother-In-Law brings it up. I may get Darling Husband to talk to her about it.
Post # 14
Darling Husband and I are 25 and 26, and we have decided we are going to be child-free. We just happened to bring it up to them, individually, as soon as they mentioned children. I’d say we talked to both sets of parents just shy of 2 months before our wedding. My Darling Husband wasn’t worried at all about the reactions, yet I was terrified of what his family would say. Mine, not so much. Our parents’ responses to our decision were strikingly different. My parents: “We’re very glad the two of you came to this mutual decision before marriage” and then (jokingly) said, “This could be a good thing, we’ll be too tired to run around with children anyway.” They support our decision fully, and know that my entire life, I have never had the desire to be a mother. My DH’s parents (MIL particularly), keeps saying we will change our minds. No, we won’t. She says to everyone in the family, “we need to work on Sarah”. Wish that were a joke, ugh. I know that deep down, she isn’t fully convinced that her son has always felt the same way as I, and ultimately thinks he will be missing out on fatherhood due to “my choice”. Sometimes, you just can’t get through to some people 🙂 oh well. We have 2 nieces and a nephew, and are perfectly content.