Post # 1
I wrote this post 2 weeks ago under a secret name because I didn’t want Fiance reading it. Looking back on it there is nothing in there that he doesn’t know. (Read it if you want more background on what’s been going on)
So, his mother has still not given up on the idea of a church wedding. Earlier this week he talked to her and she cried about this again. It seems that he didn’t really explain the convalidation part to his mom so we are going to sit down with them tomorrow to talk about this.
I am so nervous. I could barely sleep last nigh, I woke up this morning thinking about this and all day yesterday I was stressed out and crying about it. I will NOT be pushed into something I don’t want to do but at the same time I want to keep the relationship I have with his family.
Here is what irks me, his mom just wants a church wedding, be it a Catholic church or Orthodox church (my family is Orthodox, I am absolutely not/atheist). So I am starting to think that all she really cares about is appearances and that her friends see us get married in a church, it’s not the act itself because convalidation would fulfill that, it’s just that she wants everyone to see us get married in a church.
Bees, I am absolutely unwilling to budge on this any further and I am at a loss of what we’ll do if his mom keeps pushing this. One of the big reasons why I hate churches and everything to do with them is because I grew up in a war, I saw lives ripped apart all in the name of someone’s god. There is nothing in this world that will change my view on this, as nothing can change what happened and what is still going on today all around the world.
Any tips or ideas on how I should deal with this tomorrow? I told Fiance that if she is still against the convalidation that I am fine with no wedding at all. After all she’s had no problem with us living together for the past 2 years so there should be no problem if we continue to do so forever (or just go and make it legal).
By The Way, everyone on the other thread was super helpful in calming me down. I’ve been re-reading all the responses today trying to believe that all of this is going to be ok.
Post # 3
Just tune her out if she won’t listen. It’s not HER wedding. It’s yours. I ran into this a little bit with my family and being firm (and repeating “We will not get married in a church” as needed) did the trick. Good luck!
Post # 4
Why would you cancel your wedding because she wants you to do something you don’t want to? I understand that it’s his mother, but this is the start of your life as a married couple and the start of your family. Her guidance can be excepted, but you need to do what makes you happy. I wouldn’t let her get her way or control the situation now. You may end up with a controlling Mother-In-Law for your whole life if you let her push you into this now. Stand up for what you want and make sure Fiance stands firm with you. (((hugs)))
Post # 5
@mwitter80: Quite honestly I’ve been really stressed out about the wedding in general and from day one told Fiance that I don’t even care about having a wedding. There is nothing to cancel since nothing is booked. Although my parents would be unhappy since they were willing to pay for a large chunk of it.
Post # 6
It sounds like you know what you want to do and I commend you for standing your ground. I didn’t read the other thread in it’s entirety but I’m not sure why you need to discuss this with her at all? The decision is yours (you and your FI) to make and it has been made. I wouldn’t even talk with her about it. If you tell her you’ve decided not to marry in a church and that you don’t want to discuss it and change the topic to something else, and she keeps coming back to it honestly I would back off from seeing her all together.
Post # 7
@Ms. Martian: Well then lady if you don’t want one don’t have one! it doesn’t matter what your parents want either. Now is the time to start standing up for yourself! Have a small Destination Wedding or a courthouse ceremony and call it day! Good luck either way!
Post # 8
It’s all about YOU!!! Do what YOU want!!! 🙂 Much love to you! 🙂
Post # 9
@mwitter80: The Destination Wedding is a huge possibility right now and my parents are happy with that (they don’t particularly care about the wedding, they just want to see us get married). Both of us are people pleasers I guess, we just want everyone to be happy with the situation but obviously there are limits.
Post # 10
@Ms. Martian: That’s tough, I just read the other post. I think my only advice is to really stand your ground, this is your and your FI’s day after all. Is Fiance on your side? How does he feel about all of this? It is a tough decision but it’s yours to make and not your Future Mother-In-Law. I understand that you don’t want to ruin the relationship you have with her but it’s still your decision, she should be able to respect you for making it.
Post # 11
So I kinda see where your Future Mother-In-Law is coming from. My family is super traditionl in the “has to be in a church” wedding. BUT, at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is what YOU and your Fiance want.
My cousin recently got married and his Fiance is not Catholic and they were married outside on a golf course. Was his mom happy? No, she was not. But it wasn’t her wedding, it was theirs.
No matter what you do, someone is going to criticize your choices and voice disapproval. You and your Fiance need to make a decision together and stand your ground.
I don’t really think that meeting with your Future Mother-In-Law is going to help things. It sounds like she just wants an audience and will cry to try to get her way. I would just have your Fiance tell her that you guys have made a decision and that she will need to accept it in her own time.
Post # 12
@Ms. Martian: ((hugs)) Ugh hon that sucks. My dad is uber Catholic, and while I’m sure he would have loved to see me get married in a church, he respects the fact that we have differing viewpoints on religion and we have a healthy “agree to disagree” relationship on that area. This wedding is about you and Darling Husband, and if you two stick together as a team for what you want as a couple, then your Future In-Laws are just going to have to live with it. Being a people pleaser makes you a sensitive and generous person, but sometimes it can turn you into a human doormat (trust me I know) and there comes a point where you have to stand up for yourself and not get bullied into what someone else wants! You have to put yourself first every now and then, and I think this is one of those times. You don’t want to look back on this in 20 years and wonder why you ever agreed to a wedding you hated.
Post # 13
@couawilou: FI is a total people pleaser, he wants all of us to be happy but he knows I’m #1 here. He has never told his mom that I’m the one who wants this ceremony, he’s happy with the arrangement as well and just tells her it’s his idea.
@PinkPinstripes: the meeting was actually our idea. It just seems like there’s been a lot of misunderstanding on her side (she is old and doesn’t comprehend the best sometimes) and it seemed better to just talk in person instead of over the phone.
@bakerella: Oh how I would love if she could just ‘agree to disagree’. I think one problem is that I have never complained about going to church with them or praying before dinner so she has just assumed that this would happen. I just need to remind Fiance that this isn’t the end of the world for his mom, she’s just acting like it.
Thanks you so much everyone!!! You have no idea how much this has helped. I love WB!!
So the plan tomorrow is to tell her what we’re doing and if she protests we will remind her that it’s our wedding, our decision and one that’s been made already. Then ignore, ignore, ignore. Restate and ignore. Repeat. Also, remind myself to be calm because once you get me angry it’s not a pretty sight!
Post # 14
I think a Destination Wedding would be a good option for you. I don’t understand when people, even family think the wedding should be their way. It’s not YOUR wedding, back off!! Mother-In-Law really wanted us married in a church too. She’s not even that religious, I think it was more about appearances, all of DH’s cousins were married in a church. I never pictured myself getting married in a church, always outside in the summer. She wasn’t thrilled but we refused to budge on it. Once we booked the venue there wasn’t much she could say or do. Be strong! Do not give in. Have the wedding you want. My friend is a pastor’s daughter and her father married them. Even she didn’t get married in a church and no one had an issue with this.
Post # 15
Why is she even a part of the conversation? It isn’t her wedding. It isn’t her life. It isn’t her decision to make.
Post # 16
Sounds like you have a plan, just stick to it! Be very firm but gentle. Maybe if she presses, say something like, “I would really appreciate it if you allowed us to get married the way we want. I think I deserve it, since I don’t follow your beliefs but have gladly gone to church when asked, and pray before meals without any resistance. Could you please meet me half way on this?” Or something like that. It might help her realize the sacrifices you have made, and be more willing to give in gracefully.