CFBC friends changed their mind, now pregnant

posted 3 months ago in No Kids
Post # 46
Hostess
9548 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

EllyAnne :  I totally agree. I hate being asked when we’re going to have kids!! I hated it when when were CFBC and I felt like I needed a laundry list of excuses (as if anyone even needs to justify it) and now I hate it because we haven’t told anyone we are trying on the down low, as we expect it to take quite some time. I imagine that as time trying progresses without success I’ll feel even more venomous about the question!! I went to a baby shower last month, and when I was asked, before I could open my mouth my own mother responded, “she’s just too career oriented,” which kind of flabbergasted me and made me shut down. 

Post # 47
Member
1438 posts
Bumble bee

After experiencing my miscarriage, I learned how just how painful being asked when we were going to have kids was. Nobody except Darling Husband and the ER team knew what happened to us, so I can’t be mad at family for asking, but it really hurt me every time. Even trying to say “one day” in response would make me break down. Therefore, I never ever ask why or whether people want or don’t want kids. You just never know what path people are walking on in life.

Post # 48
Member
1978 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

DrAtkins :  That’s so harsh from your own mother, I’m sorry. We’ve been TTC for a lonnnng time but only one trusted friend knows. We’ve been told we “enjoy holidays too much and that’s not what life is about” and even that we are too wrapped up in one another to be parents. Luckily these comments were from people we can avoid quite easily.

Post # 49
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

People change their minds. It happens. But it doesn’t mean it’ll happen with you and hopefully others respect that. 

I’d just try to be happy for your friends and shut down any comments about your own plans if and when they come up. It’s no one else’s business whether you want to have kids or not and it’s absurd to ask about it. Treat it as such. 

I do understand the bit of sadness that comes along with realizing you’re losing another childfree couple to the darkside haha but at the end of the day your friends are still your friends and you’ll figure out a new way of relating with one another. 

Several of our friends have kids now and it does change things but honestly it hasn’t been a huge issue for us. Most of our friends kids are cool enough and we don’t mind them bringing them along when we host parties and stuff. And they still enjoy nights out with just grown ups sometimes too. 

Post # 50
Member
1682 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I think your feelings are reasonable.  I was the first person of my friends/siblings to have a kid.  I get SO excited when somebody gets pregnant, because yay, more parents to stupid kid stuff with.  It makes perfect sense that this would work the other way too.  Everybody wants friends who like to/ are able to do the stuff they like.  I hope your friends are able to make time for non-kid stuff, and that you eventually make more CFBC friends.  

Also, I think pressuring anybody to have kids is a dick move, whether the people want kids or not.  Your family members need to chill, and you should not feel bad for telling them so.

Post # 51
Member
1182 posts
Bumble bee

Sounds pretty immature to me. Your friends are allowed to make their own decisions, as are you. If you choose to be CFBC then proudly own it. Also you’re not the only person in the world who has pressure put on them by society for things. xo

Post # 52
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

If you’re main focus isn’t your friend being as happy with their life as they can be no matter what that looks like then you’re not being a very good friend. Get over yourself. If you’re confident in your decision then it shouldn’t matter what everyone else is doing. Be happy for them. They could probably use some support in this new adventure!

Post # 53
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

saratiara2 :  “Just like you don’t need to justify why you don’t want kids, they don’t have to justify why they do”

I agree totally.

 

 

 

Post # 54
Member
832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Oh come off it with the, your friends don’t need to justify why they want kids, and, you should just be happy for your them.  Op isn’t asking them to and she is.  It’s possible to be happy for someone but still sad for yourself at the exact same time.  Whenever one of my friends tells me that they’re moving far away I’m happy for them and sad for me.   It’s natural to feel sone type of sadness or doubt when a big change comes along.  It doesn’t mean op is a bad friend or not supportive for feeling very natural feelings that most people have. OP, I have a few friends that are cfbc who I would feel totally bummed if they changed their mind.  That would be my first reaction too, oh nooooooo, not, huzzah! (Completely in my head of course)  

Post # 55
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee

jellybellynelly :  Have you or your husband been sterilized? My husband and I are CFBC and have both been fixed (he got snipped about a month before we met, and I already had my tube removal scheduled and still got it done even though we had started dating by then). Having that taken care of has cut wayyy down on “bingos” from friends/family and acquaintance. I think the non-CFBC people here don’t realize how often people changing their minds about having kids gets thrown in our faces. Everyone knows someone who swore they didn’t want kids but changed their minds (or had an accidental pregnancy they chose to continue). I definitely understand being a little stressed, knowing that your friends changing their minds is going to get used against you. Hopefully your families won’t be too obnoxious about it. 🙂

Post # 56
Member
10202 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

jellybellynelly :  

Honestly, Bee, brace yourself.  Your relationship with your friends is going to undergo a major shift, whether you’re happy for them or not. Their entire lives are in the process of being upended, nothing will ever be the same for them again.

And this is entirely, absolutely normal.  It’s healthy.  It represents growth. That is not the same as saying it makes everyone fell all warm and fuzzy inside. Relationships are supposed to change and not become stagnant. Certainly, the parameters of this one will be permanently altered. They will have far less time or energy for socializing and they will have a new appendage making incessant demands on every level.

It will never be the same, Bee. It’s ok to have feelings about that. It’s perfectly natural to feel angry and sad. They promised that things would not change like this.  They let you down.

Maybe the friendship is strong enough to endure.  Maybe not. You won’t have as much in common anymore. New parents are obsessed with their babies. They don’t generally want to talk about much else, if they have their druthers. None of that is likely to be especially appealing to you.

I always cringe when someone tells me about an adult who still hangs out with the same friend group from high school. That reflects a lack of intellectual, emotional, and spiritual growth. Of course, keeping some treasured long term friendships is a beautiful part of life, but that does not preclude making new ones.

As for you, darling Bee. How is it that the Baby Beggars wield so much power over you? You are handing them the ability to upset you over your choice to be CFBC. Typically, that’s a red flag for lacking 100% trust in ourselves and our decisions. When you feel absolutely solid and sure of yourself, it’s easy to laugh off and ignore the naysayers.  Maybe it’s time for a bit of soul searching.

Your feelings are not ‘irrational’.  Feelings are never irrational. They just are.

Post # 57
Member
1978 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

sassy411 :  I’m kind of surprised at part of your response here. Do you not see that saying that OP lacks trust in her decision is part of the issue that CFBC people face? I didn’t pick up anywhere that OP wishes that she was having a baby. 

Post # 58
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

sassy411 :  her friends did not let her down. They don’t owe her anything in terms of what they choose to do with their lives.

as for the questions about having kids, perhaps they would go away if we stopped being polite. “Absolutely none of your business. Why would you ask such a rude question.” That’s the right answer.

Post # 59
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

jellybellynelly :  I’m not CFBC but tonnes of my family and family friends are.

Firstly, your feelings are absolutely justified.  I want kids in a couple of years but I am still sad when a friend of mine becomes pregnant right now because I know it will change our relationship. It’s just natural that people with kids gravitate more to their friends with kids, they have more in common.  It’s the same with many large life decisions.  You are allowed to mourn the dynamic change, though I would suggest keeping it private so it is not misconstrued by the couple as a lack of support.

The one thing i disagree with is that your family’s response is their problem.  A lot of CFBC do change their mind and have children, which is absolutely their right.  What is out if line is your family thinking they have a right to assume you’ll change your mind when you insist you currently have no plans to.  You need to shut this down.  Next time it happens, I would call it out assertively.  Say “mum – I have told you many times children are not for us and I am done with defending and justifying my position.  This is the end this discussion, if you raise it again I will leave” then if they do bring it up again or try to protest, leave.  You dont have to listen to them belittle your decision.

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