CFBC friends changed their mind, now pregnant

posted 3 months ago in No Kids
Post # 16
Member
1350 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

tiffanybruiser :  but how do you get off being angry about someone else’s life choices and justify it? The family is probably upset their not having kids aka a life choice and now OP is upset about her friend having a baby aka a life choice.

And: anonymously on a PUBLIC Internet forum that anyone can see and is google indexed if I recall correctly (I also see names above which probably should be edited out if OP wants to remain anon)

Post # 17
Member
1350 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

dianaj17 :  being one of those people who suddenly decided to have kids (I’m 32 weeks right now) believe me, I get it. But nothing hurts more than a close friend saying they can’t see you as a parent whether it’s said to your face or not. 

Its harder to adjust especially when you’re somewhat aware people are judging your choices even if they don’t say it to your face and use an Internet forum to validate themselves instead of having a conversation to talk it out like normal people 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Post # 18
Member
7780 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ladyvk :  She’s not really justifying it? She’s said she’s aware her feelings are irrational – but she’s still struggling. I dunno, I have a kid so i’m obviously not CFBC, but I can relate to the feeling of loss that comes when your friends or a close family member suddenly moves onto a new phase of life that you feel excluded from. I think that’s really human. As long as she’s not putting any pressure or negativity onto her actual friends, what’s the harm in venting about it on a random internet forum?

I assume “dan and jessie” are pseudonyms but who knows…

Post # 21
Member
7110 posts
Busy Beekeeper

jellybellynelly :  I get that it’s frustrating because people will take your CFBC position less seriously, but they’re allowed to change their minds. Also I will say for people that struggle to get pregnant sometimes it’s easier to just say “oh we’re not sure we want kids, maybe someday” because they don’t want to tell people how long and hard they’ve been trying and deal with the pity and unhelpful suggestions – it’s a self-preservation thing for people who struggle with fertility. 

Hopefully after the inital shock of having a kid everything will go back to normal. I have plenty of friends that don’t have kids and get a babysitter when I want to hang out with them. NBD. 

 

Post # 23
Member
11469 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

You’re entitled to have mixed feelings, similar to if you heard they were going to move for a great job opportunity. Happy for them, if this is something great for them and sad for you that their lives and yours by association will inevitably change. The friendship does not have to suffer, it may just have to adapt. The truth is you have no idea why they changed their minds or what may have been going on in their lives. 

Personally, I would not tell them you are anything less than pleased for them. I think that could backfire. 

Post # 24
Member
1862 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

jellybellynelly :  it is irrational because at some logical level you know you don’t get to be angry with their choice. The same way nobody gets to be angry or have an opinion about your choice. They can have kids, or not, just as you’re feee to not have kids, or have them.

But you’ve lost an ally. Someone who understood the pressures you faced. Someone you could bitch and moan to, without needing to explain the backstory first. Someone who would be able to play ‘top trumps’ of inappropriate comments with you. You’re going to get comments of “you’ll change your mind” and it’s going to suck. So it’s understandable that you’re side-eyeing them a bit.

BUT they are allowed to change their mind. It sucks because people will struggle to drop the “you’ll change your mind” with people changing their mind but they can still do it. From your description of their lifestyle it sounds like they would definitely edge to cfbc but something changed their mind. As you’re cfbc they might not feel comfortable telling you what it was that caused the change of heart.

Have a sulk for a little while, then be happy for them. They’re still your friends and they were cfbc for a few years and can still emphasise with you when you need that support. It also sounds like they’ll be the type of parents who aren’t completely obsessed by their kid, so that’ll help maintain your friendship.

Post # 25
Member
4763 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

jellybellynelly :  you only found out last night, I think it will take some time to settle in, just give yourself that time

I think your emotions and fears are understandable

Post # 26
Member
753 posts
Busy bee

Omg baby beggers 😂 I’m going to call my mom that the next time she gets on my ass about it (we do want kids but NOT YET, dammit) losing two fellow CFBCers would be a bummer. You’re allowed to feel however you want about it! Those are your feelings and you’re entitled to that.

But, I think you need to be firm with your family that your CFBC and it’s not up for discussion. Them being constant baby’s beggers would be more annoying to me than friends changing their mind on becoming parents. 

Post # 27
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

ladyvk :  That’s not really why OP is upset though. She’s upset because her friend’s life choice is going to be used against her and her husband, and the friend dynamic is going to change – right, wrong, or indifferent the dynamic will change no matter what OP or her friends do or say. That does not mean OP doesn’t support her friends choice, or she is upset at the life choice. But it comes as a (sounds like very recent) shock. 

And honestly it doesn’t matter what that choice is, if someone spends years touting how terrible something is and how they never ever want anything to do with it, then suddenly does a total 180 – it’s pretty natural to be surprised and go “whoa wait where the hell did that come from? that seems out of character.” That doesn’t mean OP thinks they’ll make terrible parents, it’s just very surprising given their lifestyle and their long history of negative opinions of kids and being parents.

ETA: If you spend years touting a very strong opinion about something and then suddenly 180 on it, it doesn’t matter what it is or what your reasons are – you have to expect that some people are going to be caught off guard by it and have opinions on it. That’s just par for the course.

Post # 28
Member
2109 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

jellybellynelly :  Sorry bee! That truly is a hard thing to come to terms with as a friend. It really does mean your relationship will change with them. No matter how much people claim they will still be the same… it’s just not the case. *hugs*

Post # 30
Member
4763 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

jellybellynelly :  this is something that I never understood. You mentioned earlier about your “selfish” decision to be cfbc but to me, one of the most selfLESS decisions you can make is to decide that parenting is not for you. I never understood the viewpoint of it being selfish. I can’t imagine the amount of frustration you feel at the pressure people are putting you under

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