Post # 16
My response to most people: Well, with two horses and two dogs our family is too full as it is!
My response to my SIL from hell who- and I quote- wants us to have kids so we can be ‘as miserable as her’ and because ‘it’s not fair to spend your money on X when you could be saving to have a child’- she gets this response: “I think you’ve had enough kids to fulfill the grandchildren requirement.”
Post # 17
Could you say something like, “It will be awhile for us. We’ll be sure to let you know when it happens!” That way they kind of get the point that it’s not going to be any time soon and hopefully stop asking.
Post # 18
I would just say that but I really don’t know if I want (bio) kids at all…unless something drastically changes so I almost feel dishonest saying that.
that’s pretty bad! My SIL is the opposite, it’s like oh we love our baby so much and can’t wait to have another, why don’t you guys feel that way too?!
Post # 19
We’re fence sitters. We are only 24 and 28, and we know we absolutely will not be having a child for at least another decade or so and possibly never. We’ve agreed that if one of us ever decides we want to be parents, we will either have/adopt one child when we’re in our mid-thirties.
I’m vocal about it. Like PP, I cannot stand the stereotype that every woman wants children. When my in-laws were bringing it up all the time, I became frustrated with the expectation that I’d have children. I can’t stand being asked “when are you having kids?” Why can no one ever say “Do you think you’ll have kids?” Or better yet, stay out of my ovary’s business!
For a long time, my in-laws would ask every time they’d see me. Asking ME, the woman of course — my husband’s never been asked when he wants to be a father. (Can you sense my eyeroll?) Once my standard answer became “Possibly one in ten years, but also quite possibly never” they eventually started shutting up about it. I also think I scared them one time because I was irritated and made a “joke” that my husband’s semen and my eggs are no one’s business but ours. Oops. 😜
I’ve had random people tell me it’s impossible to not have a kid, that BC isn’t that effective. I’ve been told I’ll change my mind, that women need to have children. I’ve been told I have to have one, because otherwise I’ll have no one to care for me when I’m old. I’ve been told I can’t have just one, because being an only child is horrible (I’m an only, and the people who say that never are… More eyerolling happening here).
It’s frustrating, but I hope I can at least break down the stereotypes about women and motherhood a little bit.
Post # 20
Having doesn’t necessarily mean you’re biologically having them, and whether you are or aren’t, or adopt or don’t, it’s no ones business if the baby came out of your vagina or someone elses. Take back the power in the situation and just say it will be awhile. They don’t really need any more info than that unless you feel like sharing your whole reproductive/adoption plan. ETA they don’t really need ANY info unless you feel like sharing it, but if you want to say something besides, “that’s personal and none of your business” then “it will be awhile” is a nice compromise.
Post # 21
that’s how we feel too. We want to enjoy married life for a LONG time before even considering it….It’s not even just comments asking about when, I already get them saying when you have children
or when you get pregnant..
like it’s just automatically assumed by everyone. That is the most selfish reason to become a parent, so you’ll have someone to take care of you. I cringe when I hear that.
that is true. I guess I recently received a lot of pregnancy related comments or questions/comments regarding biological children so it leaves me at a loss how to respond.
Post # 22
I haven’t had very many negative responses, but I’m also non-religious, live in nyc, and work in academia – so basically all the most liberal spheres you can imagine. The most negative responses I got were at a friend’s bachelorette in Texas (with a bunch of Texas girls) – they couldn’t fathom why I didn’t want babies. Ironically, all of them had rather dead sex lives with their SOs, while DH and I have sex 5 times a week (none of them even had babies yet!) I really wanted to tell them that they’d have a hard time conceiving all those babies they want to pop out without getting it on…
Post # 23
What business is it of theirs? Everyone seems to think they’re entitled to the details of other’s private lives. Only disclose what you’re comfortable disclosing. They can think what they want – they will anyway.
Post # 24
In general I think questions like “when are you going to have kids” or assumptive statements like “when you have kids” are rude as hell- it doesn’t matter whether you are CFBC or wanting children. Society needs to shift from this thinking as a whole, especially given how painful those questions can be for those struggling with infertility.
But as far as CFBC and getting these questions and the doubt that comes after answering honestly (no kids for us etc) well I think part of the problem is that people really don’t understand the term. I mean even in this thread people have mangled the meaning of childfree by choice. It adds to the problem of CFBC being a legitimate choice for anyone, but women especially since they get the most questions.
So when people ask I tell them straight. That we are CFBC which means we have made the decision not to have children by any means. If people are arses about it (as they can be) then I will just make a smart arse comment back like “when are you going to stop having kids”.
Post # 25
When people ask me if my SO and I are going to have kids, I just say, “no, I don’t want to be a parent,” or something along those lines. People are usually cool about it. I also am weird and unconventional, so people who know me aren’t surprised by my choice. Oddly enough, my SO gets crap from other men for not wanting kids.
Post # 26
I live in the deep south so, yeah, not as accepted here lol. Most people around here tend to have children younger and within a few years of marriage. I actually ran into two different ladies recently whose married children have decided to not have kids. They both ranted to me about how upset they were that they wouldn’t be having any(more) grandchildren, and that they know my mom can’t wait to be a grandmother *groan*. I said she was already to 4 furry children. I was surprised, though, to hear of multiple people living here to be CFBC. I honestly don’t know anyone else who is unless they are infertile. It’s viewed as weird down here and it’s pretty frustrating.
Yeah, I really don’t get why it’s an acceptable question to ask anyone. I’ve heard some people ask, “are you trying?” Like how is that appropriate? “So are you two banging it out often unprotected in order to conceive a child?”. Rude! I get that CFBC means no kids at all because that’s just what you want. I’m not sure if we are going to be CFBC or not yet, leaning towards adopting but I still wanted to hear experiences from those who are CFBC.
Post # 27
Because DH and I are a bit older (42 and 38 respectively), people passed a few comments when we recently got married, but for the most part, the pressure isn’t that intense. A friend asked me a few months ago if I planned on having kids. My answer was I wasn’t sure. She then asked, “So, if it happens, it happens.” I said yes, and that is the response I give. Granted it isn’t anyone’s business but for some reason with the subject of children, IT always becomes everyone’s business lol.
I’m a very non-confrontational kind of person and I don’t like to come out and directly say I don’t want kids. I’ve learned throughout the years saying I’m not sure or we’ll see tends to fend off most potential arguments with others. My life, my choice. That being said I’m sure if DH and I were 10 -15 years younger, we’d be getting a lot more slack from others.
Post # 28
I’m a teacher, and I think a big contributor of the fact that I don’t want kids is BECAUSE I teach lol. I honestly don’t know how teachers have the energy to pour into their own children after using so much on other’s children 7 hours a day.
But regarding letting other people know, I do. There is no shame in my game, and frankly IJDGAF about the opinions of others when it comes to my reproductive rights.
Post # 29
“Thanks for sharing that information, it’ll probably come in handy if we decide we want to have children”. – I’ve used that a few times.
When people ask “when are you having kids?” I’ll say “Ask me again in a few years”. We are pretty set on not having any, but may change our minds, who knows?
Post # 30
I’m a teacher too and I totally get it. I love my students and I do want 1-2 of my own (but I’ll probably leave the classroom or at least drop down to a part-time or assistant position when it happens), but I can understand how someone who teaches wouldn’t want their own. I can also see how, from the outside and when they don’t work with kids, people can be confused, though.