(Closed) CFBC-Do you let people know you aren't having children?

posted 4 years ago in No Kids
Post # 31
5521 posts
Bee Keeper

bee123456789 :  I’m open about it 99.9% of the time as I think that treating it as some kind of taboo is like saying it’s ‘wrong’, and that being open about it is more likely to lead to acceptance eventually. 

The only times I have side stepped it or moved on were when I was working as a cashier, and getting into a discussion with a customer who’s a devout Cathy and thinks everyone must have children about my choice not to is not worth it. 

But otherwise, if someone makes a comment like ‘when you’ re pregnant’ or ‘when you have children’ I’m pretty quick to say ‘actually, we don’t want children’. The majority of people are actually very accepting and embarrassed at their assumption, which I think is a good thing.

Post # 32
503 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
bee123456789 :  Actually, since I was young to now, I’ve always felt like having kids would be embarrassing. I don’t know how to explain it and I don’t mean to offend anyone who does have kids. But the idea of me being a mother and walking around with a stroller or even holding hands with an older child just seemed so embarrassing for me personally. I wonder if other CFBC women feel the same way.

So when someone mentions something about me having kids, I automatically say, “Oh, my husband and I aren’t planning on having any.” It’s like an automatic reaction.

Also, I’m in an interracial marriage and live in my husband’s country, where there aren’t many foreigners and even fewer interracial marriages. Interracial children are bullied a lot here, so my husband’s friends all asked when we got engaged, “What about your kids?” I know they meant well and were concerned, but I couldn’t help feel a bit offended.

We don’t want children, but it hurts when you realize that in other people’s views your genes are the ones that would “contaminate” the baby.

Post # 33
55 posts
Worker bee

I’m a fence sitter, but recently married and do NOT see children on the immediate horizon (like not even willing to start thinking about WHEN, etc.). Right now I enjoy my freedom and do not want the responsibilities of children nor the sacrifices that go along with them. Maybe that will change, maybe it won’t, I don’t know. The LAST thing I want is someone’s opinion on the matter period. I don’t want to hear about how rewarding it will be or any of the other lines that people like to say. I also don’t want to hear anyone else’s opinions on the timing of it (we have loads of time before the bio clock runs out, so it’s not even an issue, everyone else’s thoughts on how old your child will be when you are X age are just not relevant to me and certainly aren’t motivating factors for having a kid before I am ready or ever for that matter). 

So basically I try to avoid talking about it, point-blank (nothing at all – no telling people that I am on the fence, no telling people that I don’t want to hold their baby, or how I am concerned about children might change my life and my marriage, etc). I know my inlaws are trying to figure me out because they can see that I obviously don’t run up to hold our nephew or things like that, but that’s just me. I don’t like other people’s kids and if we ever do decide to have kids I will obviously take exception to my own. I don’t want to make the mistake of saying the wrong thing and have an opinion thrown in my face (ie. “don’t wait too long because I want grand kids or you will be this old when they finally move out or you are denying yourself this gift”). I simply do not want to have that conversation with other people. So if I friend or relative asks, my go-to is some variant of, “We aren’t talking about that with anyone right now.” It’s a bit harder when you are talking to a stranger or acquaintance and they catch you off guard with some of those ice breaker questions, so I might be a little less stern and just say, “no we don’t have kids,” and if they ask if we want kids, “not right away…” — it’s vague enough that if they are pro-kids, it’s not an absolute no and since we are talking to strangers/acquaintances, you probably won’t get bugged about it again. 

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