CFBC Bees, How did you meet your SO? Were you both CFBC then? Are you both now?

posted 1 year ago in No Kids
  • poll: How did you find yourself in a CFBC relationship?
    I sought out a CFBC partner and found it : (6 votes)
    16 %
    I was CFBC and he or she became CFBC too : (4 votes)
    11 %
    He or she was CFBC and I followed suit : (1 votes)
    3 %
    I am CFBC and he or she is on the fence : (2 votes)
    5 %
    He or she is CFBC and I am on the fence : (1 votes)
    3 %
    We are both on the fence : (10 votes)
    27 %
    One of us has kids and the other is not having any kids in this relationship : (8 votes)
    22 %
    Other: explain : (5 votes)
    14 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    1361 posts
    Bumble bee

    For me it was by chance.  I was CFBC but in a lackadaisical way.  It’s like the thought of having kids was SOOOOO far from my mind that I didn’t even realize I was CFBC.  Kids were just not part of my consciousness.  But being child free was also not really part of my consciousness.  Was not part of my identity.  Hard to explain. 

    When I started dating my husband the subject of kids must have come up at some point and we were both just like, “nope”.  And that was that.

    I didn’t realize how lucky that was until later.  When child free did become part of my identity.  I realized how lucky I was to just stumble into a like minded partner without even thinking about it.  

    Post # 3
    Member
    10675 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    This was one time when being an Elder Statesbee worked to my advantage.  When I went back into the dating pool after divorcing my ex, most of the guys I met had kids who were close to grown.  And not interested in becoming new parents again.

    I knew since childhood that I never wanted kids.  For most of my adult life, marriage wasn’t really on my mind, so dating guys with or without kids didn’t make any difference to me as long as they didn’t try to drag me into kid stuff.  My longest relationship was with a no kids guy.  But, I never seriously considered marrying him.

    Dh has two sons, both grown adults.  The older son is in a long term relationship with a wonderful woman who is a bit older than he.  They have mutually decided they are forever, but marriage is not what they want, and no kids.  Which means—no grandkids!

    The younger son is much more socially awkward.  We’re not out of the woods on the grandkids thing yet, but we are optimistic.

    In any case, they live on the other side of the country.

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    372 posts
    Helper bee

    I have always known that I was not keen to have children. I’ve just never had that instinct.  I met my husband online and in his profile he stated that he did not want children and so I knew how he felt upfront. We are now married and have an active and full life. Children just dont fit into it. I too, realize how lucky we are that we have found eachother. We have similar views on what our lives will look like long term, and we have just enough room for fur babies and not much more. It suits us just fine. But I also feel like we have a lot more friends who seem to childless as well. I think there may be several people out there who are starting to make that choice. You’re next match is out there!

    Post # 5
    Member
    2139 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    countingstars :  well… seeing as you just broke up with your current SO recently VIA TEXT… I’d probably let the dust settle a bit.

    My CFBC friend used Match and eHarmony to be able to include the “no kids” filter. She was still receiving messages from men who were interested in kids “someday” or “maybe” etc… but she would just message back and tell them no thank you she is absolutely no kids.

    but since you are so great at handling that situation given your recent board you should make sure to say, “No thank you sir. I am not interested. If I even have a hunch that one day you may want children I will break up with you immediately via text… not giving you a chance to respond or have the proper closure a relationship deserves.”

    Post # 6
    Member
    9044 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I was just very open about being CFBC and I didn’t date anyone who was on the fence or who wanted kids. Was it tougher on the dating scence being CFBC, sure was but this was over 10 years ago when being openly CFBC was way less common and society had an even bigger stick up it’s arse about being CFBC, particularily women being CFBC. I think it is a lot easier today since it is somewhat more accepted and dating platforms are inclusive of CFBC (there are things like CFBC speed dating and the option to select childfree/no kids on dating sites).

    I also think that as you get older and the dating pool shrinks it is easier to find men who truly are CFBC because well like you they have wasted time with incompatible partners.

    I met my husband in a pub. I saw him, observed how he interacted with others and decided I liked the cut of his gib so went over, introduced myself and said I didn’t want to interrupt his night (he was there celebrating a friends milestone) but wanted to give him my number before I left. He rang the next day and the rest is history.

    Post # 7
    Member
    6600 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Both my husband and I kind of turned CFBC together. We were HS sweethearts and it was always “oh yeah maybe in the future..” for kids. But once we got older, bought our house, etc we realized we just don’t really want them. I’m glad it worked out for us that way haha. I think we are lucky in that sense. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    422 posts
    Helper bee

    Maybe look for older men? My friend is single in her late 30s and WANTS to have kids, but every guy she meets in that age range seems to be CFBC. Lots of them have even had vasectomies. No question where they stand there!

    Post # 9
    Member
    11650 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    Mod here.

    Bees, we are getting flags on comments in this thread. please drop the previous threads from mention in this thread. It’s one thing to bring up previous posts for context, but don’t continue to bring them up for no reason when a poster is asking for help.

    Thanks!

    Post # 10
    Member
    3560 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    countingstars :  met Darling Husband via crossfit (we were part of a larger friend group). i was CFBC, he thought he’d have kids but it turned out to be very much a “that’s just how life goes” assumption. meet a woman, get married, have a family, etc. once friends/family actually started popping out babies and he saw firsthand what having children was like (the reality and not the unicorns and rainbows view that social media gives), he realized he was totally content to be the cool uncle. he’s adamantly CFBC now.

    Post # 11
    Member
    165 posts
    Blushing bee

    SO and I started dating when we were young, 19. While growing up I think we both eventually thought we would have children because that’s what society says – marriage, house, kids, the whole thing. But as we are getting older and growing together, but both acknowledge that having children may seriously not be for us. At the same time, we realize that we do have time and we may end up changing our minds but have started to put the idea out there to some people that we don’t know if we want to have kids so it won’t seem like such a big shock to our friends/family if we don’t.

    I was actually the first one to bring the idea of not having kids up. SO was kinda like “woah, wait we have the option?” Yes, of course. I am glad he was quickly on board with the same position as me.

    Post # 12
    Member
    299 posts
    Helper bee

    My SO and I both happened to be CFBC and I’m so happy that I found him. My ex wanted kids and I felt pressured into giving them to him if we had gotten married. Once I met my current SO, its like this giant wave of relief that its okay to be CFBC and that there are men out there who choose to be as well.

    I’ve been anti-having kids for as long as I can remember, and the way my ex talked made it sound like I was being selfish by not wanting them and that it “would be fine to have just one or two” and I eventually started thinking that way too. Cannot tell you how thankful I am that relationship ended and didn’t progress any further.

    Being CFBC is a very personal decision, as is choosing to have kids, and I don’t think you can sway someone either way if they are already strongly one way. That only causes regrets and animosity towards your spouse.

    SO and I plan on being DINKs and enjoying a very comfortable life together. wink

    Post # 13
    Member
    1066 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    Not me, but my good friend. She grew up always assuming she’d have children, because that’s just what you do. She met her now-husband, and they both just kind of assumed they’d have kids someday. As their relationship went on, it was always “someday” they’d have kids, but they weren’t ready “yet.” My friend finally realized she was never going to be ready, that she loved her travels and life with her husband and didn’t want to add kids to it, and he admitted he really only would have had kids for her benefit and was perfectly happy to stay child free, so they’re now happily CFBC.

    Post # 14
    Member
    313 posts
    Helper bee

    wildflowerz :  

    My situation is exactly the same as yours. I never really thought about kids (it seemed so far in the future, even though I was mid 20s when I met my FH), but then gradually, as people around us started talking babies, we both realised we’d likely never want them. FH says that he could maaaaybe have one if it was really important to me, but he’d much prefer us to remain CFBC. 

    So basically, it was by chance. Which was incredibly lucky, because if he changed his mind, it would be a huge issue for me. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    112 posts
    Blushing bee

    I met mine doing online dating where he mentioned he’d already been fixed on his profile. I had my appointment for my sterilization surgery scheduled when we met and had it done about a month and a half after we started dating. He actually lived an hour away from me and was not initially in my search distance since I lived in Seattle and thought I should be able to find a match close to me. But I figured for a guy who was already fixed, handsome, healthy, and well-educated, I could drive an hour to see him. We started talking about marriage 8 months in, had a ring made, and got engaged just over a year after our first date. 

    I did comment on your other thread and echo my advice that one of the best things you can do to avoid fence sitters is to get fixed yourself. I have met almost no men other than my fiance who got fixed without having already had some kids first. And for CF guys who are too afraid to get snipped, they will appreciate you so much more knowing you’ve gone the necessary lengths to make sure there are no surprises, accidents, or mind-changing.

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