(Closed) CFBC – Child free by choice – DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ME!

posted 3 years ago in No Kids
Post # 16
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

ElephantAndTheFlea:  LOLOLOL Those are exactly the kinds of things I say to my FI! I have the worst puppy fever right now!

Post # 17
Member
3051 posts
Sugar bee

Lily_of_the_valley:  oh the tired thing!

I can be tired. I am allowed to be tired. I am exhausted from over working a stressful job. Maybe im tired because i was out partying all night! (not likely haha). 

I like how people laugh and roll their eyes. Like its a physical feeling that you cannot feel until you have kids. Maybe im not as tired as you – doesnt mean im not. I like my naps. I like to sleep in. Thats why i dont have kids (yet. at all – not sure).

I think if it happens we would be happy. We would be great parents. But i dont know if i ever see us actively choosing to give up our lifestyle. It sounds selfish – maybe it is. I think kids are cute and i enjoy taking my nieces and nephews places, but when i drop them off at the endof the day i am SO thankful to be able to hand them off. 

Just last week i had a friend (who is currently 8 months pregnant and uncomfortable so I am sure a lot of this was coming from that) who had been trying (active choice of no protection) for 6 months and then last week she told me she wish she would have waited to have kids and that she got a little wrapped up on house, marriage, kids goals. She cant travel anymore etc. And i felt bad for her. I of course responded with the “It will be so worth it! You can travel again soon and leave baby with grandparents. dont worry etc.” but it just reinforced that is how i would probably feel. 

 

Post # 18
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

Lily_of_the_valley:  

Tell parents that you feel sorry for them. 

If a new mom takes shots at you for being childfree, ask her how she is enjoying her post partum diaper. 

Post # 19
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Thank you! We’re the same. Not that I don’t like kids; I can’t wait to become an aunt. I just don’t want to… keep them. Never had the urge, never had baby fever or the like. I just don’t get that squealy, dopey ‘Ooh a BABY!!’ when I see one. 

Now, put a puppy in front of me, and it’s a different story. We have our two dogs, and that’s enough for us.

And I also hate the backhanded comments. And the plain old mean comments. After my brother got engaged last year, I literally had a someone say to me ‘Now your parents can get some REAL grandchildren’. Meaning not just our dogs, who my parents love, thank you very much!  

Ugh. People. 

Post # 20
Member
1592 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

One of my best friends is CFBC whereas I want kids one day. I find it so ridiculous that nobody ever tells me “you may want kids now, but in the future, you’ll change your mind…”, whereas she gets that comment all the time about not wanting children. Then they try to convince her to get a dog, because “you’ll love it so much it’ll make you want children”. She also does not want pets! People can be seriously disrespectful of others’ choices.

Post # 21
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

I want kids but I hear you! Society is so rude to single women and women without children. We should all respect each others choices, not just the “conventional” ones. 

Post # 22
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Lily_of_the_valley:  Ugh… I will never understand why people feel so comfortable analysing other people’s decisions and pushing their own preferences, especially when it comes to something as incredibly personal as having children. 

I hope to start a family with Darling Husband sometime soon. I’ve spent many many hours thinking of all the possibilities of a child-free lifestyle and seriously contemplated going that route, but at the end of the day I think I just want kids more. I just have that back-of-the-mind feeling that makes the other details less relevant. Why is it so hard for some people to understand that someone else could have the exact same feeling about not having children? Why is the reverse considered to be a ‘mistake’ or a ‘shame’? I have a few friends who do not plan on having children and some of the reactions they’ve experienced from friends, family, and strangers astound and sadden me. 

At the end of the day I think it’s sad people spend so much time judging others or trying to bring them down to make themselves feel better, especially when it comes to such a personal issue. I’ve said this before on the Bee but I’ll say it again: I seriously hope that our generation is changing attitudes so that in the future the question people ask themselves is ‘will I have children?’ and not ‘when will I have children?’. Gone are the days where procreating was the be all and end all. I hope everyone can start to recognise this topic for what it actually is, which is a lifestyle choice with no wrong answer. 

Post # 23
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

I’m in my late 20s and I hate how people act like my life sucks because I do not have kids. My fiance and I love being CFBC. We like kids for a small period of time but overall we have no interest in being parents! It’s not weird. It’s completely normal just like wanting kids is normal. I wish people would realize being a parent is a CHOICE just like being CF is a choice.

Post # 24
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

Miss_Mae:  I love you and your comment. I feel like there’s nothing wrong with wanting kids just like there’s nothing wrong with not having kids. People need to understand this and stop acting like wanting or not wanting kids is a sin against humanity. It’s frustrating.

Post # 25
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - The Lodge at Little Seneca Creek

I’m 28 and getting married next year. Neither my Fiance nor I want kids, and I’ve never wanted kids. In fact, I never pursued long-term relationships with anyone who wanted kids because it was that important to me. Don’t get me wrong; I LOVE kids (so much that I’m a middle school teacher), but I don’t want my own. I’ve never had that maternal instict. My fiance and I are perfectly happy with our cat and love having the freedom and flexibility to travel and focus on our professional and personal goals.

Post # 26
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Lily_of_the_valley:  TOTALLY relate to this. It is annoying as F.

After always thinking I’d want kids, I had a HUGE change of heart in my early 20s. Now in my early 30s I cannot fathom having them & truly believe some of the most joy-inducing things present in my life right now would NOT have been attainable for me had I had kids at any point in the last decade.

My kneejerk reaction to people talking about their kids or seeing them interacting with their kids….would be ME feeling sorry for THEM. At best, hearing stories about kids or being around them bores me to tears and at worst it actually disgusts or appalls me.

HOWEVER….While I could easily go on to think or say wow, they SEEM happy but man, i feel SO sorry for them!! Look at all of this awesomeness I have in my life that they will just NEVER KNOW because they chose to have kids!! …would I say that? No.

Would I be so presumptious as to ACTUALLY feel “sorry” for them?? Um no, because I’m not so self involved that it doesn’t occur to me that different people draw joy from different things. Somehow I can wrap my mind around the concept that just because I have a DEEPLY convicted sense of where true happiness and contentment comes from, that does not mean everyone else can or will attain it the same way I will.

It’s almost disturbing how vocal some people can be about this. Why is that??? Why is the topic of children suddenly some free pass for people to get so personal and judgmental??

When applied to something trivial, the concept sounds so crazy. For example: I live in California and LOVE it, but do I “feel sorry” for people who live in New York, even if they claim to love it? No! They probably DO love it and if they weren’t happy, they’d move. Maybe I’ll never understand “how” anyone could love living in that environment, but that’s where it ends. I feel no need to evaluate how happy they REALLY are with their living situation or insist that someday they will realize that California is better and pack up and move.

Why can’t people just be happy with their own choices and speak positively about them without also having to make the leap further into saying people who don’t make those same choices must not be as happy?? 

People get so crazy about this topic it makes me wonder if they are overcompensating or trying to convince themselves of something….

Post # 28
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

Lily_of_the_valley:  I understand exactly how you feel. I’ve taken a few tests, only out of fear, and sighed with relief. Ive only ever worked with kids for jobs, and after changing diapers for 14 years, I’m not looking forward to doing it all day and all night. All day is bad enough. At least with this kids I can send them home… 

ElephantAndTheFlea:  Bahahaha. I tell people all the time they need a dog in their life… especially after they tell me I need kids. My response? I can kennel a dog if they’re bad, I can leave them home alone, they can walk shortly after birth, they are just so much more useful than children! 

Post # 29
Member
2358 posts
Buzzing bee

Lily_of_the_valley:  I think most women go through this. I said at 13 I didnt want kids. I’m 40 now and you know what…no kids! I have always been very vocal about my decision, you almost have to be, as much as that sucks.  When people are like, oh you might have an accident I said, oh there are ways to fix that. I think when I was 35 people finally stopped bothering me about it.

Post # 30
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

Lily_of_the_valley:  i think it’s just basic human self-centerdness to assume that what makes you happy would make all other humans happy.

i have gotten pitying remarks and reactions for sure, i just chalk it up to human self-centerdness. most people aren’t very introspective so they don’t know why they feel things, they just feel them and then say them.

their logic is: 1. this makes me happy 2. you don’t have this 3. you must not be happy 4. i feel bad for you. 

i just smile, nod, and go back home to my beautiful life with my husband, a cat, a kickass apartment, friends, travel, lots of free time, tons of hobbies and passions/interests, a job i like, and a steadily growing net worth. 😉

it is kind of strange though, because when i first had the realization that i could choose to not have kids, and just grow up and be a person without kids, i literally felt like i had gotten a second lease on life. it was like a huge sense of dread and a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. suddenly there was no strict timeline for finding a partner, no “have to do this now while i can”, and no spending day and night parenting. when i used to think about parenting it was like picturing the color draining away and my future narrowing to a point, when i realized i had a choice i felt like all opened up again! i thought at the time that i dreaded being an “adult” but what i was really dreading was being a parent. it’s just not a job i’d be well suited for or have any interest in! 

some people need to be parents to be happy and some people need to not be parents to be happy. at this point i don’t try to convince anyone, i just let them say their piece while they nod their heads looking sorrowfully at me, lol.  

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  mrshomemaker.

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