(Closed) CFBC-Do you let people know you aren't having children?

posted 3 years ago in No Kids
Post # 16
Member
1411 posts
Bumble bee

My response to most people: Well, with two horses and two dogs our family is too full as it is!

My response to my SIL from hell who- and I quote- wants us to have kids so we can be ‘as miserable as her’ and because ‘it’s not fair to spend your money on X when you could be saving to have a child’- she gets this response: “I think you’ve had enough kids to fulfill the grandchildren requirement.”

Post # 17
Member
694 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Could you say something like, “It will be awhile for us. We’ll be sure to let you know when it happens!” That way they kind of get the point  that it’s not going to be any time soon and hopefully stop asking.

Post # 19
Member
3582 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

We’re fence sitters. We are only 24 and 28, and we know we absolutely will not be having a child for at least another decade or so and possibly never. We’ve agreed that if one of us ever decides we want to be parents, we will either have/adopt one child when we’re in our mid-thirties. 

I’m vocal about it. Like PP, I cannot stand the stereotype that every woman wants children. When my in-laws were bringing it up all the time, I became frustrated with the expectation that I’d have children. I can’t stand being asked “when are you having kids?” Why can no one ever say “Do you think you’ll have kids?” Or better yet, stay out of my ovary’s business! 

For a long time, my in-laws would ask every time they’d see me. Asking ME, the woman of course — my husband’s never been asked when he wants to be a father. (Can you sense my eyeroll?) Once my standard answer became “Possibly one in ten years, but also quite possibly never” they eventually started shutting up about it. I also think I scared them one time because I was irritated and made a “joke” that my husband’s semen and my eggs are no one’s business but ours. Oops. 😜

I’ve had random people tell me it’s impossible to not have a kid, that BC isn’t that effective. I’ve been told I’ll change my mind, that women need to have children. I’ve been told I have to have one, because otherwise I’ll have no one to care for me when I’m old. I’ve been told I can’t have just one, because being an only child is horrible (I’m an only, and the people who say that never are… More eyerolling happening here).

It’s frustrating, but I hope I can at least break down the stereotypes about women and motherhood a little bit.

Post # 20
Member
694 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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bee123456789 :  Having doesn’t necessarily mean you’re biologically having them, and whether you are or aren’t, or adopt or don’t, it’s no ones business if the baby came out of your vagina or someone elses. Take back the power in the situation and just say it will be awhile. They don’t really need any more info than that unless you feel like sharing your whole reproductive/adoption plan. ETA they don’t really need ANY info unless you feel like sharing it, but if you want to say something besides, “that’s personal and none of your business” then “it will be awhile” is a nice compromise.

Post # 22
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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bee123456789 :  I haven’t had very many negative responses, but I’m also non-religious, live in nyc, and work in academia – so basically all the most liberal spheres you can imagine. The most negative responses I got were at a friend’s bachelorette in Texas (with a bunch of Texas girls) – they couldn’t fathom why I didn’t want babies. Ironically, all of them had rather dead sex lives with their SOs, while DH and I have sex 5 times a week (none of them even had babies yet!) I really wanted to tell them that they’d have a hard time conceiving all those babies they want to pop out without getting it on…

Post # 23
Member
2662 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

What business is it of theirs? Everyone seems to think they’re entitled to the details of other’s private lives. Only disclose what you’re comfortable disclosing. They can think what they want – they will anyway.

Post # 24
Member
9182 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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bee123456789 :  In general I think questions like “when are you going to have kids” or assumptive statements like “when you have kids” are rude as hell- it doesn’t matter whether you are CFBC or wanting children. Society needs to shift from this thinking as a whole, especially given how painful those questions can be for those struggling with infertility.

But as far as CFBC and getting these questions and the doubt that comes after answering honestly (no kids for us etc) well I think part of the problem is that people really don’t understand the term. I mean even in this thread people have mangled the meaning of childfree by choice. It adds to the problem of CFBC being a legitimate choice for anyone, but women especially since they get the most questions.

So when people ask I tell them straight. That we are CFBC which means we have made the decision not to have children by any means. If people are arses about it (as they can be) then I will just make a smart arse comment back like “when are you going to stop having kids”.

 

Post # 25
Member
678 posts
Busy bee

When people ask me if my SO and I are going to have kids, I just say, “no, I don’t want to be a parent,” or something along those lines. People are usually cool about it. I also am weird and unconventional, so people who know me aren’t surprised by my choice. Oddly enough, my SO gets crap from other men for not wanting kids.

Post # 27
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Because DH and I are a bit older (42 and 38 respectively), people passed a few comments when we recently got married, but for the most part, the pressure isn’t that intense.  A friend asked me a few months ago if I planned on having kids.  My answer was I wasn’t sure.  She then asked, “So, if it happens, it happens.”  I said yes, and that is the response I give.  Granted it isn’t anyone’s business but for some reason with the subject of children, IT always becomes everyone’s business lol.

I’m a very non-confrontational kind of person and I don’t like to come out and directly say I don’t want kids.  I’ve learned throughout the years saying I’m not sure or we’ll see tends to fend off most potential arguments with others.  My life, my choice.  That being said I’m sure if DH and I were 10 -15 years younger, we’d be getting a lot more slack from others.

Post # 28
Member
1908 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

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mepayne :  I’m a teacher, and I think a big contributor of the fact that I don’t want kids is BECAUSE I teach lol.  I honestly don’t know how teachers have the energy to pour into their own children after using so much on other’s children 7 hours a day.

But regarding letting other people know, I do.  There is no shame in my game, and frankly IJDGAF about the opinions of others when it comes to my reproductive rights.

Post # 29
Member
1703 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

“Thanks for sharing that information, it’ll probably come in handy if we decide we want to have children”. – I’ve used that a few times. 

When people ask “when are you having kids?” I’ll say “Ask me again in a few years”. We are pretty set on not having any, but may change our minds, who knows? 

Post # 30
Member
4950 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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stefzbee :  I’m a teacher too and I totally get it. I love my students and I do want 1-2 of my own (but I’ll probably leave the classroom or at least drop down to a part-time or assistant position when it happens), but I can understand how someone who teaches wouldn’t want their own. I can also see how, from the outside and when they don’t work with kids, people can be confused, though. 

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