CFBC couple- fiance now has a nephew and rethinking decision

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - City, State

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it might be temporary and it might not. He is allowed to change his mind about having babies, that’s okay. You’re allowed to not want babies and that’s okay too. It won’t make it easier if he has changed his mind but I hope it all turns out well for you 

– my fiancé was on the fence about kids but I’m CFBC, and let him know that, he decided our relationship was more important to him than kids,  He’s thankfully not changed his mind but I worry that he might somedays. 

Post # 3
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

beetobe27 :  Have her drop the baby off for a sleepover so your fiance can tend to the baby. He can get up 3 or 4 times a night with him. Or when the baby is sick tell her to bring him over so he can watch him. I bet your fh changes his mind. It’s all great when it’s someone else’s baby and you can just up and leave or pass the baby to mom or dad when the baby get’s cranky. It is problary just a phase but to be on the safe side I would sit down and have a serious talk with him to make sure you guys are still on the same page. Better off now before you two get married. 

Post # 4
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I think its smart to have a series of calm conversations over the next months/year and see where you end up. Asking him to make a commitment today is likely to be a fools errand. It may be that this nephew has shaken his core values and he now wants kids. It may also be that the nephew put a thought in his head that is fleeting and quickly goes back out.

I am not CFBC but I got married as the parent of a 16.5 and nearly 10 year old. My fiance also had a 10 year old and in dating we both agreed we were DONE having babies. We both honestly and sincerely felt that.

As our relationship progressed he started to consider wanting a baby with me. I was firmly in the “no” camp and laughed it off as a funny thought experiment. Only then did I realize his feelings were hurt and he wasnt joking.

We had a series of in depth conversations over about 4 months. We discussed our future goals with and without more kids. What we would have to sacafice (time/money/freedom) and what we would gain.

Ultimately he convinced me and we are now happily TTC. But it could have very easily gone the other way.

The best thing you can do is have open and honest communication. If this is going to be an issue of incompatibility, its been to know now before you get married.

Post # 5
Member
8774 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

OI guess you are joking when you say ‘have them drop the baby off for a sleepover ‘. Pretty unlikely anyone would drop their newborn off for a ‘sleepover’ let alone for the purpose of demonstrating how awful it is …

 

keviah12 :  

Post # 6
Member
518 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I don’t think the watch a baby and see if you still want one is really a good test. If people were detered by how much work it is no one would have babies or get puppies. As a nanny once the baby is used to you, you are the person that the cranky baby needs to feel better or stop crying. So yes, you can pass it off when it’s not “yours” but that’s because you arnt that babies person, the one they need and feel secure with. Leaving a baby without the people it needs to feel secure and comforted for the purpose of displaying how hard having a baby is, is awful!

It’s definetly something you guys need to talk about and maybe put a hold on wedding planning till he decides what he wants out of life and the future.

One of my best friends was CFBC divorced, never in a million years would I have thought she would have kids she was the one that said it and there was no doubt in anyones mind. Her FH and her broke up for a short period over it, she decided she would have kids with him they got back together got married and just had a little girl. Life happens!

Post # 7
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

32  is young.    I don’t think any of us can tell you if this is just a phase.   He probably can’t tell you that.    In my opinion, this might be the door cracking open to the idea of having a child.   Will the door close or open all the way….only time will tell.

Post # 8
Member
6864 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I would put wedding planning on hold. I’m sorry you have to be in this position, Bee. There is no ‘right’ answer here, just what’s right for each individual–he’s allowed to change his mind and you are allowed to not change yours. It may just make the two of you incompatible life partners, something that is better to learn now than later. If you are comfortable doing so give him a bit of time to work through his new feelings. 

Post # 9
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

elderbee :  Well of course it’s a joke 

Wanted to add she is most likely breastfreeding so he wouldn’t have the correct equipment anyway wink

Post # 10
Member
765 posts
Busy bee

 

Just have him imagine looking after the lil guy for several days in a row. That includes all the ‘not so cute’ stuff like diapering, staying awake FOREVER, puking, crying, screaming, not having a life of your own, etc for a VERY, VERY long time.

  • Set his alarm for ridiculous hours in the day/night.
  • Have him cook all the time because you’ll be ideally busy with the baby (BF-ing, or whatever).
  • Don’t clean the house because it will be totally messy 90% of the time regardless of how much you tidy up.

Etc. etc… all the physical things that come with baby territory.

This is not a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ thing. It’s just ‘fact of life’ thing.

 

 

Post # 11
Member
4535 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Why is everyone making references and advising OP to setting up situations with a baby to test his dedication to if he really wants a child? That sounds so sexist and the theme seems to be he is male and therefore is so ill equipped to understand the depths of his emotions because he couldn’t possibly truly want a child because he too silly to understand what having a baby entails. 🙄

OP sorry for the rant above and sorry that you are going through this. Unfortunately this is one of those things you can’t compromise on in a relationship. I’m pretty sure your fiancé is certain of his decision and him actually addressing it with you means it’s not an off the cuff decision that he will change his mind on. Its probably what he genuinely wants deep down. To ask you to have children or have him forgo children would not be fair to either of you. 

Post # 12
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

Read the book “Baby Proof”.  It’s fiction but I think it makes some good points on this exact topic. 

Post # 13
Member
4087 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think it’s fair to assume it’s just a phase. If he decided he suddenly didn’t want kids people would be telling you to respect his feelings, and I think it goes both ways. 

Also, the newborn/baby phase is just that. A phase. Even people who want kids hate the newborn phase. It’s hardly a predictor of never wanting kids if he babysits and struggles with a baby.

I think this is potentially a very serious issue that you need to explore. Have you considered counseling? I know people throw it around ,but in this case I think it may be helpful to understand the root of his feelings. 

Post # 14
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee

cmsgirl :  How is it sexist? It’s not based on the fact he is a GUY, it’s based on the fact that he was childfree. Many childfree people of all sexes give those exact examples of why they never want to have children. 

Post # 15
Member
786 posts
Busy bee

Coming from someone staunchly CFBC, I think you need to respect his careful consideration of this very serious matter. This is not something a person can decide upon after spending a weekend with an infant or reading a book. It is a lifestyle and one that should take thoughtful contemplation, in my opinion. If he is on the fence in any way, I would absolutely consider this a time to put any wedding planning on hold. This is *THE* compatibility issue of compatibility issues and one which should be ironed-out way before anyone says “I do”. 

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