(Closed) CFBC: Helpful Resources for Fence Sitters

posted 6 years ago in No Kids
Post # 16
Member
1270 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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MissesAwesome:  Really interesting articles. Thank you. I’m definitely a fence sitter. I’ve never been interested in babies and never played with dolls – but animals. I do absolutely adore my pets and call myself their mummy and Fiance gets me mother’s day cards from them.

I think I’m also terrified of pregnancy and labour, which doesn’t help. I’m also the breadwinner and really enjoy my work so can’t see how I could take time off. That said, I love helping people and could see myself with an older child so I have been considering whether it’s just the pregnancy and baby thing that puts me off and whether I might be better suited to adoption – but fully aware of the unique challenges that would bring. I’m close friends with people who foster so fully appreciate it’s not an easy option – just perhaps more suited to my skills than raising a baby.

In the meantime, kids – how and if they were ever to arrive – are not on the immediate horizon as we don’t yet own our own place and the UK private rental market is highly unstable and ridiculously expensive – so feel we need to build our foundations as a married couple before addressing the fence! Proud of myself that I’ve finished saving for our wedding and the deposit is next. ๐Ÿ˜€

Post # 17
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’ve never been a fence sitter (I have not ONCE in my life wanted a child) but I think it’s great that this kind of guidance exists! I know a lot of people who aren’t sure and are struggling since people in my life are all having babies left and right, I’ll be sure to share this!

Post # 18
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

 

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MissesAwesome:  Thank you for posting these, it is always nice to hear some background or figure out more why I feel the way I do. A lot of the things said are definitely things I have thought of myself. We are both way too on the fence but also at the same time love each other and think mixing our genes would be a great outcome! I’m hoping soon we can come to an answer as I’m going to be 35, but I think we may just end up with fur babies4life! Which I’m starting to think, is just fine!

Post # 19
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Thank you for these articles. Fiance and I are fence sitters, but pretty extreme on both sides – I have all this baby stuff hoarded away for ‘maybe oneday’ but on the other hand, we see friends having babies and often feel ‘thank god that’s not us’. I don’t know. It’s also hard because I am a writer, and I know how many women writers have struggled throughout history with trying to maintain their creativity in the face of daily drudgery. So, we don’t know. There is tremendous pressure from his family to have kids, and tremendous pressure from my family to stick to the program of building a successful writing career. I know there are lots of people who have successfully written and had families, but I also deal with chronic illness, so I don’t know if I could handle the energy demands. But then I see people around me who are doing such a laughable job of parenting, and I get all competitive and wish I had a kid of my own so I could do the best job of being a mother to them. All weird and not very constructive feelings! I am glad there is finally a thread on here for fence-sitters though… I was worried I was going to get ripped apart for daring to be on the fence on some of the other threads. 

Post # 20
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

This is great, exactly the kind of thing this board needs. I am past the fence sitting stage but the struggle for some is real. It’s nice to see helpful resources, although I have nothing current to add myself. I’m currently staying at my sisters house with her 3 children while she is in hospital having her 4th! Hoping to hear some good news in the next few hours and in the meantime desperately Google searching for somewhere local to take them to burn off some energy! I jokingly label myself NAMBC (Not A Mother By Choice) because with all the children in my family calling myself Child Free seems like a lie sometimes lol! 

Post # 21
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey

I used to be adamantly against having children  but now I find myself sitting on the fence. My SO says he is also a fence sitter, but some of the comments he has made makes me think that he doesn’t want kids for now, but in the very distant future he will most likely want them. I have little-no interest in babies or parenting, doing the school runs, homework, lack of money, lack of travel and freedom, the list goes on. I don’t want to lose my identity and independence in becoming a mother. And I am concerned how children would affect my relationship with my SO. On the other hand, I struggle to imagine a future whereby my SO and I are in our 70s and it’s just us. I would enjoy being a teacher and role model in someone’s life, and I imagine the process of nurturing a small human being into a kind, contributing member of society is immensely rewarding. I’ve always had fewer qualms about adoption, as I feel like doing so is fulfilling a social responsibility. So maybe it’s caring for little babies that puts me off. Either way, I’m thankful for these resources and will read them in my own time.

Post # 22
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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peoniesbaby:  The idea of being old with Fiance and having no grown up children worries me too. My siblings all plan to have children and will undoubtedly be busy with their own children and/or grandchildren at that age. The idea of not being part of some kind of a family structure that consists of more than two people concerns me, especially when I could lose Fiance at any time and be totally on my own.

I had a meltdown a couple of months ago when FI’s uncle died suddenly in his 60s. We didn’t particularly know or like him (we love his wife, FI’s aunt, though), but I started crying, like ugly sobbing, and it took me forever to work out why – I eventually realized how close death is at any age, for anybody, and that his wife had just lost her husband, forever, but at least she could look at their children together and see little parts of him living on through them. I bawled my eyes out and told Fiance that I was terrified that he would die and there would be nothing left of him. 

However… the drudgery. The bodily fluids. The lack of sleep. The cost of childcare. The cost of everything. Not being able to do what we want to do, when we want to do it. Having to do battle with my Future Mother-In-Law on every single child-related issue. Being forced to make small talk forever with braindead women who cannot converse on anything beyond their special snowflakes. Constantly having to weigh up my selfish impulses with somebody else’s needs. The squaking, screeching and whining. The sheer mental space required and all the other things that could be a better expenditure of my intellect. The terror that we could screw it all up and repeat all of our parents’ mistakes. The potential of having a severely disabled child to look after until I die. Taking attention away from Fiance and my dogs. The frightening prospect of going off my psychiatric medications for a pregnancy.The inherent gender inequality of having to be the one to give birth and breastfeed. Having to deal with the potential that despite all my good intentions and best efforts, I could still end up mother of a serial killer. 

… I don’t know. I have time to figure this out (I’m 28), but I swing so wildly between extremes that I don’t think I could choose one way or the other without regretting it bitterly sometimes.

Post # 23
Member
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2008 - Toronto, ON

My husband and I were on the fence for years. We met in December 2004, married in 2008 and didn’t even think about ttc until 2014. There were a lot of reasons why we weren’t sure. We were both set in our careers, and selfishly we loved being independent and doing our own thing. We loved sleeping in on the weekends and also spending and saving our money as we wanted. Fast forward to the year 2014. His father passed away awhile back and my mother had just died. We started realizing the importance of life and carrying on a legancy. Honestly before my mom passed I was on the fence about having kids. I didn’t want to gain weight, go through child birth, have the responsibility of taking care of anyone besides myself or dh. After our parents deaths it made us realize how important it was for us to start a family, we just needed a push. I wish we would have realized this sooner but we are so grateful for our son. Now we have a beautiful son who has enriched our lives and I couldn’t picture life any differently. It is just ashame dh’s dad and my mom will never get to meet him. We are so happy with our decision we are thinking about adding onto our family in the near future.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by MRS-K.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by MRS-K.
Post # 24
Member
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2008 - Toronto, ON

Also I just wanted to add I had my son at 35 and dh was 44 even though he looks very good for his age, full head of hair and not even a strand of gray hair in sight. It is mind over matter. I find having a child together has made us more vibrant. Youthful, more reason to strive. Those that are on the fence because they are in their mid 30’s you are not too old. My dr said it is perfectly fine to get pregnan again for my second around 37, 38!

Post # 25
Hostess
7103 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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MissesAwesome: Thanks so much for sharing these resources. I’m about to take a look now. 

Post # 26
Hostess
1440 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I am definitely NOT on the fence about never wanting to be pregnant. Every time a friend or family member has a new baby, I learn about a new awful/gross/undignified thing that happens during pregnancy or the birthing process and I can’t imagine doing that to my body. 

However, I love kids and do sometimes feel a strong urge to be a mama. We are sitting on the fence between CFBC and adopting a kiddo. I am more into the idea of adopting than DH, although he would rather adopt an older child than have a baby.  He leans more to the side of “probably not” and I lean more towards “probably.” 

Since we aren’t sure, we’ve decided that we won’t decide right now. We are both doing our own research and reading about adoption and parenting. We have a regular conversation about this, which I love. Whether we decide to bring a child into our family or not, I feel like we are a stronger couple just through the process of deciding. 

Thanks for this board, OP.

Post # 27
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: South Lodge. 2nd of Dec 2017

Here’s my advice that I give to all my friends who say I’m not sure, don’t do it then, I do have a daughter, because I had a burning desire to have a child.  if you don’t have that don’t do it, when my girl was getting me up 20mtimes in the night I kept thinking I waited three years for you, my marriage broke down because we forgot each other, not her fault obviously, ours lots of other reasons but this played a big factor.  When I was struggling to pay a mortgage child care fees and new shoes arrrrggg, I wanted this, I choose to have her, having a child is the most wonderful experience of your life prvoiding you want it, if your not sure, it would be my idea of hell.  Forget society or family and friends, live your lives how you want to.  

Post # 28
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

We’re slightly on the fence. I’ve never really wanted kids. I say that but really it never occurred to me either way – I never thought about kids until I realised I was actually the age most people start having them. I realised then I didn’t want them, mainly for the same reason as missmunch said. I’m too young in my own head to deal with kids, I don’t feel like I have the mental power for someone to need me 24/7 for everything – I still think I’m 16 most of the time! I love playing with my nephews but I enjoy our CFBC time too much to want to change it, and there’s no turning back from kids! My brother put it into a perspective without realising it the other day. I told him he needs to go see this film at the cinema, minus nephew as it’s a 15, he said “there is no nephew!” FH wanted them, but says I’m enough for him, but we will keep talking about it as we get older – I’m 26 so still time to change our minds! 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by romeantic.

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