(Closed) Ceremony and Legal Marriage on different days?

posted 5 years ago in Ceremony
  • poll: Ceremony and legal marriage split date - what do you think?
    Bad idea - please explain : (11 votes)
    39 %
    Go for it! : (17 votes)
    61 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    9954 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Possibly… Only if you tell them.

    Honestly I don’t get WHY in this particular situation you’d want to marry 2x (but that is your choice / business) as there is no super important reason to do so…

    Deployment – Health Issue – Insurance Coverage Needed – Visa Required etc

    (People tend to understand those reasons… not so much that you snuck off and got married a week ago, but are “pretending” to be not married… so you can have the BIG Wedding now)

    Honestly…

    Why not just marry on the Saturday, and then you’ll have 2 great dates to celebrate…

    That is what I did with my first marriage.

    In the same month we had…

    The Day we met – The Day we started Dating – The Day we got Engaged – and The Day we Married… not all in that clean and neat order as they happened Years 1 thru 4

    But it was fun the first few years we were married, to have so many things to celebrate

    Mind you, after awhile we didn’t make as big a deal of the first two… (no cards) but we’d comment… “Hey x years ago tomorrow was the day we met”

    This time round…

    Mr TTR have our Dating Anniversary – our Engagement Anniversary – and our Wedding Day (all different months).  And it works for us.  Like I said, more to celebrate… afterall life is like that the longer you are with someone you LOVE… then naturally you should have more to celebrate.

    At least that is my take on it.

     

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    1784 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I don’t think it’s a big deal.  But I also live in a country where it’s the norm for the legal stuff and the ceremony to be on different days (can’t actually have a ceremony unless you’re legally married), so I know my point of view isn’t the majority on the Bee.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1480 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2015

    I think as long as you tell everyone, and it’s not some huge secret, it is totally fine. I’ve actually been contemplating this myself – not for anniversary purposes but so we could go on a honeymoon before we have full time jobs and have to worry about getting time off.

    Post # 6
    Member
    13082 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I would be offended if you lied to me and pretended that the second ceremony (a vow renewal) was the actual wedding.  It actually happened in my family once, and people were furious – to the point that many cancelled actually going to the wedding because they were mad about being deceived.  I think starting off a marriage on a lie is a bad idea.

    If you’re going to tell people, then bill it as a vow renewal after your marraige ceremony at the courthouse on the date you want.  You only get one marriage ceremony, though – so the one at the courthouse IS your ceremony, and after the fact, it’s a vow renewal.

    Post # 7
    Member
    207 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I don’t think you should go out of your way not to tell your guests, but there is no need for you to shout from the rooftop that the ceremony won’t actually be legal.

    A lot of people do this for many different reasons. We have to do it as we are having a Destination Wedding in Thailand which would mean the wedding wouldnt be legally recognised in other countries. So we have to get legally married in Australia beforehand.

    Most of our guests know this is happening, but as I said – we wont be going out of our way to remind people the ceremony they are attending isn’t legal.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1784 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @abbie017:  Is it technically a vow renewal if you didn’t say any vows during the legal paperwork?

    Post # 9
    Member
    13082 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @Jabberwocky:  I use the term “vow renewal” because I wouldn’t call it a wedding ceremony, since there already was a ceremony, technically, when the legal marriage was conducted.  There isn’t a better term than “vow renewal” that I could come up with that isn’t offensive, yet doesn’t make it seem as though the second celebration is a wedding ceremony.

    Post # 10
    Member
    9954 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

     TO @Jabberwocky:  …

    Personally I see doing legal paperwork a bit differently from actually getting married.  One is required in some Jurisdictions by the Authorities / Government, and happens prior to a couple taking / saying vows.

    So that the Government recognizes the union between the two individuals (intent to marry).

    Altho those people are “technically” married on paper… they never really vowed anything out-loud to one another… which to me anyhow is what I think most people recognize as a Wedding Ceremony.

    In Canada, and much of North America the Government Required Paperwork, isn’t actually signed into effect until after one takes those vows.

    So to me at least that makes it different.

    I think that you say your vows once… and that is the Wedding Ceremony.  If you say them again… then that is a Vow Renewal.

    Pretty straight forward at least in my mind’s eye.

    I also think this is the way that most North Americans look at the difference between being Legally Married and having a Wedding.  One is recognized by the State, one is recognized by the community (friends, family, society) etc.

    They aren’t the same thing… but they do go hand in hand.

    Hope this helps,

    EDIT TO ADD – When I was married the first time, it was here in Canada (Province of Quebec).  Right after the Ceremony you sign the Church Registry that legally registers the marriage… and also the Wedding Certificate… which is now yours to keep.  So the whole process Vows / Ceremony & Legal Marriage was completed in one action.

    When I married this time round… we did so in Florida.  We signed the Marriage License BEFORE we were married… it giving us “permission to marry” in the State of Florida.  Then we had a Wedding Ceremony.  And altho we were “married” in our sense of the word, I honestly didn’t feel the cycle was completed until I received my Wedding Certificate back in the mail from the Courthouse about 1 month later.  The interim was sort of strange for me… I felt like there had been a Wedding… but I was truly unsure of our “legal” status until that piece of paper showed up.

    I imagine that if I signed the Paperwork, without a Wedding Ceremony… exchange of Vows / Words… I wouldn’t feel much married either.

    This scenario tho is completely different from the one the OP has described as I understand it.  They plan to have a Wedding Ceremony at the Courthouse and then another one a few days later for their friends & family.  So ya, they want to get married 2x in my mind… saying their vows to one another twice… some how pretending that the first one didn’t happen ???

     

    Post # 11
    Member
    1304 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I don’t think your reason is strong enough.  Your hand isn’t being forced by logistics.  This is just a preference.  Are you going to lie about your anniversary to your friends and family for the rest of your life?

    Post # 13
    Member
    2286 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: Central Park

    Why not just plan it for March 2015 instead?

    Post # 14
    Member
    839 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, but you might make sure your church will allow it. I spontaneous know what religion you guys are, but some won’t allow a ceremony unless you aren’t actually married yet, and sometimes it’s just up to the priest/pastor/preacher. I had two friends were go to our church (Catholic) and they wanted to do this too (for different reasons) and our priest wouldn’t allow it. so you definitely might want to check because you don’t want to out yourself in a bad situation. Other than that, I don’t think it’s a big deal.

     

    ETA: While  I don’t think it’s a big deal to have your legal marriage and ceremony on different days, I wouldn’t do it unless you’re planning on telling everyone. As a PP said, are you going to lie about your anniversary forever? I don’t think your reason is strong enough, either, but ultimately it’s your decision.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1513 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @LilliePad:  hm… the priest should have allowed it. Fiance and i are doing 2 ceremonies, a secular legal one, and a religous one in the catholic church the next day. it’s called a convalidation.  as long as you go through the catholic wedding hoops there is no reason to deny them!

    our situation is slightly different from OP because we are inviting everyone to the ceremony that will legally marry us and thats first. all are welcome to ceremony 2 though, and for those who are invested in religion, the ceremony shouldnt hold less meaning just b/c its not “legal”. still i think i agree just wait a year if that date is so important to you, or have a few anniversaries to celebrate. why risk stirring up drama when you dont need to?

    Post # 16
    Member
    8449 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I say go for it, but to me ceremony and paperwork are not the same thing.  Maybe some people see the legal paperwork as the ceremony?  Seems like a very bureaucratic way to view a wedding though.

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