CFBC friends changed their mind, now pregnant

posted 6 months ago in No Kids
Post # 2
Member
3929 posts
Honey bee

What people say (we don’t want kids) and how they really feel (we’re pregnant, yay!)are often two different things. Ask Shakespeare and the lady who doeth protest too much. Personally I’m impressed by people who are CFBC, that they know themselves well enough to realize parenthood is not for them. I’d stab myself in the eye with a fork before I’d question someone who was cfbc and bug them about having kids. So I’m sorry your family is like this. The good thing is that as you get older what other people say and do bothers you less and less.

Post # 3
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

I don’t really have advice but I “enjoyed” your vent and just wanted to say I sorta get what you mean and why it’s thrown you a bit! I was on the other side of a vaguely comparable situation a while back: I used to be really outspoken about how much I did not want to get married. I had two friends who felt similarly and we often talked about it and enjoyed that our friendship did not include any talk of marriage/weddings/etc. we all dated other people etc but never with the view of eventually getting married. Then, very unexpectedly, I met someone to whom marriage was very important and through the course of the relationship I found that I was willing (and indeed very excited) to get married to my SO. Both of these friends I mentioned questioned my decision and did not get it at all. The one was very vocal about his disapproval of my “sudden” turnaround. The other friend found it hard but was a bit more supportive. It definitely changed the friendship dynamic. I’m still fairly good friends with both (and they are both still unmarried by choice) but I sometimes still get the feeling that they feel I “betrayed” a fundamental part of myself (and the friendship) by getting married. If I’m honest, I’m so so happy to have married my SO but also would have been fine if we never married. The point is that people can change their minds but still have some of those feelings they had before – so your friends might not become as “child obsessed” as some other parents whose whole life goal had been to become a parent etc. Anyway, now that I’ve typed it out I’m wondering if it’s at all relevant to your situation but I’m going to post it anyway just in case it makes sense 🙂 At the very least to give you a digital hug to say it’s hard when friendship dynamics change, and ESPECIALLY when it will cause some of your friends/family to also question your decisions. Hope you guys work through it. 

Post # 4
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

jellybellynelly :  It could be that they were more childfree by circumstance rather than childfree by choice.  It sounds like the same thing but the childfree by circumstance reasons are based on external factors that could change whereas the childfree by choice just don’t want them. I’m always wary when someone lists their job, or lack of money, for not wanting kids.  They’re both valid reasons but they’re usually temporary reasons.  Although not always.  Your friends could have been talking about how they never wanted kids but really were thinking,  not while we’re in this house/job/ect.  

Post # 5
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

It’s so frustrating, because people are human and do change their minds. I’ve had CFBC friends decide to go for it and have kids, and I’ve had friends go the opposite way and decide that even though they’d always thought they wanted them, nope, no kids for them. Of course, the former group is the one we hear about more often and it gets thrown in the faces of other CFBC folks, so I’m sorry you’re experiencing it.

Not much to add, but I’m on the other side, so I totally get it. My best friend and I used to daydream about being moms together one day. We’re both pretty hippie dippie, and though neither of us was in a rush, I liked the thought of us having that in common one day. She’s changed her mind about kids, and definitely doesn’t want them. I’m glad that she’s realized the right path for her, but selfishly I’m a little sad that at some point, I’ll be going it alone. Being on the other side of the coin is probably just as challenging for you, since you have the double whammy of “losing” a CFBC companion and you also get the cherry on top of “well, you’ll change your mind too.” Just know that you aren’t being irrational, it’s okay to be a little sad/bummed/frustrated. 

Post # 6
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

I don’t think your feelings are irrational, I think they’re totally valid. Dealing with family pressure to have kids is really hard, and there’s only so many times you can say “No, we’re never having kids!” without totally losing your lid about it. And I totally get that more pressure is on you – the number of times that I have been cornered alone at his family events about having kids is ridiculous, and my fiance and I aren’t even married yet!

You’re basically losing your backup, and not only that, but your backup is going to be used as an example of why you “should” have kids. That’s incredibly frustrating. It’s also pretty frustrating for someone to go on and on about how terrible something is for so long, then turn around and end up doing it themselves. I know it’s not anyone’s place to judge people’s reproductive decisions, but it is a little hard not to side eye that sort of wild 180, at least at first.

Hopefully your families have realized your minds are made up and this doesn’t change that. But if not, good luck. Wishing you unending patience to deal with that bullshit.

Post # 8
Hostess
1532 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Your judging them is just as bad as the family pressuring you to have kids. Like it’s their life, sure you’re friends but they can do what they want and they should be able to do so free of someone else’s judgement? 

I’m sorry I just don’t get how it’s your place to vent and be angry about someone else changing their minds? 

Post # 10
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

jellybellynelly :  LOL! Honestly, this sounds like a sitcom I’d like to watch!!! But yeah, does sound like a big and unexpected turnaround for them. I guess you’ll never know 100% what motivated it?  I hope people leave you in peace about your decision! Oh and let your grumpiness be soothed by the fact that at least YOU won’t have to figure out how to fit a car seat and a stroller in a sports car and how to get crayon off of italian tiles or whatever. That’s gotta count for something! 

Post # 11
Member
2404 posts
Buzzing bee

I’ve been there and I know what you’re going through.

It’s also hard because often people claim the CFBC identity when they may actually mean “CF for the present” or “CF for a few years then maybe kids”.   Unfortunately, for non-CF people, seeing self-identified CF people suddenly change their minds… well, it does wind up causing more pressure on those of us who are still CFBC.  

And honestly… I know this will likely not be a popular thing to say.. but I imagine you’re also mourning the likely loss or downgrading of a friendship. I’ve had a few friends who, after years of being CF, suddenly had a baby and the friendship did change dramatically.  I’ve been friends with this couple (I’ll call them Michelle and Kurt) for 15 years.  They were CF for about 12 years, we bonded over our love of things like random last minute trips… deciding on Wed or Thurs to go to NYC for the weekend to eat at a trendy restaurant and see a show…  Deciding spur of the moment we should all go to Amsterdam the next week, just because.  Then they decided they wanted kids.  Went through a few years of fertility treatments to have them.  Their lives were 100% fertility treatments and now are 100% attachment parenting.  I don’t want to judge them for doing what they have decided is right for them and for their newly expanded family.. but damn, I miss my friends-of-old.  And while I’m mourning the fact that those days are long over, I am also dealing with other people telling me that clearly, I’m next… and just because Michelle/Kurt decided after several years of being CF to have kids.. I clearly must follow in their footsteps. 

Post # 12
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ladyvk :  I disagree that it’s just as bad as her parents pressuring her to have kids. It’s nowhere near on the same level. She’s doing this anonymously on an internet forum, not to her friends’ faces (presumably).

Also we’re only human here. If we can’t occasionally vent privately about something our friends or family did that (however irrationally) upset us, what are we even doing?? 

Post # 13
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m not CFBC, but I can totally understand how it would be frustrating to feel like you lost an “ally”, so to speak. I can’t imagine what I’d think if my staunchly CFBC friends announced they were expecting. 

Post # 14
Member
3408 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I totally get it. Go forth and vent. It’s frustrating when you’re essentially in it together, and now you are probably feeling a bit deceived and let down. I really hope this doesn’t lead to your family bugging you again. If it helps, my in laws haven’t bothered me since I told them “I don’t get why people think my uterus and what I do with it is anyone’s business but ours.” 

My parents changed their minds. They were CFBC for 10 years, then they decided to have me. My mom said she woke up one day and decided she wanted to have the experience of being a mother since she’s only got one life to live. Even though she never thought being a mom was for her (and honestly, I don’t think being a mom was/is for her – she probably would have been happier without a kid).

I hope you reach a place where you can be genuinely happy for them. I’m sure you will soon. But you’re totally allowed to vent. And make sure to tease them about needing to trade in the sports car. You should buy them a “I’m the reason we own a minivan” baby onesie. Haha

Post # 15
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

ladyvk :  That’s a little harsh. Friends are a big part of life, and when you have this huge thing in common, and suddenly you don’t and probably won’t see much of them for awhile (adjusting to kids is HUGE), it’s okay to be a little sad. I’d always pictured my best friend and I bringing our kids to vegetarian restaurants and hippie dippie mom groups and having our kids be best friends too. Now, when I do have a kid, our lives will be pretty radically different for awhile. It’s possible to be happy that people are doing what they think is best while also mourning the fact that a close friendship has profoundly changed.

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